HoPe

happy chinese new year!

2012-01-27T17:52:00.002+08:00

yes, it's been long.

had my last posting, gynae here in seremban.

2 more weeks its eos 9. yes 2 more weeks! my very last written paper as medical undergraduate.

2 years, i had met many patients, many doctors, seen so many things. all these enriched my journey in this field. yet, there's still so much more to learn.

humility, something which is so important.

i shall work hard for this remaining 2 weeks. i want to end my medical school well and i will try my best to.

yes, go go go!

happy new year and happy chinese new year! may this year brings lots of blessings to us and may we be the blessings to the people around us.

it's the end and the beginning!

2011-12-31T10:31:00.002+08:00

last day of 2011. a year with ups and downs. much loss and much gain.

first week of gynae was not too bad. probably because most lecturers were on leave that we get to skip home early. ward is also not very crowded. not much cases.

something my prof said, which is very inspiring.

' you don't work for reward, you work for excellence and reward will automatically come to you'

learning makes me realise how much i do not know. it's always a life long journey. everyday, i learn to be a better person, a better doctor.

this shall be my motto for 2012.

may 2012 bring everyone lots of love and happiness.

christmas

2011-12-25T19:55:00.004+08:00

it's christmas! merry christmas!

had a well spent weekend with family. it was a much needed break, away from all the routines , for me to take a breath before the last lap.

i am really really grateful to have such supportive family, who is always there for me, without which i wouldn't achieved what i have today. being in a traditional chinese family, it's rather hard to express my love to them, but i do hope my actions say it all! thank you.

kept an email in my draft box. contemplating if i should sent it. forgiving is forgetting. there should be a full stop already. i have been dwelling over it for way too long. it's gonna be a new year after all. yes. i am gonna start it right. with the correct mindset.

i will put all my might and strength in the right place. that is to study hard so that i won't be one of those doctors who received multiple complaints. i must be a competent one.

gynaecology! i will so nail you down!

medicine as it is

2011-12-15T19:52:00.002+08:00

back to internal medicine posting. one of my favourite postings. wait, i enjoy most of postings, right. lol.

anyway, it's been a tough posting. so much to cover. so little time. less than 7 weeks to eos. stress is building up. i just feel like quitting. i know i can't.

been feeling really drained out. the journey seems never ending. and the journey gets lonelier as i progressed. it's really tiring to try my best in everything. sometimes, i wonder would it be better if i settle for something lesser? but then again, will i regret if i look back next time?

been thinking whether should i just stay here in malaysia for my housemanship? things would be simpler. no hassles. no headache. just follow the flow.

there's a thin line between trying too hard and try your best. i am tired. really.

那些年

2011-12-04T17:55:00.005+08:00

watched this show justnow. it just brought back so much memories.

i miss those days when love can be so pure. no lies, no cheating, no excuses. love is just love. 纯纯的爱，蠢蠢的我们.

tears were shed, laughters were shared, but those moments were precious. i really really miss those moments.

as years gone by, falling in love is no longer the same thing. in fact, falling in love and out of love hurts more than falling down and failing. and this just made me feel reserved for love, for loving someone again.

simplicity and sincerity. both are like panda, facing extinction.

can you believe it's december?

2011-12-01T17:34:00.003+08:00

NOOOOO! seriously, time flies. i know i kept repeating this.

i looked back at how i have spent this whole year. i remember i was typing obstetrics case report on the eve of new year last year. i believe i would be doing the same this year for gynaecology. and repeating the cycle of mugging like crazy during chinese new year. but i was glad, for the reward which i have gotten. but it's really putting a great burden on my heavy loaded shoulder.

then i started the new semester. the supposedly more relaxing semester. i fall in love and fall out of love. like a dream. but there's must be a reason something happened. maybe i just don't know yet.

then i went through the whole semester very miserably. and then its my elective period. taiwan and singapore. it was a good break. away from everything.

then back to semester 9. i can't believe i am in my final year of medical school. fast huh?

now, i felt the pressure whenever everybody asked what year i am in? and each time people say, means next year you will be a doctor already?

yes. i am going to be. i will be one. but i don't want to settle to just a doctor. i want to be a good one. and it takes extra step to be one. so i kept telling myself, i just have to grind my teeth and go through this.

i like the hectic life. at least it keeps me from thinking nonsense. somehow, i should be thankful that things ended this way.

anyway, i promise myself that i will make sure 2011 ends in a good way. jiayou everybody!

paeds

2011-11-22T19:43:00.004+08:00

exam in two days time!

if there's one lesson to learn from paediatrics posting, it is the care for patients in which the paediatricians have shown.

i can't helped but to admire the paediatrician. they really really really do care a lot about the patient, not just the disease alone, but the patient as a whole.

i have learnt that to be a good doctor, you just need to have the heart (心) for patients, treating them like how you would want to be treated or how you would want your family members to be treated.

it's not easy. but i will definitely set them as my role model.

and, another important thing, i want a paediatrician to be my husband la. for the same reason! lol.

11.11.11

2011-11-11T11:11:00.005+08:00

haha. that's 10 days after 1st of Nov. i have to change the date for this post. lol. can't possibly post this at that very minute coz i was in the hospital that time.

2 weeks into paeds. loving it. but i realised sem9 postings are just so short. 4 weeks. gone with no time. i don't how prepared i will be at the end of the posting, is that sufficient? some posting i wont be revisiting until i am working. which means i will be equipped with this knowledge and skill to treat real patient out there. scary huh. i think so too.

somehow i just can't escape falling sick in paeds posting. been coughing my lungs out. don't know is it the bugs in paeds ward or its the over-singing. being a medical person, i know i know, this is most likely be due to infective cause. but somehow i just want to relate it to singing k. lol. but shouting out my heart was therapeutic.

lessons learnt for this week. no matter how good you are, you can only be better if you are humble.humility is something which i need to learn. but there is a thin line between humility and lack of confidence.

got a surprised gift from my senior working alor setar hospital. thats the first time i got a ball pen as gift. with my name engraved on it somore :)) sometimes, its really the sincerity that counts. but sincerity is hard to come by in such world.

andd, one step at a time, i think i am healing :)

1.11.11

2011-11-01T17:02:00.002+08:00

its november already. and i am in my third posting now! 2 more to go and its THE exam.

paediatrics, one of my favourite posting. looking at the ill kids, i am thankful that i was a cute and healthy child. and i when look at parents of kids labelled with different syndrome, eg down syndrome, i wonder how they actually feel. i have always wanted to understand them, to feel what they are feeling and how they are coping. but it's hard to establish the close relationship. i admire them, for their love, their courage, and how they accepted god gift's in silence.

i don't know how i will react if i am in their place. having to take care a child is difficult, but having to take care of a sick child, who will be dependant on you forever is even harder. for one thing, he may not even be able to call you 'mama'.

there's so much thing to be thankful in life. i kept reminding myself this. but i don't know why i kept dwelling in the past. crying over the same thing again and again.

saw a meaningful quote the other day.

there's a professor who was telling his students about a joke. the first time he told that, everybody laughed. he repeated the joke next day. lesser students laughed. and by the time he repeated 10 times, nobody laughed. moral of the story is we don't laugh over the same joke over and over again. then why cry over the same thing over and over again!

after 2 cycles

2011-10-16T10:53:00.003+08:00

2 cycles means i am 24 now! a lot of things running through my mind.

spending more than 12 hours in the ward on my birthday is not a good sign. i love being in hospital, i love talking to patient, but i think there's much more in life than spending all my time in hospital. afterall, career is not the only thing which shape a person's life.

i wonder where i will be next year this time. i hate to come to a junction again.

stress is coming from everywhere, within and externally.

can somebody please tell me things will get better.

saw a note on someone's tshirt during my 10km run yesterday.
''it hurts up to a point and it doesn't get any worse''
i hope so.

unpredictability

2011-10-10T18:23:00.002+08:00

second week in surgery. i am starting to rekindle my love for surgery. there's much more to it than just cut cut and cut.

having to cover the ward everyday, reaching the ward before sunrise is just plain tiring. but going back to this posting the second time made me understood lots of things which i did not understand when i was in semester 6. i still remembered it was my very first posting when i entered clinical school. even to settle down to clinical school was already a tough one for me, more over to understand surgery. so the posting just passed in a blink. the truth is, looking at the current semester 6, i feel so matured, at least in my clinical skills. can't say i am good it in, but with some polish, i am sure we will all be competent.

the ward is just full of so many motor vehicle accident patients. having to cover two patients from the acute cubicle, i have countless patients who came in with large/small bleed in the brain. all young and healthy ones. but because of an accident, things changed. some made it through, some didn't.

unpredictability. thats life.

two of my patients passed away in my first week. both are relatively young patient. with not much comorbid conditions. from the first day i clerk them, to seeing them deteriorate, to reading the reports on their deaths, the feelings are something which i cannot describe with words.

again. unpredictability. that's life.

however, coming back to the ward in my beloved country after so long, after doing my elective in taiwan and singapore, i realised there's a need for change here. something needs to be changed. something is wrong. but i just can't spell it out. my friend once told me, initiate change by being part of the change. yes?

tests

2011-10-04T19:30:00.003+08:00

when you are bored, and too lazy to study, you do such stupid test to burn time. hoho.
can try this too when you are too free.lol...
to some extent, i think its a bit accurate.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

october is here

2011-10-01T20:30:00.002+08:00

hoho. october is here.

time seems to fly. really. everybody can fly with Airasia now. even time can. yea, i know i am lame. that's actually my defense mechanism when i am stressed.

got over anesthesiology and radiology. supposedly the slackest posting in semester9. but i don't feel its slack at all. with classes stretched till 7pm at least once a week made me feel so dried up. its not uncommon to spot me sleeping in class, which i don't normally do that regardless how tired i am.i collapsed on the bed almost everyday after coming back from uni. and i can't seem to stop eating! maybe i should get my thyroid level checked. haish.

anyway, my weight is catching up too. with the lack of exercise and binge eating. all these symptoms of stress. i need to learn some stress management. its just beginning of the marathon. still a long long way to go. i don't want to collapse halfway.

engine is warmed up. i just have to keep going and accelerate from now. to where? i don't know.

planning for my future path is a headache. to the red dot down under? or to the states? or just stay here? choices. you complain when you don't have choices, you complain again when you have too many of them. its just human nature to complain.

going to surgery next! its where we first met 1.5 year ago. i would rather we did not.

strangers

2011-09-23T23:37:00.002+08:00

We don't message each other anymore.we don't call each other anymore. we don't email each other anymore. we don't skype anymore. we don't say i miss you to each other anymore.

i supposed we don't have to. and never should. you and i make the perfect strangers.

and you moved on so fast and so well. it just makes me feel that you are a big fat liar.

it sucks to say this. but i still miss you.

i should wake up soon.

i am back!

2011-09-03T20:22:00.002+08:00

i am back after two months break!

time flies eh. i looked back at my last entry, it was during my minor posting. now, i am about to start my semester 9, which marks the start of my final year as medical student. somehow, now i feel the term medical student is not that bad after all.

two months. taiwan then to singapore. so much that i have gained. exposure, knowledge, skills, experiences, friendships, and weight too! lol..

this post is going to be so long if i share everything here. but i am more than glad to share my experience with anybody.

i am still not bored describing how much i loved taiwan's beauty, how much i missed the bubble tea ( and other food :D) , how surprised i was by the organised health care system there, etc etc. not forgetting my hospital experience in SGH. this part is boring, but undeniably, i have learnt so much so much over the 4 weeks there.

and of course all these wont be as exciting if i havent had experienced them with my friends, be it the new friends whom i have met or friends whom i have known for ages. it was nice to stay together with my ex-roomie again after so long. my stay in singapore would be so dull without her and her sister.

the 2 months was also a time for me to reflect. of whether what i am fighting for all this while is what i really want. are the sacrifices which i need to make/already made along the way worth while? is that the place where i truly want to be? is that the life i want to lead?

i don't have answer for that. but the most important lesson i have learnt is that nothing beats home. no matter how good, how nice, how organised, how awesome, how wonderful other countries are, nothing beats being in your own homeland. i felt so patriotic for the first time. lol.. and that also made me reflect on my future plans.

should i just stay here. bah. i don't know.

ear nose throat

2011-06-01T18:25:00.004+08:00

ear nose throat. funny how things are inter-related. how one thing can lead to another. even our organs are created this way. anyway, i am loving this posting, coz at least its not as tiring as accident and emergency.

acls is over and i can proudly say that i have passed :D but whether or not i can react fast enough and recall the algorithm when someone collapse in front of me is another issue.

have been trying to get back on track these few weeks. i duno if this is the kind of life i want, but at least i feel more at peace with myself.

3 more weeks and semester 8 is over. then i am leaving to taiwan for my elective. i cant wait to leave this place coz it kept reminding me of someone.

need to exercise and control my diet from now. then i can eat till i die in taiwan! ;p

if anybody say this to me, i will melt like a chocolate!not exactly anybody, maybe only somebody. but i don't think i will get that. cant believe i am saying this, but i actually miss all the sweet talkings, and how you made my heart skip a beat :(

sometimes, i really don't understand you.

200th post

2011-05-14T16:21:00.003+08:00

wow. this is my 200th post. i am amazed myself. this blog witnessed my process of growing up. i hope these posts here will be gentle reminder for myself not to repeat mistakes which i have done due to my naiveness.

being in accident and emergency department for one week has taught me a lot. red zone can either be a havoc like a disaster scene or as quiet as library. during the havoc period, thats when us as medical students get to kaypoh a bit and try to learn.

and during these havoc moments, thats when i realised i just cant think straight when i am nervous. thus a lesson to learn, i have to remain calm, controlled, confident, focused and observant, even when the world is in a storm. Have you heard of in the midst of the stormy disaster, the most tranquil place to be is in the eye of the hurricane? i want to be there in the midst of a storm.

and the only way to do so is by experience , experience, and experience. only through experiences we will gain confidence. i remembered how my hand trembled when i first attempted to insert an intravenous line. now, i can confidently put in one :)

being in the field which death is such a common matter made me feel desensitised. somehow, i feel cold. feel apathy towards patient's pain. i do not want to be this way. but the more i have seen, the colder i have became. and this is worrying.

i love the on calls at night in A&E. because it keeps me occupied. instead of sitting infront of my books passively trying to absorb the never ending medical knowledge, the running up and down in A&E is as good as jogging/swimming. and at the end of the day, i will feel so tired that i collapsed in the bed after getting home. spare my mind from thinking about nonsense.

i just cant wait to leave here. to be away from all this. 5 more weeks!

reasons to smile

2011-05-03T05:51:00.003+08:00

got a package from my dear postwoman, wy, all the way from philly :) it really warm my heart. reading through the postcards made me feel loved, this familiar feelings which i have long forgotten. hamsap, you just never failed to make me smile ( and tear) :)

and in the postcard, there's one line which i once wrote, which i have forgotten,

'you know, your ventricles need to pump very hard to circulate blood through your body. For every pulse, every breath, there are so many things happening in your body. so, don't waste your heart beat'

well said. i know have been wasting my heartbeat.and i know there's a sequelae everytime i get hurt. i know i have made people who care about me worried.

weekend break back in kuantan made me realised how much i have made my mom worried. she said i look cachexic. i have lost the radiant on my face.i have lost the smiles. and her heart aches when she sees me like this. i need to take that fresh new step forward, and not allowing myself to fall deeper.

anyway, thankyou hamsap!for everything!for being the very special person :)

hope

2011-04-30T14:10:00.001+08:00

just as the name of the blog, hope keeps me going. things can only get better :)

answer

2011-04-24T21:59:00.002+08:00

sometimes, we ask for answers. often, we don't get the answers. we spent our time thinking and thinking.

perhaps, what we need is not an answer. its a decision.

and to make the decision, it takes a lot of courage.

downhill

2011-04-23T13:25:00.004+08:00

how can all these happen so fast? i hope things could end up better.

this is like a vicious cycle. everything is so familiar. i went through the whole cycle before.

why do i always allow myself to fall into the same maze?

i always hope if there is someone who can tell me what i should do at such moment. but i know certain things you just gotta learn to solve it yourself. coz thats how you learn.

but i never seem to learn from mistakes. and i am going downhill again. i hope i can go back to the pre-eos period, when i just study study and study, nothing else but study. at least i feel like a human then. a useful one.

i cant wait to go taiwan/sg. away from all this. coz everything in my room reminds me of somebody. and its just plain torture.

looking back at my blog, i think i only update whenever i feel sad. many things happened in between. many reasons to smile. maybe what dr P said is true, we should always look at the positive sides of things.

strength

2011-04-17T20:15:00.003+08:00

i think pre-exam period is the time that i reflect a lot. what to do, i am easily distracted. anyway, reflection of the day, my friends say that i am a stressor to people around, as in, i tend to make people feel pressurized. i think i portray myself as someone who is very strong, especially for people who do not know me well. not many have seen me teared. thankfully.

personally, i do not think that i am very strong. i break down very easily too. its just maybe i am not comfortable to do that infront of other people.

but i think my immune system is breaking down nowadays. the wall is slowly crumbling. or am i too tired inside this wall? the wall which i have built to protect myself all this while.

maybe i need the adrenaline rush, the stress, to push me harder. push me away from thinking so much.

wedding invitation!

2011-04-07T20:41:00.003+08:00

wedding cupcake :))

nope nope. i am not getting married yet. lol. i wished. instead, i got my very first wedding invitation yesterday!

ahhh. wedding is such a happy thing. and i am so happy for her:) and , she is the top top student in our batch. i admire her for her discipline, how she can focus so well. i wish her happiness and much love!

first invitation. and i foresee many many more coming soon! maybe i can be like the show 27 dresses. lol. i like to go online and browse through those wedding photographer websites. it has became a habit to destress. every couple wants their wedding to be immotalized. and those wedding photographers are just so awesome. they are just so good in capturing those special moments:)

:)

2011-02-18T10:25:00.003+08:00

so, the war is over. and i am proud to say that i have fought it well :))

having more than one lecturer saying that you are just not good enough is really a good form of motivation. it feels great to prove to other people, and most importantly to yourself ,that you can actually achieve more than you can ever imagined.

it still feels like a dream. i am really grateful that my effort is paid off. the sweat, tears, every small step, throughout this year, are not wasted. the satisfaction after trying your best and getting what you desired is awesome.

i will take this as a motivation, to motivate myself to work even harder. i know with effort, with faith, with your 100% heart, you can achieve what you want:)

i owe my gratitude to so many people. but most importantly my parents. i know i have made them worried. i need to learn to be independent.

thankyou so much. to you . you. you. and yes, you who is reading this now :)

war

2011-01-16T12:35:00.001+08:00

the EOS war will begin soon.

i hope by then i will be all prepared.

everyday, i just want to tell you, it is not because of convenience, now.

but it was because of inconvenience, 3 years ago.

anyway, i shall be focused to fight this upcoming war.

smile and jiayou :)

still breathing

2011-01-08T08:25:00.003+08:00

i am still surviving, despite the crazy timetable. there goes three weeks of obs. and in few weeks time will be eos. everyday is a new learning day. the more i learn, the more i realise i duno something. its tiring, every night coming home to collapse on my bed, but it feels good to coz i know i have fully utilized each day.

i presented a case on anemia in pregnancy the other day. during physical examination, i commented that there is no pallor in the patient even though her hemoglobin level is just 7.5g/dl. the lecturer took a look at her palm and compared with his, and said, how can u say there is no pallor? coz obviously his hands look much more erythematous compared to the patient's. But i took up my palm and compare, mine is paller than the patient. lol.. the lecturer was then speechless. lol. i also didnt believe that she has no pallor on the conjuctivae and palms until i compared with mine. maybe my Hb is lower than a pregnant mother with twin pregnancy. lol..

looking at so many pregnant mothers with medical / obstetric problems in the ward everyday, i am thankful that i didnt create so much problems to my mother. and i am thankful that i was born healthy and not sent to NICU after delivery. i am thankful for my mother, for her unconditional love which has guided me all these years :)

hope the new year has been good for everybody.

happy new year:)

2010-12-31T21:00:00.003+08:00

spent my new year eve typing case summary for obs. and the comment from lecturer was :)) it feels great when your effort is paid off. but i believe there is always room for improvement. will try to do better next week/year ;p

last day of the year, listening to the new year speech by our dear prime minister, i dont feel lonely at all, even though i have all by myself today.

it has been a great year, many ups and downs, but i know they are all there so that i could be a better person. i know i always complain. but i thank god for whatever that happened.

2010 brought many great experiences. i believe 2011 will promise more.

quoting from a book, ' when you are in hell, find a bus stop and sit down. we wait for the bus, we know its coming, but we don't know when. whether its stormy or sunny day, whether you are in hurry or not, you still gotta wait. it comes when it comes'

i just have to constantly remind myself that bad days will pass, so will good days.

anyway, happy new year! may 2011 bring us happiness, health and much love :)

busy bee

2010-12-28T20:36:00.004+08:00

busy beee. obs has been really crazy. with average of 4-5 hours of sleep everyday, everyone is like zombie. labour room was great. but i told myself i will never have normal spontaneous vaginal delivery after assisting a few. i feel the pain for the mother in labour. with every contraction, the mothers cry in pain. but i also shared the joy of every mother as the baby's head pops out. as the baby cry, everyone smiles :)

one thing about obstetrics, whatever that happened during the pregnancy or labour, the baby will be born alive most of the time. so it will most likely be a happy ending :) but the workload is crazy. student rounds every morning infront of houseman and mo are just nerve wrecking.

i am thankful for the weekend christmas break, eventhough its just 2 days. felt much charged and much loved :) today is the first day i finally get to sit infront of my comp and slack slightly.

a month more to EOS. i duno how am i going to go through it. but i know it will be over in no time. gotta add oil!

side note, i spoke to a senior after so long. still as inspiring as ever. one thing which he mentioned stuck me, he said our character should always improve and develop. so true. but so hard. he reminded me that there's a life beside being a medical student. other roles which we have in life. a point which i almost forgot.

christmas

2010-12-18T16:52:00.004+08:00

christmas is in a week's time. not that i celebrate this over commercialised day, its just everybody else celebrates it.

bought a non medical book today, after so long. realised that i need something else in my life besides medicine. which is quite hard, because i don't even have enough time for medicine. Learning from the Heart, by Daniel Gottlieb, the same author as Letters to Sam, a book which inspired me so much. gonna read it before obstetrics start, before the war begins.

just got over paeds. cant say i love it, but its not as bad as what i have imagined. kids can be really annoying when they are ill, just like adult, lol.. but they are really cute when they are well. its funny to see the way they talk, they way they think. reminds me a lot of my niece:) exam was okay, wasted all my adrenaline panicking the night before. but i am glad that it is over.

i have been a good girl this year. will santa send me what i want? i duwan anything much.

all i want for christmas is you.

merry christmas :)

bye mr black :(

2010-12-07T10:32:00.005+08:00

it was a tragic week. my stethoscope took its last breath. huhu. while following the ward round, the doctor was commenting that particular patient has THE classic sign of a disease, so i went there and auscultate the patient. and i heard nothing. after trying on my friends many many times, i finally gave up and certify its death :( cause of death: idiopathic/trauma/infection. heh.

my first stethoscope, accompanied me for 3 years+. from the noob that didnt even know which side to put in, to being able to recognize murmur in patients, it has served me well.

and thankfully, my gp told me that he has one brand new extra stethoscope! and he gave that to me :D that saves me pocket from a hole. sometimes, you just gotta be thankful with what u have.and i am.

my old black stethoscope, and meet the new Mr grey :)

its december already. time really flies. means exam is one step closer as well. research is on the run too. cracked my head trying to key in the data. paeds is ending soon too. so fast so fast so fast. and my immune system is failing me too. i have been getting sick every posting since psy, ortho, and now paeds. at the rate that i am falling sick, i will acquire all the antibodies and antiviral by the time i graduate wei! ;p

care

2010-11-28T10:20:00.002+08:00

so true. i feel, we always tend to hurt the people who care for us.

i need more strength

2010-11-27T20:37:00.003+08:00

got back ortho and psy results ytd. i got my first A in clinical school, and also first failure in my medical school.zzz. still can't believe i failed the ortho paper. and still can't believe i got A for the ortho clinical exam. irony. anyway, i am thankful that i didn't fail both the paper and clinical, considering i have such a horrible posting with so much distractions.

went back to the ward on a friday nite. paeds ward was quiet. so we got a chance to speak to the houseman who is oncalling. when asked how's the life of a houseman, she said, the worst day as a medical student is nothing comparable to a day as a houseman.

responsibilities, scoldings, are what you get everyday. you will feel stupid everyday. you will wonder what you actually learn in the 5 years of medical school. you try very hard everyday, but its never enough. thats what she said.

i remember i saw a specialist scolding a houseman, and infront of everyone, her tears rolled down. at that moment, i told myself, i should never never be like that. i must train my crying tolerance level so that i won't cry so easily.

and despite the increasing number of houseman, the workload is still a lot. just yesterday, a houseman was involved in accident after oncalling because it was just so tiring.

huhu. i am scared. i am not sure if i have the mental ( and physical) strength to go through all this.

but at the end of the conversation, she told us, whatever happened, just tell yourselves, never never give up.

yes, i have to keep telling myself, never never give up!

man vs machine

2010-11-24T20:16:00.004+08:00

today, during our class, we were discussing murmurs found in child, which most likely due to congenital heart disease. the lecturer asked what should we know as a medical student/future doctor? to know there IS a murmur, or to recognise what is it? his answer was, we are only required to know if there there IS a murmur, coz everything after that will be answered by a machine called echocardiogram.

last time, when there wasn't echo, doctors are expected to come out with diagnosis and management just by using stethoscope. things has changed huh? i wonder will it be a day that clinical skills are no longer important anymore, and everything is replaced by robotic machine, they can make the diagnosis, they can manage the patient.

what is different of us and machine is that we have clinical skills to recognise different signs, which a machine could not do, the rest can be done by a machine. anyone can just google their symptoms online and get the management plan easily. but, with more and more medical schools mushrooming here in msia, i wonder if we will get enough training for our clinical skills. if we are competent next time. if we can do better than what a machine does.

but i do hope i can work like a machine now. recharge by plugging in and can work once fully charged. i am so tired already. zzz. 10 weeks to EOS. ohman! howtostudy7postingsalltogether.to handle the current posting is tough already, to revise the past postings are insane.

machines are good because they have no feelings. they are not emotionally attached to anyone.

but when they could not take it, they break down.

i really really hope things can end up in different way :(

its the kids!

2010-11-15T19:25:00.003+08:00

yep, i am now in paeds! bye bye to bones, and here come the kids. first day in the paeds ward just made me miss my niece more. i am going to head down and meet her this weekend :)

just finished ortho and psy exam last week, rushed back to kuantan, not to rest, but to rush my 5case summaries. i remember seniors telling me during my phase1, semester5 is like walking in the park, and clinical sch is like running up mount k. to walk up to mount k is tough enough, i couldn't imagine running up. but i undstn how it feels now. i barely have time to breath before the new posting starts. and i foresee things will just keep coming and coming till feb next year.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i want to go up to a mountain and scream my heart out. but i don't even have any energy left to climb up. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i feel like going home again, eventhough i just went home over the weekend. i miss my parents. and the warmth at home. and most importantly, i dread coming back to my room, driving my car, passing by seremban town, coz it reminds me of somebody. blah.

i thought things could be better. but i was wrong :(

晴天雨天

2010-11-07T11:29:00.001+08:00

下了好多场雨，几时是天晴呢？

zzz

2010-11-04T18:38:00.003+08:00

i have been having hypersomnia recently, which is like excessive daytime sleepiness everyday. sleep sleep sleep! i hope i can sleep all day long, but this is not possible. bah.

switched to female ortho ward this week. a pretty young girl in the ward caught everyone's attention. later then we know she was involved in the 101010 accident. the one who survived miraculously despite being crushed under the bus. she had a spine injury and it may be irreversible. and she is only 20 years old.

i don't know if its because of nn that made me feel this way for the girl. is it better to be like nn or to survive like this girl? what can she do now? what can she do for her future? it is heart wrenching to see her lying on the bed, and look up to ceiling hopelessly everyday.

she is one of the beds i am supposed to clerk. but i just didnt have the courage to talk to her. wanted to console her, motivate her, encourage her. but i just didnt do that. because i know i will be feeling far worse if i am in her shoes. she is stronger than me already.

when i look at her everyday, i asked myself, who I am to complain? I have no rights at all to complain.

for the very least, i can still walk.

balance

2010-10-30T23:03:00.004+08:00

today, i went to Mcd in seremban parade. i sat there for 2 hours alone. observing the passerby-s - old people, young people, kids, teenagers, couples, families. it was such a strange feeling. i felt that i don't belong there. perhaps i was too indulged in studies, in hospital life, that i haven't been in touch with the real world out there.

lol. the kids remind me of my niece.

i kept asking myself, is it worth it to sacrifice so much to be a doctor, or more precise, to be a competent doctor? how much litres of tears, how much kgs of loneliness till the day i can actually achieve what i want.

should the heart listen to the brain or the brain should listen to the heart? being rational and disciplined can be so painful.

its saturday night. the song issues by The saturdays is just how i feel now.

'There's a part of me that won't let you go
Keep saying yes while my minds saying no
Me and my heart we got issues
Don't know if I should hate you or miss you'

But i know what i should do now from your reply.

brrrr~

2010-10-25T22:50:00.003+08:00

the weather is like my mood now. brr. cold and moody. huuuuhuuuu. it has been raining like almost everyday now. and i haven't been running for ages, like almost a month since my 25km. i still have knee pain when i climb stairs. probably the meniscus/ligament problem.

bah bah. its 3rd week of ortho. and it doesnt feel like it. i don't think i know much about ortho. next week is going to be first viva, then second viva following week and followed by clinical exam and also end of posting papers for Psy and ortho. ah ah ah ah ah.stress is building up.

sometimes, i just miss having someone to lean on. but i also dread to wet the pillow before sleeping because i miss the someone.

bones. moans. groannnnsss.

约定

2010-10-17T16:24:00.005+08:00

就这样三年又过了

我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现
空气中吻你的脸
我还记得我们的约定

really, three years has passed. fast it may seem. the promise that was held is no longer valid. funny , memories between us kept popping up in my mind this few days. and as i looked through the pictures we had, as i read back your old blogposts, tears just rolled down.

something has changed. but something remains.

i know with time, wound will heal. but will the scar be gone?

maybe it's time to find out what has changed and what hasn't. i shouldn't think so much man.

50 things you should do before graduating

2010-10-03T22:13:00.002+08:00

i was reading this, and it strikes me, how true it is.

out of the 50 things, i like the last line the most.

''This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn.''

so true. many of my friends are already working. thats when we are thrown into the real world. that time, our responsibility is not only to learn, but many other things as well.

so scary. i cannot imagine graduating in less than 2 years time. one question: would i be competent enough to serve? i hope i can answer proudly then :)

child

2010-09-30T20:45:00.004+08:00

i was having child psychiatry this few days. and one conclusion that i can make, i am no good with kids. lol. i just cant connect with them laaa. i was supposed to clerk a 6 years old girl with selective mutism/speech refusal yesterday. and can u believe it, i actually felt like i was playing squash for that 30 mins! you know, its like you are talking to a wall and there was no response. lol.

there's only one explanation, i am way too mature already ;p

psy exam is next week, which means psy is ending soon. i think i sort of like psy wei. its something really different from medical, but its interesting, because it deals with human mind. i will miss the nice MO in the ward too, who guided us in such self directed learning environment. not forgetting the consultant too, who is so cool. so cool i tell u ;p

we were in methadone clinic today for our case presentation ( which i have presented very disorganised-ly) , and the class stretched from 1130 till 3pm. we were all starving to death. and the consultant told us, ' u guys can have some methadone' , and when we showed our stoned face, he continued to say, its expensive stuff wei. lol..k, nothing interesting. i just enjoy typing here than to type my case summary. its depressive to type a summary on a patient with depression in such a depressive night. zzz.

home is one week away. not sure if i can go back next week after exam, but i just wannaaa go home so much. bah bah bah. the thought of doing research makes me feel like puking. zzzz.

crab walking

2010-09-27T20:25:00.004+08:00

i am walking like a crab now. whyy?

yes! i did my first 25km yesterday! cant believe it right? i cant believe myself too. i cant believe i sign up for such a crazy thing , when i am having such a crazy schedule already. 4 weeks of psy, that explains a lot right? lol..

anyway, it was a hell! first challenge, up and down hills. i have lost count on how many hills that i have painfully jogged up, and down. its countless. i could feel my gastrocnemius yelling in pain everytime i jog up a hill. nextly, the hot burning sun with no shades during the whole 25km route. i just kept pouring water on my arm and thigh in all the water stations to cool myself down. lol..

most important of all, i didnt do much training for this run. all these factors coupled with lack of preparation, it was just a plain torture running the 25km. well, i didnt exactly run the 25km continously, i just gave up and started walking at around 18km. and i walked under the hot sun for 7km. luckily, i found a walking partner along the route, mr azaidi, someone whom i just get to know yesterday. lol.. he made my last few km less boring.

that just made me miss having someone to run together with. someone that could push me hard.

and this applies to runs, and also my daily lives.

i rmb during my last 21km, we were so busy saying hi byes to our friends along the route, motivating each other when we bump into each other during the U turns, the 21km seem relatively easy. now, i don't bother to look at other runners. coz i know none of them, well, besides rm, who waited for me for so longggg..lol..

i miss doing things with friends together. running together. hiking together. studying together. practising csu together. or just simply sitting together in lecture hall together. all these simple things seem so impossible now. in clinical school, people are busy with their own things. even when we go out, it will be like rushing here there. haish.

anyway, i reached the finishing point veryyy late. lol. of course i didnt get a medal. but i was given the finishing tee. yay. at least something for all the sweats! i love the tshirt, eventhough its like so pinkish. lol..

thought disorder

2010-09-21T21:36:00.004+08:00

studying psy with all the criteria listed for DSM IV or ICD 10 is frustrating. so many things under one topic. i guess if someone is going to do mental status examination on me, it will be as bad as someone who is having dementia. huhuu.

as i was driving, it occurred to me, all the names for the diseases are named by none other than us, human. either name after the doctor who discovered the pattern of it, or name after the first patient in which the symptoms are found.

so funny. we find a pattern of disease, gather the pattern, compare it, and come out with weird names for each of them. eg.. schizophrenia. wonder how they came out with the name. lol.

the patients in the psy ward here is different from other wards. i mean, yes, of course the disease they have is different from those in medical wards. what i meant was that, here, most of the patients think they are alright. and true enough, most of them are perfectly healthy, physically.

unlike the patients in other wards who suffered from all the physical symptoms who wants to get well.here, they think they are well. and they really don't understand why they are kept here in the ward. if you see the condition in the ward, no one who is sane would want to stay there for a night.

but seeing them made me realise that anything can happen to anyone. these patients made me laugh, some of them made me tear. i felt my deep empathy towards one of the patients whom i met few weeks ago. she graduated from a prestigious uni in Sg , currently in her second sem for masters. all of the sudden, she just changed, presented with all the symptoms of schizophrenia. her mom showed me her family portrait during her graduation, it was a happy family. she looked so happy, so cheerful. now, the only word that i can use to describe is miserable. she felt miserable, didnt understand why she was kept in the ward.

suddenly, i am scared. what if this happen to me? i know this may sound childish or whatever you call it, but i am really scared.

sadly, the stigma is still present.

empathy vs sympathy

2010-09-06T22:08:00.003+08:00

lecturer said, what patients need is our empathy, not sympathy.

which is what i need as well.

but what i have are the 4 walls in my room.

geez, i think i can meet the criteria for major depressive disorder in DSM IV already.

Psy!

2010-09-01T22:05:00.002+08:00

First day in psychiatry ward! and at the end of the day, i told my posting mate, i don't know if i will still stay sane after 5 weeks in Psy. man, i don't know how the doctors manage to keep their faces straight while interviewing the patients, with the patient telling you some non-existent things, things which only they themselves believe.

seeing all these mentally ill patient, i wonder, is it more torturous to be mentally or physically ill? at least for some of them in the ward here, they are enjoying themselves in their imaginary world, as compared to the patients in medical ward.

either way, i am thankful that i am healthy, physically and mentally, hopefully still is after 5 weeks.

leehom::)

2010-08-20T15:22:00.004+08:00

i received some really funny comments last week.

1) my aunt, whom i didnt meet for about 2 years came back from taiwan.

she said: did u grow taller?
me: errr, i didnt grow taller for the past 6 years ( in fact i think since sec3 , lol...)aunt: i think u look much taller now.
me: err...
aunt: eh, all your pimples gone ady?
me: i don't have much pimples since last time...
aunt: the last time i came back you are not that pretty ler..

2) i met up with my secondary school classmates, one of them i havent seen for about 2 years as well after she went over to study in nz.
friend: ehhh, u look like u have grown taller!
me: errrm, i think i didnt!
friend: u must go and measure your height soon.
me: kkkkkkk =.=
friend: you hair is longer now, you look prettier also.

hahahahahahahaa. sorry. i am just being me. but i did not make up the above stories okay ;p
but, after two person asked if i have grown taller, maybe i should really go and check my height soon. and now i wonder, was i really THAT ugly last time . center parting is not THAT bad right.. lol.. that explains why i am still single now... huhuuuuu.

maybe i just haven't met the right guy yet.
the right guy
:) how can a guy be so talented, so good looking, and sooo attractive! :)

the right guy. is there such thing? i wonder. but like what yc said last time, i am going to scold my future husband when i meet him, coz he made me waited for so long. lol...

new template

2010-08-19T16:28:00.004+08:00

yay! i finally have a new template. sorry for the previous template, its eye straining. i know i know. lol.. the change in distance between my eyes and my comp screen is telling me that i need a new specs soon ;p

but yes, new template! :) when u see me blogging so often, it means i am getting bored already. lol. and when u see me changing my template, means mushrooms are growing on my body already.

to kill time, justnow i was rearranging the stuff in my phone. havent been using much of its function, except for calling and messaging. lol. sorry mr touch2, i will try to fully utilise u, after i upload some programmes. anyway, while i was browsing through the pics which i have captured, i found that:

50%: my niece's pictures :))
20%: pics of ppl sleeping in class ;p
10%: blood results, med articles, etc
10%: pics of myself when perasan-ness kicks in :D

10%:random pics of the sky :)

some of the pictures from mr touch2:

my niece, after eating panmee :) i guess, we can say cuteness is something that can be inherited, probably autosomal dominant :)

yes, have i said this before, if there's one thing i love about seremban, its the sky:) the skyline in seremban is something which u cannot see, elsewhere ( maybe at least in kl la ;p) but yes, its sooo wonderful :) it totally made my day every morning as i see the sunrise, especially during my surgical posting when i need to reach the ward by 7am. ahhh. bliss :)

yes yes yes, i know i look so lady-like. lol. and nope, i didnt buy that dress.
yes yes yes, i know it looked nice on me ( lol) , but i know i just wont wear it so often la. you know me ;p and in case u wonder, i am not so vain/bimbo-ish .i dun take pictures of myself in fitting room THAT often k. this is one of the few rare instances ;p and if u look closer, u can see mr touch 2 in this pic too! :)

i am back!

2010-08-11T20:31:00.003+08:00

i am back, after so long! :) 3 weeks break, something i have been looking forward to since forever. i need it badly.

surgery-done, int medicine-done, family medicine-done

and yesh, i am done with my first semester in clinical school. time really flies. i still rmb the first day when i stepped in surgery ward 5 months ago, a noobie that time. ah, sometimes, i do miss being noobie, at least i can afford to be ignorant. saw sem10 taking graduating pics the other day, after they passed their eos10. ah, i hope to be there one day. one day, i will be there :)

how did all my postings go?tiring, exhausting, but at the same time fullfilling. everyday in the ward is a new learning experience. i complain complain and complain, day in day out, but somehow when i looked back now, i am thankful for the learning experience, coz i know it will be worse when i am the houseman next time.

the only thing i hope to have now is a shoulder to cry on, someone whom i can turn to to share my joy and sadness, a person whom i can depend on. i have friends, we share how bad our days was, how weird the patient we met, comparing who has the worst day. but coming home, i face the 4 walls in my room, cant help but feeling lonely. i wish my very good friend is here with me, giving me the big fat hug i miss so much, everytime i am feeling down.

anyway, jiayou everyone, wherever you are, whatever you are doing! :)

Oncology

2010-05-28T23:30:00.003+08:00

came across this article as i was reading an oncologist's blog.

Just say die

''Dying, which was once viewed as natural and expected, has becomemedicalized into an unwelcome part of medical care. ''

''Worse, death has become medicine's enemy—areminder of our limitations of medical diagnosis and management.''

Patient's death, should not be treated as medical failure. it's terribly hard to lose a patient, and its even harder to tell a patient that he/she is going to die.

oncology. haishh.

down down down

2010-05-21T20:59:00.003+08:00

i need someone to tell me,

how do we keep the energy level high, when everyone around you looks so lethargic/ill?

how do we stay positive, when you are 'greeted' by 4 deaths early in the morning?

how do we stay happy, if you encounter people crying everyday?

it seems, laughing is an offense. seriously.

i know i have to keep going. i need something to keep me focused.

我累了

2010-05-13T00:02:00.003+08:00

喜欢一个人可以变得好累。

我真的累了。

是时候放手了。

我相信，雨过，就是天晴。

可是，为社么，这场雨，

下了这么久还没停呢?

happy mother's day:)

2010-05-09T13:08:00.004+08:00

it's mother's day today.

i really really really want to go home.

but i cant :(

the notes that are piling up, the reports that are piling up, the list of things-to-do is going on and on.

just this week, i didn't call my mom for 3 days. and she tried to call me. and coincidentally, my phone ran out of battery while i was in the ward at night. when i reached home at 11pm, saw so many missed calls and message from her. i felt so bad. that i made her worried.

i spent so much time in the ward, trying to understand the patients, trying to understand each disease better, comforting them not to be worried, while i leave the very person that love me worried.

this is just the beginning. and i am already like this. how will the next few years be like?

i always say that i am a family oriented person. REALLY? now i doubt.

i miss home so much :(

somethings in life are easier once we do it n times. like taking blood, inserting IV line. repeat repeat repeat and you will improve. i wish it applies for leaving home as well. but no, it's so hard to step out of the door each time. it never will be easy.

5 more weeks.

life as of now

2010-05-01T22:44:00.003+08:00

internal med.

not as crazy as what i have thought. at least i still have time to breath :)

before we enter internal med, we kept saying, we will miss surgery. i still do. but i think i m starting to like internal med already. the patients. the ward. the houseman. the doctors. and my ward-mates, and of coz most importantly the lecturer. i got a cardiologist as my mentor. andddd, i really fall in love with him wei. the way he explained how the heart works is just amazing. never had anyone can explain medicine so well.

despite the craziness, my life is still so dramatic.i duno how long more i can take this wei. but i was happy to be in the shit hole again. i mean. i am happy. but at the same time i feel pathetic. i duwan to come out from the shit hole. but at the same time i know i need to be out of it.

i duwan tragedy to repeat itself. i shall promise myself, there wont be part 2 of 1 litres of tear.

the other drama of my life. duno how to describe it. but, i just hope i don't hurt anyone just as how i was hurt, eventhough it means losing yet another friend.

a night which ended well, a webcam session with my hamsapest all the way from her new room in philadelphia :) somethings just don't change. and it is this things which i appreciate the most :)

2010-04-25T08:56:00.004+08:00

it's so easy to describe everything in one word, confused. it practically covers everything. and u dun need to explain yourself after that. just coz you are confused.

i hate it when people tell me that they are confused.

but now, i am confused, too.

i really dun understand myself.

that just reminds me of the way my niece looks at me. lol.

i am already excited now. the anticipation. it's amazing how my pulse rate still fluctuate at that split second. its amazing how i can still catch my breath at that moment.i thought i am desensitized. but obviously i am not. geez.

radio was playing the song fall for you by secondhand serenade yesterday night. after so long. it just reminded me of someone. it still does. it also reminded me of the days which i play it every single night before i sleep. whereby it accompanied my tears. just coz it reminded me of someone.

2010-04-23T12:18:00.004+08:00

A lecturer said to us,

everyone has got his fullstop. and we doctors create havoc as we try to move or change the fullstop.

sometimes, i cant help but to agree with this statement.

end of posting exam is over. this marks the end of surgery posting. i cant believe i am saying this, but i think i will miss surgery!! i didnt like it initially, probably because i was still a lost soul that time. but till the end of the last few weeks, especially when i switched to ward 3A, i totally fall in love with surgery :)

and despite the rumours on the 'malignant' lecturer of 3A, our group totally respect and admire him. he is the best best best lecturer of all :) eventhough i have to wake up at the wee hours, and be in the ward before 7am, and 'attempt' to cover the whole ward each day, i have no complaints. just coz i know he wants the best out of us. he has my respect :)

now, i am happy. back at home. and can you believe it, i actually slept 16 hours yesterday! time to recharge before the super hectic internal medicine posting starts.

2010-04-18T12:30:00.003+08:00

you don't drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis Cole

it's not easy to come out of it. it looks simple. i thought is not hard. but, its really that hard.

sometimes, i hope i can be least dependant to others.

i did a few mistakes on friday. i was so dissappointed with myself. i still feel so guilty now. to the patient. and to the family. it wasn't something big, but somehow i still feel so sorry. pfft. and, one senior told me, dun worry, at least now you learnt.

i always wonder, if i am going to hurt someone in my process of learning, then i already break hippocrates oath, Primum non nocere - first do no harm.

but, the only thing i can do now is to keep learning. hopefully one day i will be really competent.

2010-04-04T13:22:00.004+08:00

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

that was the question i have been asking myself since i stepped in to hospital 4 weeks ago.

and i still don't know the answer yet.

i don't know how long more i can keep walking in this dark tunnel.

andd, another question i really want to ask you, why?

2010-03-23T21:56:00.003+08:00

today, i needed to talk to someone badly. someone, anyone. but only then i realised, i have no one to turn to. :(

now, i miss those days when i have roomates who are 'easily accessible' for me to bug. or friends whom i can message/call anytime when i am feeling stressed.

now, the only people whom i talk the most with are the patients in the ward. its nice to hear from people, about their life, but i have my life too.

i want to have a life. i want to share my stories with someone too.

geez. emoness is back in the air. sucks. it's just 2.5 weeks. don't remind me i have 2.5 years more.

stand

2010-03-20T13:38:00.003+08:00

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you stand

Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

stand-Rascal Flatts

2weeks in surgery, it really felt like a candle in a hurricane. times like this, you hope you are not alone. even if you are alone, stand up, and you will be alright. at least i havent been pushed to the extent to drink dettol and end up in a&e. sometimes, when i look at the patients in hospital, i feel that my life is not that sucky afterall. at least i am healthy physically. but mentally? heh.

eeks, sometimes, people do things that they know they will regret. they know they will sulk after that.but they will still do it. why. i really wonder why. i am still sulking over it. pfft.

2010-03-06T08:09:00.002+08:00

the feeling sucks when you suddenly realised the very person that you have been protecting shoot you right in the heart. the only lesson you learnt would be, never ever trust a person 100%

its scary when a person can portray such a innocent image infront of everyone, but deep inside, the person has got motives for every move. the lesson learnt would be, never ever judge a book from its cover.

as a friend said when she was drunk, life sucks. yes. life sucks :(

after all the borinnnnggg briefings for a week, lesson proper is gonna kick start on monday. yay to that. at least there's no need of sitting in for some stupid dull briefings. but i foresee the challenging life ahead. challenging, is better than boring after all .

i know soon everything will be fine. just cause i believe in it.

2010-02-26T00:33:00.004+08:00

1 day ! and i am leaving my homesweethome. i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan. pfft. and i got my postings list yesterday. surgery-internal med- family med. and i complain complain and complain to my mom. i pray that i can get family med first, just because i need time to settle down and slowly start my engine as the new semester begins.

and my mom asked me: when u are having your meal, do u eat the drumstick first or the timun-tauge-greenpea-onion first? of coz the latter. since young, i have the habit of keeping the food that i like to the last on the plate, and after i finish all the unnecessary-disgusting-food then only i will slowly savour my favourite food.

thats right. think positive man! i need to think positive. just as the chinese saying goes, 先苦后甜. first bitter then sweet. yes. i can do it man! a friend told me that she is excited that semester is starting soon, because that would mean a new life. a different life. yes, i hope to have a new life too. a happy life .

i want to be happy because , not despite .

2010-02-23T15:14:00.010+08:00

quoting from a chapter in dale carnegie's:

The value of smile

It costs nothing, but create much

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give

It happens in a flash, and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits

Yet it cannot be bought, borrowed, begged, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till its given away.

the smiley which is with me for the past 1 year+ given by balala :)

yesterday, i was searching through my drawer, for some pretty postcards to decorate my room in seremban. thats where i keep the postcards which are sent by friends and also those which i have collected in singapore. lots of them. colourful ones, meaningful ones, inspiring ones, funny ones, hamsap ones. from different parts of the world. and i hoping for more to come, as many of the hamsaps are soon flying to everywhere, and i will get to collect more of them. to enter the 'wall of fame' , just send the entry form to me okay * hint* ;p

i like this one the most, given by my angel, kevin when i was playing angel and mortal game during JC times. so apt ler for now:)

i plan to put all these colourful postcards on the wall. this will definitely cheer me up when i am studying. and not forgetting my LEEHOM posters. i found back the poster which i got in sg, the one which kh, sy and myself went all the way to jurong east ( or was it bishan) to get it signed by LEEHOM :D that was my first meeting with him. wahahahaha.. wahahahaha..wahahahaahaa..

HAHA. i look so noob that time.

another noob moment, i found back many letters in the drawer, dated as old as 1997, sent by my primary school mates. we were so noob back then ler. sending each other snail mails during holidays when we were just staying few km away from each other. and oh man. my chinese handwriting was sooooo bad back then. haha. i miss those times. and those things we did. things we did when we are innocent and childish ;p

talking about childish, i just had so many childish comments on my fb wall on my status : MISU MISU! ahhhh, i am so in love with the drama! especially xiao xiao bing :D

MISU MISU :D :D :D

HWS

2010-02-18T11:35:00.003+08:00

HWS- holidays withdrawal syndrome.

i think i am getting pre-HWS. just last night, i was counting the days which i can slack like this - finish novels in one sitting, watch drama without any guilt, sleep till mid-afternoon,and continue napping after lunch, go jogging for as long as i want, on the tv and watch nothing, sit on the couch and do nothing, kacau ppl from different parts of the world for nothing - basically just doing nothing.

and count down: its 10 days more! walau. 10 days !!! how cannnnnn??? !!! i am not done slacking yet!

hahah, actually i am sort of grateful that uni is starting soon, at least i dun need to keep complaining to people that i feel siensted. i bet i will regret saying this line as soon as seremban starts. i foresee that it's gonna be like from heaven to hell. pffft.

and finally, the dreaded chinese new year is over. since young, i never like cny ( excluding the angpau and new cloths part). every year, i have to drag my fat butt back to segamat, which is my parents hometown during cny. not that i dislike going back, but i just don't anticipate the idea of 60 people squeezing in one house. with 10 families all back home, you can imagine the havoc man! and the heat wave this year is not helping much! my room is just like an oven. i feel like a roasted rabbit. lol..

but i am happy that i get to see my grandparents. although my grandpa now doesnt recognise anyone, to see him walking eating sleeping healthily is good enough. and when i saw my dad kneeling down to cut toe nails for my grandpa, that image hit me. i was really touched. that simple small act.

it reminded me of the times when my dad kneel down and cut nails for me, when i was still a small child. and that moment, i tell myself, i will take care of my parents, just like how they took care of me last time.

its a lamentable fact that more and more people are casting the older generations away because they are unable to do anything by themselves, hence categorised as burden. but aren't we all like that when we are young, can't walk,eat, change cloths, go to toilet on our own, and who are the ones who patiently did all that for us? of course its our parents ( i am not talking about rich families with 10 maids and 5 babysitters )

thus, no matter how reluctant i am to go back to segamat during cny, i will still go back. because i know that's something which the old people has long anticipated. i know my grandma has started buying all those new year stuff one month back. all the preparations just to celebrate the reunion of the family. her smile, her smile is all that is worth it for me to just stay in the oven for few days.

and of course, not forgetting, her smile too :)

i couldnt find the card reader to include a latest picture of her, but here's a picture of her when she is still a obese baby ;p now she is soo thin already ler.

read.read.read

2010-02-09T14:29:00.005+08:00

my attempt to try to brush up some of my clinical stuff before uni starts has proved to be a failure. pfft..

on a fine monday morning, me being very enthu, carried my osce manuals to the library. and just being the curious me, i went to browse through the shelves since i havent stepped into this library for ages. i still remember, i used to go there every week, to the children's section to read childish story books, like RL stine, my all time favourite last time. so noob eh. haha..

anddddd, guess what i found on the book shelves in the adult section! whole collections of paulo coelho novels! haha, you cannot imagine how happy i was wei! that will save my wallet so much , because i was planning to buy his novels since now seremban imu libary most likely wont be as luxurious as bj's one. and i also found many other authors' novels which i am interested in reading.

so, instead of csu manuals, i was reading tony parsons' novel, man and wife. i rmb some time ago,some hamsap recommended me to reading tony parsons. but unfortunately, i couldn't find his best selling novel man and boy, so i chose to read the sequel to it. and, guess what, i buried myself in that book, and finished it in one morning! bliss :D :D :D the kind of satisfaction you wont get from reading one whole book of clinical medicine. haha..

the novel, not bad, i would say, but not very much the type of genre i like. but i did enjoy the satisfaction of finishing a book in one sitting :D

and, i have borrowed a few more books back to read before cny! ahah! i guess, the csu manuals can wait ;)

2010-02-06T12:29:00.002+08:00

something worth reading :)

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/26/haiti.doctors.lessons/index.html

somewhere which i hope to be in, in a few years time.

penang

2010-02-05T14:41:00.005+08:00

saw this interesting status shout out on fb :

就算是Believe 中間還是有個 lie ; 就算是Friend 最後還是會有個 end ; 就算是Lover 最後還是會 over ; 就算是forget 也要先 get才行。

hmmm...

got back from penang on monday, and stayed over at kl for few days before i came back to kuantan. home sweet home. home is really sweet :) and to my surprise, after all the stuff-your-mouth-with nice penang food trip, i lost 3kg. ohoh! and i even asked my mom if the weighing machine is not functioning well already. haha. and i am half dead after i reached home, having sorethroat, slight feverish, headache, and ulcers all over my big mouth ( with the size of my big mouth, you can imagine how many ulcers i am having now)

having to travel from east to west then up north on the bus, 4 hours to kl, then 5 hours to penang, then 5 hours back to kl and another 4 hours to kuantan, i have learn my lesson. that is to plan ahead my travelling trips, so that i can get to book air flight at a low price, and don't need to make my poor butt suffer for so many hours. not complaining though, at least i get to meet the hamsap gang and also had the chance to lame around for few days :)

bye bye penang, bye bye nice-yummy-good-food, and bye bye hamsaps! till we meet again (soon!) :)

when i came back, only then i realised that i was in penang, took the same highway to penang on a bus to penang, a highway which took away one of my good friends 2 years ago. i still remember, it was january 25th. i have always wanted to visit her family. but i just didnt have the chance ( or maybe courage) to do so.

ok, back to hibernating!

why i am lame?

2010-01-22T23:49:00.005+08:00

and yes, i always wonder, why am i lame? and today i got the answer ( i think i knew the answer long ago, but what happened justnow had just testified what i suspected all this while ;p)

we went to the pasar malam justnow. my parents and myself. while we are walking..

dad: eh, look, there's hair in the drink that they sell there..

( as i was about to show the disgust in my face ) ... guess what i saw? CINCAU in the soya drink! walau... i cant believe somebody just said that cincau is hair...

dad: eh paiseh mar! i didnt look closely enough...

and now, please don't blame me for my lame-ness. and don't ask me whyy. i was born with that wei!

and just as i came home, i got a offline message from my dearest ex-ex-roomie. haha. she sent me a email with folders, and when i look at the title of the folder ---'' k** h*** singing ''( i shall not disclose the name here, lol ) , i almost puke. lol... sorrry la, haha, but i am just not used to ..people being so confident of their own voice. but i would say, its not that bad la.. :)

so now, another reason, why i am so lame, just coz i have funny friends ;) or i should say, i am blessed with funny friends and family.

i think i am bit sot already, must be the siens-ness. must be! anddd, i just did a test sort of thing on facebook. walau, the results just made my day ! :D:D:D:D:D some certain small things ( which i know very well myself that its not true ) , deceiving yourself to make yourself happy is a good thing , sometimes :)

2010-01-21T11:06:00.010+08:00

came across this very meaningful poem, which according to paulo coelho, its written by a japanese poet, Mitsuo Aida, reminding us the importance of innocence.

Because it has lived its life intensely

the parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.

The flowers merely flower,

and they do this as well as they can.

The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,

Doest not need to explain itself to anyone;

It lives merely for beauty.

Men, however, cannot accept that 'merely'.

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,

they would look completely ridiculous.

I am always amazed

that so many people are concerned

with wanting to be what they are not;

what's the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don't always have to pretend to be strong,

there's no need to prove all the time that everything is goingwell,

you shouldn't be concerned about what other people are thinking,

cry if you need to,

it's good to cry out all your tears

( because only then will you be able to smile again )

easier said than done. ''merely'', how many people can actually settle down by just being ''merely''?

i was nagged into doing spring cleaning yesterday ( spring cleaning, and spring onion, i like neither! ) i discovered a lot of '' treasures'' as i was cleaning up my stuff, including mr siukeong which i have later killed it, so sorryy mr siukeong!

and then, i found one whole stack of university application documents, and also some acceptance letters. among it, i found the offer of asean undergraduate scholarship by nus. IF i were to accept it, my parents wouldn't have to fork out such a big amount for me to study now; IF i were to accept it, i will be graduating as a pharmacist/bioengineer next year! IF i were to accept it, i might be doing some exchange programme, like all my other friends, in UK/US; IF i were to accept it, i don't need to flood my brain with anatomy-physio-patho-pharmaco blah blah.

so many IFs, and i asked myself, do i just want to settle with 'merely' that? i have my regrets, but i know it's too late. sometimes, there's just no U-turn in life. you just gotta keep going. but, i am starting to gain back my enthusiasm for medicine, which i have once doubted.

1 month more to clinical school, i know i am going to enjoy this 2.5 years :) and it's my bro's 31st birthday today. oh man! i can't believe how old he is already. haha. i am already feeling so old with a '2' infront of my age. imagine a '3' ! my goodness. perhaps that is what u called, maturity ;p

2010-01-12T12:24:00.007+08:00

Have you ever wondered, why people always expected you to smile when taking photographs? i guess, it's because they hope that in the future, there would be something to smile about. and also for the hope to capture that very moment. that happy moment.

the one on the left was taken dec2005, and the one on the right taken jan2010. same place at awana kijal :)

4 years, i guess, nothing much has changed., physically ( besides the extra few kgs ;P ) but many things have taken place since then. i realised, i always like to compare now and then. don't know whether its a bad habit of mine, but it's good for myself to evaluate if i have improved throughout the years.

and nope, i am not emo, jh :D still surviving despite the siens-ness.

p/s: new year's resolution is to stay emo-less ( hmm, or at least, try to reduce the emoness :)

2010-01-09T12:27:00.003+08:00

老妈常说我做事都是三分钟热度，

我在想，

如果爱情可以那样，

会好吗？

有时，寂寞会让人做出很多傻事，

愚蠢了，

是时间就该醒醒，

可能，就像 michael buble 唱那样， just haven't met you yet.

2009-12-17T17:08:00.005+08:00

why the long hiatus?

it was THE eos. don't want to elaborate much on it. it's my worse exam in imu, yet, when i received the results, i was grateful. of the ''P'' printed on the slip. and suprisingly, it was my best eos results eh :D i seriously have the bad feelings that i was going to fail, after all the stupid ''thought inserting'' by someone on the day before results.

but, i was also really really happy with the small A printed beside my ICA for MSK and CNS, the toughest system of all. and this is attributed to the fact that i have the best best best faci for my pbl this semester, dr nkm :)

the card that we made for him ( special thanks to justin! )

then the post eos!

right after the osce briefing, i spent a quality hour with fat queen. it's something that i definitely going to miss , no, actually i am starting to miss the time that we have. it's gonna be at least 2 months or so before we can spend time together like this. pfft. this fat pillar has been really supportive throughout the pre-eos period. the encouraging messages, calls, greentea cookie, etc , or even just a simple hug were really what keeping me strong during that testing period. so yup, thankyou so much hamsapest! :)

beside this fat pillar, i am also really thankful that i have this group of supportive friends. friends who always suan me, some who always being suan-ed by me ( most of the time! :P) and most importantly, friends who always care for one another :) and yes, we have all conquered this battle together.

and it's family time :) i have been lazing around at home for the past few days ( weeks). part of the reason why i didn't update my blog is that i was tooooo lazy to think. to reflect. and sometimes, to feel. it really amazed me ( and my parents too! lol) on the number of hours that i can sleep/hibernate in a day. haha.

but one of the things in my to-do-lists is that : do nothing. yes, to do nothing at all for a few days, maybe for a few weeks. because i know i really need that.

something that paulo coelho wrote, ''someone once compares experience to a kind of huge spider's web suspended in the chamber of consciousness and capable of trapping not only what is necessary, but airborne particle as well. ''

so now, it's time for me to clean this airborne particles.

but i get bored easily. lol..

2009-11-16T08:00:00.005+08:00

sometimes, you need to learn to hold on; and other times, you need to let go.

learn when to hold on, and when to let go.

neither is easy.

''if you think holding on is hard, wait till you try to let go''

for now,

just one more week! i have to hold on. tightly. with my remaining strength.

2009-11-05T20:58:00.005+08:00

one down and another one in 2 weeks time.

and just before my exam, my phone and my laptop crashed one after another. and there goes all the things stored in both of them.

thankfully most of my stuff are in the external hard disk and thus most of the documents in my laptop ( or my brother's one to be exact) are saved. but the sad thing about my phone is that most contacts,messages,pictures that are stored inside are gone too! :(

i have a habit of safe keeping meaningful messages sent to me. these are the messages which often encourage me when i am down, messages which draw a smile on my face, messages which bring back great old memories, messages which are even lamer than SLE disease ( So-Lame-Eh ! lol ) and many many many other messages.

if i am not mistaken, the oldest message in my phone was dated as old as in july 2007. and pooffff, everything is gone. i was upset. that everything is gone just so easily. i didn't have a chance to re-read everything before its gone. i didn't have a chance to save it to somewhere else.

then again, at that moment, i was reminded of something which i once said to xy. her laptop also crashed sometime ago and all the documents including all the pictures were gone all together. and that time, i told her, as the old memories are gone, it's time to CREATE new memories.

i know, i should apply this now. when something is gone, it's gone. the messages may be gone together with the phone, but the memories shall be kept up in my mind. and it's time to create new memories to replace some of the old ones. perhaps it's god's way of telling me that i should forgo all these things and it's time to move on.

i will be leaving bj in 2 weeks+ time. bj,its a place which stored so much memories, just like my phone. sometimes, i wish my brain can function like a phone, where any unwanted item can just be deleted by clicking a button. then again, given that button, i wouldn't delete any of the memory here.

because, i know next time, i will smile when i look back at all these. all these memories, be it happy ones, sad ones are part of who i am.i know one day, i will smile and feel proud of myself for going through all these. one day, that day will come, if i just stay strong and hold tight. one day.

and for now, without all those encouraging messages in my phone that i used to read when i am feeling demotivated during exam periods, i have turned to reading a book. it serves as a gentle reminder on how life can be different if you take it in another way.

besides, on my study table, i have a bottle of hearts. given as my birthday gift this year :) and they are my soure of motivation whenever i am feeling down. ( the only trouble is to fold it back after i read it. lol)

and i want to share something which is in one of the hearts ( unfortunately, a pink-ish-and purplish decorated one, lol)

'' the future is not something to be scared of, take a look at your hands. in future, your hands will save lives, your hands will carry your children, your grandchildren; your hands will hold that of your life partner, your hands will hold what makes you happy. embrace yourself, the best if yet to come :)''

well said and nicely put. thankyou! :)

2009-10-30T18:18:00.004+08:00

bought two books at the mph book fair today. one of which by Paulo Coelho, one of my favourite author now. that's my reward after eos5. yay!

am currently reading a very inspirational book by Richard Carlson, given as a birthday gift by a friend. it's something that i turn to when i feel down as i am studying. it gives me the motivation and strength to continue on.

in the midst of preparing exam, everyone is busy with his/her own studies, including myself. but sometimes, i feel lonely. it's like suddenly your motivation will be sucked away. but there's no one to talk to, because everyone is so busy.

so that's when i turn to books. to music. to exercising. to tv. to swimming. to GREEN TEA ice cream ( this is bad, lol) , to walking at the park. i am learning to be independant, to stand up myself when i fall.

sometimes, all one need is just some encouraging words to hang on. i need to hang on. pffft, my immune system is breaking down. the flu is making me dizzy and drowsy for the past few days. but good thing is , i had enough sleep because of that :)

just one more month. one more month.

please remove my papez circuit for now.

2009-10-28T18:20:00.005+08:00

there's this box at the right hand corner of facebook homepage. it's the suggestion box.

it says:

write on her wall.

i want to. it takes so much courage out of me just to click on her profile. how i wish she can reply. but i know it's impossible.

i'll fight this battle well. and i will fight it on your behalf as well, my dear friend.

simplicity

2009-10-22T15:37:00.007+08:00

i dont't know since when, whenever i have lunch in the cafeteria, i will look at the guy who sells chicken rice at the stall. not that he is good looking or hot (lol) but its that he looks like he is contented with his life ( at least he appears to be) he lead a simple life, and yet he is happy. then i asked myself everytime, do you want to be like that?

many times, the answer is : why not? why bother struggling through this endless route, when you are not happy. but there are times, the answer is , no, because i know i will regret if i settle to anything lesser than what i could have achieve.

but i do envy people who lead a simple life. no worries. no troubles. a friend once shared with me, nowadays, everything is so complicated. everyone can complicate things, but it takes a genius to simplify things.

i read a book, '' A Kite In the Wind'' by Dr Chan Kar Yein not long ago. in that book, she shared bits and pieces about her life, on how she embrace simplicity and travel light in her life. it's not easy to be simple, yet it's not impossible.

i am learning to be simple . i want to be simple. i want a simple life ( selling chicken rice.lol..) but i know i can never be. because then, the person is just not me. but..at least i hope i can be ''simpler'' . having too much baggage, especially emotional baggage is a burden not only to one, but also to the people around you.

''Less is more'' Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

the first step of being simple, is to be grateful with everything that you have. even the small things. and today, i am thankful, not for a small thing, but for one of the treasures in my life. there just isn't any word in the dictionary which i can use to express my gratitude to this person who brought me to the world. she may not be the smartest mom, not the prettiest mom, but to me , she is the most perfect mom that anyone can wish for.

Happy birthday Mom! :)

i know you want me to be happy, and i wish you happiness in everything you do as well.

mooncake festival

2009-10-04T09:39:00.012+08:00

it was mid-autumn festival yesterday.

i was invited to my baby-sitter's place for a dinner. so there i was, having dinner at a round table with my baby-sitter's family. a warm hearted family dinner.and at the sudden moment, i miss home so much, miss having dinner with my family, miss the conversations we had over dinner, miss the dessert/fruit after dinner. i miss the feeling of being part of a family.

but i feel grateful, being invited for the dinner, and they welcome me and treated me like part of the family. they even asked me to stay over and promised to bring me out for a nice breakfast the next day.

it has been long since i kept in contact with my baby-sitter. in fact the last time i saw her was the day before i went to kk. and i can't recalled when i last saw her before that.

she took care of me since i was born, up to 3 years old. i was really close to their family before they moved to kl when i was in primary school. besides taking care of me over the weekdays when my mom is working, they will bring me out on some weekends as they really treated me as part of the family. in fact, i call her 'ah ma' just like how her children call her.

soon after her family moved over to kl, i still send cards or letters to one of her daughters occasionally. but soon we lost contact with each other. and during one of my relatives wedding, my baby sitter attended as well, but i didnt get to meet her because i was at singapore that time.

meeting back them back again after so many years, somehow it's hard for me to reconnect back. it takes time perhaps. but i could feel that my baby sitter still care for me as much as how she cared for her own children.

and i feel blessed. blessed to be loved.

people talk about karma. it is the chair of cause and effect. what we did in the past will affect our present and what we are doing now will affect our future. who we are today will be reflected from the deeds we have done last time. if you do good today, you will be blessed in the future.

The Samyutta Nikaya states:

"According to the seed that’s sown,
So is the fruit you reap there from,
Doer of good will gather good,
Doer of evil, evil reaps,
Down is the seed and thou shalt taste
The fruit thereof."

something which i read in The Star today also triggered me to think that bless because you are blessed. do good, because you are blessed, not because you think that you will be blessed in the future. do good, because you are more fortunate than the least fortunate. do good, with good intentions, without any expectation in return of your actions. because good karma doesn't only mean doing good deeds, but also it's the good deeds with the good and correct motivations.

that day, i attended a talk organised by buddhist society. and the dharma speaker started with by asking us to share one thing that we are grateful of in life. as other people are giving their answers, many things came into my mind. and at that moment, i realised i am blessed with many things in life, things which i have always taken for granted.

Bless because you are blessed. and i believe that everyone is blessed in one way or another. it's a matter of whether you realise it, AND appreciate it or not.

someone asked me about buddhism the other day. and i am ashamed to say that i don't know much about my own religion. so now i have another thing to do post-eos, to take some time off to learn more about buddhism.

i always believe that everything happened for a reason. and something that happened on friday made me believe that sometimes, everything is really fated.

fate. do you believe in that? or do you believe that you have the power to change it?

wake me up when sept ends

2009-09-27T07:51:00.001+08:00

currently listening: wake me up when september ends - greenday.

october is coming. it's scary , isnt it? that time passed so fast. some friends have actually asked what do i want for my birthday this year.

there's only one simple answer to this question, i want to be happy, to be how kairou used to be.

when was the last time i really feel happy? that was on the speedboat at kk, when queen was sitting beside me, and she turned and asked, how are you feeling? deep in my heart, i felt happy that time, if i can disregard the fear of coming back to uni.

msk is over. and soon ( tmr!!!) we will be starting cns, the last system. and again, the fear is back, after one week of break.

i know, soon all these will be over. but before that, there's one major giant that i need to overcome first. but the motivation is still not there. yesterday while i was sitting in the library, i looked around, everybody else is studying so hard. and i asked myself, shouldn't you be like them too? yes, i want to be like them too. at least, that's what i should be doing.

'' a feeling greater possessions, no matter of what kind they may be, will themselves bring contentment or happiness, is a misunderstanding. no person, place or thing can give you happines. they may give you cause of happiness and a feeling of contentment, but the Joy Of Living comes from within.'' Genevieve Behrend : The Secret

song of the month: october skies

Autumn brings a song I sing so desperately
These shattered dreams
October skies and city lights were all a blur
And high tide came washing them away
I said

september sky

life

2009-09-25T10:55:00.006+08:00

spend a great ( not so productive ) raya weekend back in hometown + went for a 3 days trip at awana kijal, terengganu. it felt different to be there again. i can't explain what is the difference.

anyway, my relatives were there too. thus, bye bye to my study plan! was trying sooo hard to focus with the background of them playing/chatting away. but, some interesting observations which i noticed. there's really a big difference in the content of the conversations between adults and children.

adulthood: my parents and auntie uncle were talking about how to earn a better living, so as to better enjoy life and to prepare for a good retirement, and also to provide a better life to their offsprings.

children's world: my cousins were arguing away about some cartoons/ songs/ anything that they can argued under the sun. they were practically enjoying their life, without much worries.

not-so-adult-yet-not-so-children's world: i think i am classified in this category. recalling the conversations which i shared with my friends, i think we were talking about life most of the time. the purpose of life to be precise. maybe as we step into adulthood, we will gain a better understanding Of life. or maybe not. perhaps that time we will be too busy worrying about earning a living than understanding life. or perhaps human's mind function differently at different age.

haish. i think i failed to bring across the point that i wanted to point out. my brain is back there in my hometown. anyway, i guess, the important thing is to accept whatever that life has prepared for us with an open heart.

dying is not painful ( i am not so sure about this though ) ; but not living is worse!

oh, before i forget, there's one other conversation/monologue which i forget to mention.

baby's world: ee yek ta akkk moommomm.. translated as: i duwan to grow up! =P

joey and me ( sounds like marley and me . lol )

2009-09-14T21:20:00.002+08:00

after 4 days 3 nights of report rushing, with only average of 3-4 hours sleep per night, i finally handed in the 60papes report today. didn't even know how i survived it, probably with yc's constant bugging (lol), and also with the-best-in-vista-and-some-say-bukit-jalil's-roti-pisang bought by hoay.wohoo.

joke of the day, i was too tired and took a nap right when i reached home. sooon when i woke up ( at 6pm EVENING) i went to the toilet and brush my teeth. who in the world brush teeth at that time of the day! haha =P anddd..the worse thing is, this is not the first time.lol.

lesson of the day, ignorance is really a bliss sometimes. the more you know, the more you are afraid to find out.

craving of the day, mom's home cooked curry fish head. slurpp! 5 more days! yay!

blessings of the day, had a good sleep last night and this afternoon after soooo long.

2009-09-13T19:16:00.004+08:00

it has been a taxing week. rushing report, and at the same time trying to finish up the piled up notes. despite of the tiredness, every night i have the same problem. i think the sheep is bored of seeing me every night already. should try counting chicken or duck tonight.

'' catch myself
from despair
i could drown
if i stay here
keeping busy everyday
i know i will be
ok''
Gabrielle: out of reach

i am tired. really tired now. too tired to feel anything. it's less than one month. as the day draws closer, my fear is getting more and more.

but i have been pretty much occupied with things, things that i should be doing. i miss the feeling of being satisfied with myself, satisfied with whatever that i have accomplished.

and for the first time after sooooo long, i feel satisfied yesterday. i felt happy putting the fertilisers under the hot sun. felt happy weeding the plants. felt happy talking to the people at the home. because, at least i know i am useful. i know i can't help everyone out there. i know i can't make much difference in the society. but at least, i try my best to make a difference to people whom i come into contact with.

i read this from a book yesterday.
''what you focus on EXPANDS, when you let go of problems, they let go of you.''
~andrew matthews

let go.

on a random note, i found some random pictures =P

mom, bro, and myself -2mths old

convo magazine pic!

at least now i know the rice that i have eaten all these years are not wasted. i have changed so much, physically and mentally. i miss the times when i was young, naive and ignorant. when i look at my niece now, i realised there are things which i can learn from her. children are genuine. they show their feelings.

they smile, only when they really want to. and they don't need much to smile. they can smile at anything naturally. when i look at my niece, i smile, and that's the most sincere smile that i can put on, without much effort. it's sad that it needs a lot of effort to even smile now.
children cry. they dare to cry when they feel unhappy, anytime, infront of anyone. they express themselves freely , and to them, it's absolutely alright to do so. it's sad that it needs a lot of courage to cry infront of someone now, that you have to pretend to be strong all the time.

pfft. i don't want to grow old.

happy birthday px and leanne!

2009-09-07T13:46:00.003+08:00

made this video for px's 21st birthday. really thankyou to those that put in effort to record the video . glad to hear from you guys from different parts of the world :)

happy birthday ah pox!

anddd not forgetting, happy birthday too, my LIANA :) :) :)

2009-09-06T00:45:00.005+08:00

it's worse when

it doesn't matter anymore

or

it matters, but i don't care

or

i care, but i didnt want to let myself to feel anything.

it's scary how time flies and tick away just like that. but, i don't care. i am letting every second to slip out of my fingers just like that.

it's really funny how different things are, and how fast they can change without you realising it. but i don't care.

it's sad when..i stood at the balcony looking at the bright moon , dark sky with twinkling stars, but i don't feel anything anymore.

i know i am letting down people who cares.i am sorry. but i can't help it. now.

as you make a decision, you gain something, and lose something. i hope i am not losing myself as i take this step.

calling

2009-09-02T20:50:00.000+08:00

calling.

infront of my study table, there's something that i wrote to motivate myself to keep going. it has been there for the past 1year+

there are two types of pain, pain of disciplining yourself or pain of regretting. it kept me going and going whenever i feel like stopping, because i chose to suffer the pain of disciplining over the pain of regretting.

then today, a friend of mine shared a quote with me.

'' self discipline without a goal is just equivalent to self punishment.''

well said!

and it kept me thinking for awhile. what's my goal? which reminds me of something that i read yesterday.

http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2009/8/31/lifefocus/4594116&sec=lifefocus

hmmm. hmmm. hmmm.

pain

2009-09-01T19:22:00.003+08:00

pain.

i went running the other day, after so long. it felt sooooooo GOOD to sweat once again. the satisfaction was just great :D but then again, my ankle pain greeted me again after barely 15mins or so of running. but i feel happy.

but, next day, i went running again, despite of the pain. this time to the park that i really miss. i felt the same after running. happy. pain.

it's funny, isn't it? that we allow ourselves to suffer with the pain again and again, just for that transient moment of happiness. we know we are going to fall down if we step on the ground . yet, we chose to go ahead. and came back with wounds everywhere. again and again. irony.

'' as time passes, you will long less for what you had yesterday and experience more of what you have today''

~ letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb

i am learning to appreciate what i have now. slowly.

and today, when i was running in the gym, i look at the mirror in front of me. i look at every step that i've taken. i look at my leg movement. i look at my ankle. i look at the sweats. i feel the pain. but ignoring the pain, i continue. because i believe i will reach my target soon. sometime. some day.

'' when i am in a dark tunnel, i want to be with people who love me enough to sit in the darkness with me and not stand outside telling me how to get out''
~ letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb

so yep, thankyou again, just for your mere presence :)

Bad england

2009-08-30T15:26:00.004+08:00

Bad england/chingland :P :P :P i shall dedicate this post to miss good england.lol.

more at : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/talking_point/8220166.stm

which reminds me of a good example of bad england:

time: night
place: somewhere in kkb in yc's car
people involved: yc, me and miss good england

as the car stopped infront of the restaurant,

miss good england: yc ar, how do i EJECT MYSELF ar?
yc,myself: LONG PAUSE... ERRRR...
.....burst out laughing. hahahahaahaa

she meant how do i unbuckle the seat belt. lol. CD player mer...''eject''...hahahaa. sorry, miss good england. just thought it was funny :P dun worry, identity will not be disclosed to jaga your face. lol.

was webcaming with hamsap mus today to check out the fat cat that he cat-sit. that was when i realised it has been so long since i last use my webcam.
it has been so long.

sometimes, i don't understand myself. so please don't bother to.

anyway,
thank you, you, you and you :)

2009-08-25T22:04:00.008+08:00

Sun

actually i am now supposed to be studying how reduced of sunlight exposure which lead to vit D deficiency,will cause osteomalacia. but i got distracted and attempted to edit a nice sunset picture taken at sutera harbour, kk.so here it goes.

May there be just enough clouds in your life to create a GLORIOUS SUNSET :)

i realised, i love msia more and more because of a simple reason, it's because of the sun :) lol. that's something that i found out after mount k trip. i can't live without sun. not because i want to prevent osteomalacia. lol. it's because i really enjoy the warmth of the sun. it feels good to be wrapped under the sun :)

joke of the day:
Q: what's the most common bone disease in malaysia?
A: osteomalacia !! lol.

2009-08-25T19:47:00.003+08:00

Purpose

continuing from my previous post, isn't it a coincidence that imu is asking the pms students to write a narrative about their future plans when i was typing that last time. i guess, if i were asked to write that, i will really have a hard time coming up with something. this probably applies to most people.

what do i plan to do next? why do i want to do that?

i recalled asking myself why am i doing all these now? why am i here? what do i hope to achieve at the end of the day? why am i here in the world?

what is the ultimate purpose of life?

the answer will differ from person to person. the other day, i was looking through some facebook group set up in memory of a person who just passed away. there are just so many positive comments/messages left on the page. the person happened to collapse after his half marathon, and the coincidence is that he is of my age. at that moment, i just wondered, what would people write to/about me if the person is me? have i achieved anything in life that is worth mentioning? have i touched anyone's life in this 22 years? to me, it's like a report card, and all the people around you will be writing on that account of what you have done in your life.

the other day when i was at relayforlife, i saw a very meaningful message on a board. normally there's the date of birth and the date of death on a tomb.eg: (19.2.1930 - 20.7-1999) and what matters most is not the two dates, but it is the ''dash ( - ) " in between the two dates. this dash in between the day we are born and the last day of life represents the days we spent on earth, the things we have done in life, good or bad. how will my dash be next time? i hope it will be a good straight nice dash in between the two dates.

i don't know what are the answers for all the questions above. but one thing for sure is that i promise myself i will not make existence on this world wasted, i want to make a difference, at least to the people around me especially my parents. i know they have high expectations on me and the last thing i want is to dissappoint them.

i cant predict where i will be next time. i can't predict what i will be doing. i can't be sure whether i will be by their sides. but i will try my very best to make a difference in their life :)

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

i hope i am a gift to them :) which reminds me, time to call home!

2009-08-24T20:40:00.005+08:00

Last weekend, i went to klang to visit my grandma and auntie. usual things that my relatives will ask since the day i entered imu are:

*what's imu ar? (lol! )
*when are u graduating?
*how many more years do you need to study?
*is studying medicine really that stressful?
*what do you plan to specialise in?

and of course, this time my auntie asked me the same questions again. and as a polite girl, i answered the questions patiently eventhough i have repeated it like n times already.

then while i was happily watching tv there, my auntie bombarded me some medically related questions. it's about her foot which is swollen occasionally, and i went ahead and press to check if its pitting or non pitting. she also complains of joint pain at the knee, which the doctor suspected of her having gouty arthritis. she was asking me how did the edema happen and how to prevent that from happening?

at that moment, i just stone there, trying to explain the different causes of edema in mandarin but i just couldnt find the correct words/terms. i thought i know the answer. but at that point, i just couldn't explain it out to a non-medical person. then how can i say that i have understood the concept? no way!

as albert eisntein has put it, ''If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.'' if i can't even explain such a simple thing to someone, then how can i say i have mastered whatever knowledge that i learnt all this while? oh man!

and last week was our seniors' graduation. i can't believe that in half a year time i will be graduating from imu bukit jalil before i continue on to clinical school. and in three years time i will be graduating from clinical school, which is when i have to put aside the protective shelter of a medical student and start to bear responsibilities as a doctor.

people around me are cracking their brain to choose the pms to continue for their clinical years. sometimes i really admire those who are so sure of what they want, so sure of their plans after graduating ; while i look at myself, unsure of anything at all, no plans after graduating and just choose to follow where the winds will bring me to.

''people take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.''

—

sigh. am i thinking too much again?!

moment

2009-08-16T20:44:00.003+08:00

live the moment.

can we measure how much a person thinks? is there a measuring tape sort of thing to gauge whether a person is thinking too much? one of my friends always said i think too much. do i? the answer is probably yes if compared to the me last time. so yup, i will try to think less from now onwards. sometimes, i wish that i could care and worry less.

''memories were fine, but you couldn’t touch them, smell them, or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment had been, and they faded with time. ''
~PS i love you~

i should just live the moment and stop complaining about what i ''used to have''.

Run

2009-08-14T17:33:00.008+08:00

run run run.

i miss running.
just in the previous post, i said that i will stop running for at least a month until my ankle is fully recovered.
and now i miss running.
i have the ''kaki gatal'' feelings and really just feel like taking my shoes and go to the park and run.
but i didn't.
i used to be stubborn and continue running despite of my ankle injury.
thus all the sufferings during the mount k hike.
i learnt my lessons.
so i will be patient, at least a month until it is less painful.

i think 4 years ago, i wouldn't imagine myself saying this : i miss running. in fact, that time i hated running a lot, especially the 2.4km in napha. blah, out of the 6 stations, i hated this a lot. you will see me complaining if there's PE on that day, because it will mean another 2.4km running. when did i start to love running? i think it's after i entered imu, where there's a very nice park nearby, plus the fact that i do not have much entertainment, i slowly pick up running.

i love the feeling of inhaling the fresh air in the park after a whole day of nerding in the room,of fresh air brushing through my hair. it reminds me of the beauty of nature and surroudings.

i love the view of beautiful sunrise when pull myself out of bed to run in the mornings ; of the view of beautiful sunset when i run in the evenings. it reminds me how i should start and end my days with a sunshine-like smile.

i love the sight of old people playing tai ji, of small children cycling in the park.it reminds me that i am not alone.

i love the feeling of feelining my heartbeats, of listening to my breathsounds. it reminds me that i am still alive.

from running 1 round , 2 rounds, 3 rounds, i have slowly built up stamina and took part in a few distance runnings.

Orange Run 08
9km
My first long distance run, but i didnt really take it seriously as half of the time we were busy taking pictures :P

Klang pacers' 12 oct 08
12km
The first run that i have taken seriously.

UPM charity run March 09
5km
i was one of the top 25 !! :)

Klang pacers' half marathon June 09
21.9 KM
my first half marathon !

this is not the end of my running journey. i will never stop running. i think only fellow runners will understand why do one runs. they are those people who gone through consistent trainings, people who put themselves through the sweats and pain, BUT deep down inside, know how GREAT it feels.

my old running shoe which has accompanied for easily a 100km. thankyou for the journey and may you rest in peace :)

the underutilized new shoe. the baton has been passed on to you and don't worry, i will be bringing you out to the park very often, SOON.

One thing that i learnt from running is that, you will never know what is your best, as you continue trying, each time, you will be surprised at the results, that you have improved each time. that's the reward. it has proved to me that i am able to do something that i have never imagined myself doing.

"Ask yourself: 'Can I give more?'. The answer is usually: 'Yes'."
-Paul Tergat, Kenyan professional marathoner

and with each step i take, one step, two steps, small or big steps, i know, deep down, i will reach the finishing line. and at the end of the day, i can say: i made it! and at that moment, you will realise, it's hard, but it's not impossible :) i know, i can make it too this time!

P/s: i have a date with someone to complete a full 42km marathon when we are 42 years old. and i know we can do it :)

Back!

2009-08-11T12:39:00.008+08:00

i am back from KK :)

and thus celebrating the last part of P21KK -- prom, 21km, and our mount K hike.

it's a transition, something that i will remember deep in my heart, i would not say its a good one, but it's a transition that i've learnt a lot. and of course thanks to the GREAT company :)

the pics for kk that i have compiled ( pardon me for having so many of my pics in the album, coz i compiled it for my parents to see :) )

KK

and the journey of P21kk that queen has compiled :)

P21KK

some random things:

i've watched 3 movies in less than a month time, which is like more than the number of movies that i have watched last year.

Transformer: megan fox is hot wei! i know i am supposed to transformed after the movie, but sorry, i guess i am slow in things, but as i always put it, slowly but surely.
The proposal: we watched it in KK Growball cineplex ( what a name !! ) just because we have nothing to do. a-not-too-bad comedy , but never sit beside someone that laugh so loud to the extent that it will embarass you :P
Harry potter: i was once a potter fan, but during this 6th movie, i was trying hard to remember the story line throughout the movie. it's about time to read the series again!

i am going to stop running for a month, at least, to rest my poor ankle.

i feel grateful, really really grateful for the friends that i have.

and last nite, i feel really happy for something. it's not that hard afterall.

as queen put it, it's about time. and yes, i know it too. thanks for whatever that you have done for me up at the peak of mount K :)

i wanted to type out what we did in sabah, but i guess it's good up in my memory.i am starting to miss sabah already, to the extent that i dream of it two days ago. haha. or at least i miss the good times we had there.

awesome sunset that we saw on our way back from mount K.
i miss the sunset, and the people that i shared it with :)
quoting queen:the sun doesnt blind you, only makes things clearer. i think i am clear now.

Fear

2009-07-10T09:27:00.006+08:00

today will be the last time at home, before i pack and return to kl. when i was eating breakfast with my dad this morning, on the way back, my tears just kept flowing at the thought of this, that i will be leaving my home soon.

there's this fear. fear of going back to vista, fear of going back uni, fear of going back to my routine. 3weeks being away from this was a good one, to keep myself from all the familiar things, familiar surroundings, familiar people. i know when i got back, memories will unfold, reminding me everything that once took place, and they are gone now. i am afraid that i will in the same state, same position again, as how i was 3 weeks ago. perhaps, everything will look the same, but how i feel will be very different now.

then again, i don't know if i am afraid that everything will be the same again, or i am afraid that everything will change.

this is going to be my last semester here in bukit jalil before i move to seremban for phase2, and it's going to be the last 6 months before most of my close friends are moving on to PMS for their phase2. i know i shouldn't be feeling this way now, i should be happy that i am going back, seeing all of them, and try my best to treasure the remaining the last 6 months together.

but i am scared. really scared. can i choose not to go back, mom? pls. i have lost the courage to say, i will try again tomorrow. the fear is conquering instead.

nataliedee.com

somebody please show me the light.

i am just a piece of glass pretending to be plastic. i break, i crumble..just cause i am not as strong as i have pretended to be.

what happened to all the positiveness?

random

2009-07-07T23:51:00.004+08:00

i was looking through my artwork today because i was too bored at home. guess what i found? i found some unfinished artwork that i draw when i was in primary school. funny it may seem because my family hasnt been to sarawak together. don't know where did that idea come from. anyway, i wasnt much an arts person ( so, please don't laugh at the following piece of work :P ) , i barely pass my arts with the help of my brother. he used to sketch something for me before the exam day and i will just re-draw it next day based on my memory. haha.smart eh :P

then i found something else! haha. some unfinished artwork by kahhwee :P she was attempting to sketch a portrait of me but it is half done. quite nicely done i would say :)

which reminds me of another portrait that i have. after searching up and down in my room then i found it. my mouth looks slightly big here laaa :P but thank you, vin :)

and i found another piece of my work, my calligraphy handwritings. which reminds me how much i miss calligraphy. the last time i practise calligraphy was before some competition in singapore. i doubt i can even hold the brush in a correct way now. sigh.

looking through all these things made me realise how much i have changed over the years.

things changed. people changed. i changed. and you changed

post note: after kk, hamsap mus did a sketch on us, and here it goes , i love it :)
the reason why i was sketched as such is that i wore 7 layers when i was hiking up the peak. thus i look like a big fat aunty wei :P

Down south again

2009-07-04T09:59:00.008+08:00

i went down to singapore again last weekend.

it's been so long since i last saw so many people walking so fast, rushing to somewhere. it's like i am the only slow one there. and, that's when i realised my life has been snail pace back here.

it's been so long since i last saw someone stealing a minute to read while commuting on the train. and, that's when i realised i haven't been reading a book for pleasure for so long, and so long since i have gone through a book at a single sitting. even when hoay borrowed me a book which i have been wanting to read after summative, i just didnt have the motivation to pick it up and read.

it's been so long since i walked around the city by myself. not being afraid that i might get kidnapped/raped any moment. and, that's when i realised how much i miss being alone.

anywayyyy, i enjoyed the trip very much despite of the fact that i am now still down with flu, cough and sorethroat (ahini alert!)

places that i have visited:
tampines-nest of hamsapest :P
southern ridges of singapore
singapore flyer
bugis
chinatown
kh's room :P

FOOD FOOD FOOOOD:
bak chor mee ( i still miss the one in SA)
ah ball-ing (green tea rocks!)
dao suan
BUBBBBLLEEEE TEAAAA ( i drank a total of 6 cups in 3 days :P)
cafe cartel
long john silver
shi lin fried chicken
mos burger's frozen strawberry and milk tea

some nice egg tart from tampines mall

a hamsap welcome gift :)henderson wavessg flyeroh man, i love the sunset :)

meeting up with sinlen

and not forgetting, HAPPPPPY BIRTHDAY MISS GAN! :) do wear the tshirt whenever u feel down or stressed. hope it will really cheer you up when necessary.THANK YOU once again for everything :)

''you can miss someone more than you can ever love the person.'' i read this from somewhere the other day. there's this feelings of missing as i visit many places in sgp. somehow, it brought back lots of good old memories that i will smile when i thought of them.
it's different from another feeling of missing, the feeling of missing that made my heart aches whenever i thought of it. maybe, the only difference between this two situations is time. give time, time.maybe more time this time.
it's stupid, but there's this fear of not being missed in me. i miss.

falling. failing. and learning.

2009-06-21T20:07:00.005+08:00

falling . failing .

they are inevitable in life.

it's how and what we learn from it that matters.

stand up.

i know i have to stand up myself.

it's been two weeks, my ankle still hurts when i go running today.

i guess, just like the heart, it takes longer to heal.

i read from a book, our body have all it needs to heal. oxygen, nutrients, water.

the healing process will take place automatically.

i know i am/was stupid.

i am exhausted.

of crying over my own stupidity.

i hope i can laugh at my own stupidity. soon.

learning. after falling. failing. so many times.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

i started eating meat on thursday after a month of vegetarian diet. i guess it's not really hard to refrain from eating meat, not much of discipline needed, since i am not a ''food'' person as people called it. and thankfully, my prayers work :)

and now, i am going to refrain myself from going to facebook for the next 3 weeks. it's just the first day, but it's so hard. it's really torturous to not click on that webpage. i think, it's not easy to get detached from something, or someone. but i will try. that i promise myself.

why am i putting myself through all these? of not eating meat, of not doing things that i want to? i guess, sometimes in life, we ought to learn to look at the bigger picture. if there are sacrifices to be made, for ourselves, or for other people, we have to do it. for good.

Decision

2009-06-15T19:23:00.003+08:00

Oncology selective is coming to an end soon, today when i was doing the evaluation form for the lecturers, i realised something. that is, i have learnt to accept people's flaws and try to look at their positive sides. take for example my lecturer whom i used to dislike a lot because of his long winded-ness at the start of the selective. but now, i have realised that he is really a very dedicated lecturer, whom put in so much effort into making this onco selective a really good one. i think now i can even smile and listen attentively to him when he is giving us REALLY long lectures :P but all in all, i really enjoyed this selective. kudos to both the coordinators:)

when we were at HUKM last week, one of our coordinators shared her medical experiences with us. she said she chose to quit working in hospital becauase it involves many decision makings. take for example( a very common question asked in interview as well ), there are limited number of ventilators in a hospital, and assuming all the ventilators are in used, except for one...and that there are two patients who need the ventilator for life support for the moment, one being 70years old with kidney failure, and the other one 20 years old, healthy young teenager. who should we give the ventilator to? the young or the old patient?

most of the time, we have to make this decision. but who are we to decide who is to take the ventilator, who are we to decide another individual's life (or death) ? we have no rights! we have no rights to make the decision for other people when we can't even make the right decision for ourselves sometimes.

i know i can't now.

the room is dark and quiet.
there's a silent cry.
the heart is crying.
eyes-sunken
skin-pallor
pulse-absent
respirations-absent
pupils-fixed and dilated

i hope that everything can come to a closure.
soon.
slowly but surely.

hamsap! :)

2009-06-05T16:38:00.002+08:00

i shall declare today as world HAMSAP day, because it is our hamsapest birthday! happy 21st birthday again lay queen! thank you for adding all the hamsapness in my world. like you said in the email, i duno how we got here, but one thing for sure, i am really really grateful for having to get here, crossing path with you, slowly getting to know you more, and having you as one of my closest friend :)

we are going for our first half marathon together this weekend, 21km for 21 years old. yes, the same reason as why you are running, i am running this race because i want to achieve something. and i will take this journey of 21km as a journey to reminiscence on the things that i have achieved in this 21years of my life, and hopefully, i can add on to the list if i managed to finish the race within 3 hours! i know my ankle is hurting, i know the stupid mestrual cycle is annoying, but i will still continue on with the race, as i have promised :)

i wish you the best for everything, and many many many happy returns for the many years to come :)

" and in this year, we will be celebrating adulthood, in it's fullness instead of the conclusion of your teenage years which will never come back. trust it's an end without lingering regrets. And so you have this one 'transition' year ahead of you (if i can call it that). i wish you a fulfilling transition. "

i wish that u had a great transition! :)

Thank YOU once again, my hamsapest :)

post note:

21km: DONE :)M207:)

we have completed our first half marathon within the qualifying time, queen with 2hours58mins and myself 3 hours and 4 seconds :):):) we were very lucky to meet a few veteran runners who gave us lots of encouragement throughout the journey. something that i remember from one of the runners, he said, forget about the timing, forget about the distance, just enjoy your first half marathon. as he put it, there's no refund if we make it before 3 hours, so we should fully utilise the 3 hours given. and i really did enjoy the run, despite of the ankle injury.my hamapest running partner:)

my ankle still hurts, but do you know, my heart aches even more.

belated mother's day:)

2009-05-23T22:20:00.005+08:00

life of a woman is greatly changed when an egg is conceived in her body. not only there are many physical changes and adaptations for this new life, she also has to bear many new responsibilities.

http://clovetwo.com/articles/story.asp?file=/2009/5/13/reallives/20090513084722&sec=reallives

i like the last line of this article especially :)

''There is no way we can ever repay the debt to the women who gave us life; we will never be "even" with our moms. So every day should be a new day to appreciate, love, care for and devote ourselves to making our mothers' lives great today and even better tomorrow.''

something i saw at a vegetarian restaurant recently, the quote says, there are two things that u should not wait or delay in this world, first one is filial piety, the other one is charity. very true indeed. and i believe, both are equally important, as the fundamental charity starts at home, as my friend pointed out once.

i am eating vegetarian food for at least the next 2 weeks.

i pray. i hope. i wish.

for one thing. for the best. for you i shall be strong :)

and i am learning to take up many many responsibilities that i have never imagined. learning slowly, but surely:)

happy mothers' day to all the mothers.

The little things :)

2009-05-18T20:08:00.009+08:00

The little things that made me smile :) day in day out, people are busy with their own lives, neglecting small little things in life. its amazing how these small gestures can touch one's heart :) THANK YOU

jeannie

queen le minxinying wheiying leanne

lucky stars from queen which are now stuck at my study table :Praymun my roomie!all these happened because love never fails :) you guys are one of the blessings in my life.
thankYOU :)