happy new year:)

spent my new year eve typing case summary for obs. and the comment from lecturer was :)) it feels great when your effort is paid off. but i believe there is always room for improvement. will try to do better next week/year ;p

last day of the year, listening to the new year speech by our dear prime minister, i dont feel lonely at all, even though i have all by myself today.

it has been a great year, many ups and downs, but i know they are all there so that i could be a better person. i know i always complain. but i thank god for whatever that happened.

2010 brought many great experiences. i believe 2011 will promise more.

quoting from a book, ' when you are in hell, find a bus stop and sit down. we wait for the bus, we know its coming, but we don't know when. whether its stormy or sunny day, whether you are in hurry or not, you still gotta wait. it comes when it comes'

i just have to constantly remind myself that bad days will pass, so will good days.

anyway, happy new year! may 2011 bring us happiness, health and much love :)

busy bee

busy beee. obs has been really crazy. with average of 4-5 hours of sleep everyday, everyone is like zombie. labour room was great. but i told myself i will never have normal spontaneous vaginal delivery after assisting a few. i feel the pain for the mother in labour. with every contraction, the mothers cry in pain. but i also shared the joy of every mother as the baby's head pops out. as the baby cry, everyone smiles :)

one thing about obstetrics, whatever that happened during the pregnancy or labour, the baby will be born alive most of the time. so it will most likely be a happy ending :) but the workload is crazy. student rounds every morning infront of houseman and mo are just nerve wrecking.

i am thankful for the weekend christmas break, eventhough its just 2 days. felt much charged and much loved :) today is the first day i finally get to sit infront of my comp and slack slightly.

a month more to EOS. i duno how am i going to go through it. but i know it will be over in no time. gotta add oil!

side note, i spoke to a senior after so long. still as inspiring as ever. one thing which he mentioned stuck me, he said our character should always improve and develop. so true. but so hard. he reminded me that there's a life beside being a medical student. other roles which we have in life. a point which i almost forgot.

christmas

christmas is in a week's time. not that i celebrate this over commercialised day, its just everybody else celebrates it.

bought a non medical book today, after so long. realised that i need something else in my life besides medicine. which is quite hard, because i don't even have enough time for medicine. Learning from the Heart, by Daniel Gottlieb, the same author as Letters to Sam, a book which inspired me so much. gonna read it before obstetrics start, before the war begins.

just got over paeds. cant say i love it, but its not as bad as what i have imagined. kids can be really annoying when they are ill, just like adult, lol.. but they are really cute when they are well. its funny to see the way they talk, they way they think. reminds me a lot of my niece:) exam was okay, wasted all my adrenaline panicking the night before. but i am glad that it is over.

i have been a good girl this year. will santa send me what i want? i duwan anything much.

all i want for christmas is you.

merry christmas :)

bye mr black :(

it was a tragic week. my stethoscope took its last breath. huhu. while following the ward round, the doctor was commenting that particular patient has THE classic sign of a disease, so i went there and auscultate the patient. and i heard nothing. after trying on my friends many many times, i finally gave up and certify its death :( cause of death: idiopathic/trauma/infection. heh.

my first stethoscope, accompanied me for 3 years+. from the noob that didnt even know which side to put in, to being able to recognize murmur in patients, it has served me well.

and thankfully, my gp told me that he has one brand new extra stethoscope! and he gave that to me :D that saves me pocket from a hole. sometimes, you just gotta be thankful with what u have.and i am.

my old black stethoscope, and meet the new Mr grey :)

its december already. time really flies. means exam is one step closer as well. research is on the run too. cracked my head trying to key in the data. paeds is ending soon too. so fast so fast so fast. and my immune system is failing me too. i have been getting sick every posting since psy, ortho, and now paeds. at the rate that i am falling sick, i will acquire all the antibodies and antiviral by the time i graduate wei! ;p

care

so true. i feel, we always tend to hurt the people who care for us.

i need more strength

got back ortho and psy results ytd. i got my first A in clinical school, and also first failure in my medical school.zzz. still can't believe i failed the ortho paper. and still can't believe i got A for the ortho clinical exam. irony. anyway, i am thankful that i didn't fail both the paper and clinical, considering i have such a horrible posting with so much distractions.

went back to the ward on a friday nite. paeds ward was quiet. so we got a chance to speak to the houseman who is oncalling. when asked how's the life of a houseman, she said, the worst day as a medical student is nothing comparable to a day as a houseman.

responsibilities, scoldings, are what you get everyday. you will feel stupid everyday. you will wonder what you actually learn in the 5 years of medical school. you try very hard everyday, but its never enough. thats what she said.

i remember i saw a specialist scolding a houseman, and infront of everyone, her tears rolled down. at that moment, i told myself, i should never never be like that. i must train my crying tolerance level so that i won't cry so easily.

and despite the increasing number of houseman, the workload is still a lot. just yesterday, a houseman was involved in accident after oncalling because it was just so tiring.


huhu. i am scared. i am not sure if i have the mental ( and physical) strength to go through all this.

but at the end of the conversation, she told us, whatever happened, just tell yourselves, never never give up.

yes, i have to keep telling myself, never never give up!

man vs machine

today, during our class, we were discussing murmurs found in child, which most likely due to congenital heart disease. the lecturer asked what should we know as a medical student/future doctor? to know there IS a murmur, or to recognise what is it? his answer was, we are only required to know if there there IS a murmur, coz everything after that will be answered by a machine called echocardiogram.

last time, when there wasn't echo, doctors are expected to come out with diagnosis and management just by using stethoscope. things has changed huh? i wonder will it be a day that clinical skills are no longer important anymore, and everything is replaced by robotic machine, they can make the diagnosis, they can manage the patient.

what is different of us and machine is that we have clinical skills to recognise different signs, which a machine could not do, the rest can be done by a machine. anyone can just google their symptoms online and get the management plan easily. but, with more and more medical schools mushrooming here in msia, i wonder if we will get enough training for our clinical skills. if we are competent next time. if we can do better than what a machine does.

but i do hope i can work like a machine now. recharge by plugging in and can work once fully charged. i am so tired already. zzz. 10 weeks to EOS. ohman! howtostudy7postingsalltogether.to handle the current posting is tough already, to revise the past postings are insane.

machines are good because they have no feelings. they are not emotionally attached to anyone.

but when they could not take it, they break down.

i really really hope things can end up in different way :(

its the kids!

yep, i am now in paeds! bye bye to bones, and here come the kids. first day in the paeds ward just made me miss my niece more. i am going to head down and meet her this weekend :)

just finished ortho and psy exam last week, rushed back to kuantan, not to rest, but to rush my 5case summaries. i remember seniors telling me during my phase1, semester5 is like walking in the park, and clinical sch is like running up mount k. to walk up to mount k is tough enough, i couldn't imagine running up. but i undstn how it feels now. i barely have time to breath before the new posting starts. and i foresee things will just keep coming and coming till feb next year.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i want to go up to a mountain and scream my heart out. but i don't even have any energy left to climb up. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i feel like going home again, eventhough i just went home over the weekend. i miss my parents. and the warmth at home. and most importantly, i dread coming back to my room, driving my car, passing by seremban town, coz it reminds me of somebody. blah.

i thought things could be better. but i was wrong :(

晴天雨天

下了好多场雨， 几时是天晴呢？

zzz

i have been having hypersomnia recently, which is like excessive daytime sleepiness everyday. sleep sleep sleep! i hope i can sleep all day long, but this is not possible. bah.

switched to female ortho ward this week. a pretty young girl in the ward caught everyone's attention. later then we know she was involved in the 101010 accident. the one who survived miraculously despite being crushed under the bus. she had a spine injury and it may be irreversible. and she is only 20 years old.

i don't know if its because of nn that made me feel this way for the girl. is it better to be like nn or to survive like this girl? what can she do now? what can she do for her future? it is heart wrenching to see her lying on the bed, and look up to ceiling hopelessly everyday.

she is one of the beds i am supposed to clerk. but i just didnt have the courage to talk to her. wanted to console her, motivate her, encourage her. but i just didnt do that. because i know i will be feeling far worse if i am in her shoes. she is stronger than me already.

when i look at her everyday, i asked myself, who I am to complain? I have no rights at all to complain.

for the very least, i can still walk.

balance

today, i went to Mcd in seremban parade. i sat there for 2 hours alone. observing the passerby-s - old people, young people, kids, teenagers, couples, families. it was such a strange feeling. i felt that i don't belong there. perhaps i was too indulged in studies, in hospital life, that i haven't been in touch with the real world out there.

lol. the kids remind me of my niece.

i kept asking myself, is it worth it to sacrifice so much to be a doctor, or more precise, to be a competent doctor? how much litres of tears, how much kgs of loneliness till the day i can actually achieve what i want.

should the heart listen to the brain or the brain should listen to the heart? being rational and disciplined can be so painful.

its saturday night. the song issues by The saturdays is just how i feel now.

'There's a part of me that won't let you go
Keep saying yes while my minds saying no
Me and my heart we got issues
Don't know if I should hate you or miss you'

But i know what i should do now from your reply.

brrrr~

the weather is like my mood now. brr. cold and moody. huuuuhuuuu. it has been raining like almost everyday now. and i haven't been running for ages, like almost a month since my 25km. i still have knee pain when i climb stairs. probably the meniscus/ligament problem.

bah bah. its 3rd week of ortho. and it doesnt feel like it. i don't think i know much about ortho. next week is going to be first viva, then second viva following week and followed by clinical exam and also end of posting papers for Psy and ortho. ah ah ah ah ah.stress is building up.

sometimes, i just miss having someone to lean on. but i also dread to wet the pillow before sleeping because i miss the someone.

bones. moans. groannnnsss.

约定

就这样三年又过了

我还是回到这个地方
闭上眼等你的出现
空气中吻你的脸
我还记得我们的约定

really, three years has passed. fast it may seem. the promise that was held is no longer valid. funny , memories between us kept popping up in my mind this few days. and as i looked through the pictures we had, as i read back your old blogposts, tears just rolled down.


something has changed. but something remains.

i know with time, wound will heal. but will the scar be gone?

maybe it's time to find out what has changed and what hasn't. i shouldn't think so much man.

50 things you should do before graduating

i was reading this, and it strikes me, how true it is.

out of the 50 things, i like the last line the most.

''This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn.''

so true. many of my friends are already working. thats when we are thrown into the real world. that time, our responsibility is not only to learn, but many other things as well.

so scary. i cannot imagine graduating in less than 2 years time. one question: would i be competent enough to serve? i hope i can answer proudly then :)

child

i was having child psychiatry this few days. and one conclusion that i can make, i am no good with kids. lol. i just cant connect with them laaa. i was supposed to clerk a 6 years old girl with selective mutism/speech refusal yesterday. and can u believe it, i actually felt like i was playing squash for that 30 mins! you know, its like you are talking to a wall and there was no response. lol.

there's only one explanation, i am way too mature already ;p

psy exam is next week, which means psy is ending soon. i think i sort of like psy wei. its something really different from medical, but its interesting, because it deals with human mind. i will miss the nice MO in the ward too, who guided us in such self directed learning environment. not forgetting the consultant too, who is so cool. so cool i tell u ;p

we were in methadone clinic today for our case presentation ( which i have presented very disorganised-ly) , and the class stretched from 1130 till 3pm. we were all starving to death. and the consultant told us, ' u guys can have some methadone' , and when we showed our stoned face, he continued to say, its expensive stuff wei. lol..k, nothing interesting. i just enjoy typing here than to type my case summary. its depressive to type a summary on a patient with depression in such a depressive night. zzz.

home is one week away. not sure if i can go back next week after exam, but i just wannaaa go home so much. bah bah bah. the thought of doing research makes me feel like puking. zzzz.

crab walking

i am walking like a crab now. whyy?

yes! i did my first 25km yesterday! cant believe it right? i cant believe myself too. i cant believe i sign up for such a crazy thing , when i am having such a crazy schedule already. 4 weeks of psy, that explains a lot right? lol..

anyway, it was a hell! first challenge, up and down hills. i have lost count on how many hills that i have painfully jogged up, and down. its countless. i could feel my gastrocnemius yelling in pain everytime i jog up a hill. nextly, the hot burning sun with no shades during the whole 25km route. i just kept pouring water on my arm and thigh in all the water stations to cool myself down. lol..

most important of all, i didnt do much training for this run. all these factors coupled with lack of preparation, it was just a plain torture running the 25km. well, i didnt exactly run the 25km continously, i just gave up and started walking at around 18km. and i walked under the hot sun for 7km. luckily, i found a walking partner along the route, mr azaidi, someone whom i just get to know yesterday. lol.. he made my last few km less boring.

that just made me miss having someone to run together with. someone that could push me hard.

and this applies to runs, and also my daily lives.

i rmb during my last 21km, we were so busy saying hi byes to our friends along the route, motivating each other when we bump into each other during the U turns, the 21km seem relatively easy. now, i don't bother to look at other runners. coz i know none of them, well, besides rm, who waited for me for so longggg..lol..

i miss doing things with friends together. running together. hiking together. studying together. practising csu together. or just simply sitting together in lecture hall together. all these simple things seem so impossible now. in clinical school, people are busy with their own things. even when we go out, it will be like rushing here there. haish.

anyway, i reached the finishing point veryyy late. lol. of course i didnt get a medal. but i was given the finishing tee. yay. at least something for all the sweats! i love the tshirt, eventhough its like so pinkish. lol..

thought disorder

studying psy with all the criteria listed for DSM IV or ICD 10 is frustrating. so many things under one topic. i guess if someone is going to do mental status examination on me, it will be as bad as someone who is having dementia. huhuu.

as i was driving, it occurred to me, all the names for the diseases are named by none other than us, human. either name after the doctor who discovered the pattern of it, or name after the first patient in which the symptoms are found.

so funny. we find a pattern of disease, gather the pattern, compare it, and come out with weird names for each of them. eg.. schizophrenia. wonder how they came out with the name. lol.

the patients in the psy ward here is different from other wards. i mean, yes, of course the disease they have is different from those in medical wards. what i meant was that, here, most of the patients think they are alright. and true enough, most of them are perfectly healthy, physically.

unlike the patients in other wards who suffered from all the physical symptoms who wants to get well.here, they think they are well. and they really don't understand why they are kept here in the ward. if you see the condition in the ward, no one who is sane would want to stay there for a night.

but seeing them made me realise that anything can happen to anyone. these patients made me laugh, some of them made me tear. i felt my deep empathy towards one of the patients whom i met few weeks ago. she graduated from a prestigious uni in Sg , currently in her second sem for masters. all of the sudden, she just changed, presented with all the symptoms of schizophrenia. her mom showed me her family portrait during her graduation, it was a happy family. she looked so happy, so cheerful. now, the only word that i can use to describe is miserable. she felt miserable, didnt understand why she was kept in the ward.

suddenly, i am scared. what if this happen to me? i know this may sound childish or whatever you call it, but i am really scared.

sadly, the stigma is still present.

empathy vs sympathy

lecturer said, what patients need is our empathy, not sympathy.

which is what i need as well.

but what i have are the 4 walls in my room.

geez, i think i can meet the criteria for major depressive disorder in DSM IV already.

Psy!

First day in psychiatry ward! and at the end of the day, i told my posting mate, i don't know if i will still stay sane after 5 weeks in Psy. man, i don't know how the doctors manage to keep their faces straight while interviewing the patients, with the patient telling you some non-existent things, things which only they themselves believe.

seeing all these mentally ill patient, i wonder, is it more torturous to be mentally or physically ill? at least for some of them in the ward here, they are enjoying themselves in their imaginary world, as compared to the patients in medical ward.

either way, i am thankful that i am healthy, physically and mentally, hopefully still is after 5 weeks.

leehom::)

i received some really funny comments last week.

1) my aunt, whom i didnt meet for about 2 years came back from taiwan.

she said: did u grow taller?
me: errr, i didnt grow taller for the past 6 years ( in fact i think since sec3 , lol...)aunt: i think u look much taller now.
me: err...
aunt: eh, all your pimples gone ady?
me: i don't have much pimples since last time...
aunt: the last time i came back you are not that pretty ler..

2) i met up with my secondary school classmates, one of them i havent seen for about 2 years as well after she went over to study in nz.
friend: ehhh, u look like u have grown taller!
me: errrm, i think i didnt!
friend: u must go and measure your height soon.
me: kkkkkkk =.=
friend: you hair is longer now, you look prettier also.

hahahahahahahaa. sorry. i am just being me. but i did not make up the above stories okay ;p
but, after two person asked if i have grown taller, maybe i should really go and check my height soon. and now i wonder, was i really THAT ugly last time . center parting is not THAT bad right.. lol.. that explains why i am still single now... huhuuuuu.

maybe i just haven't met the right guy yet.
the right guy
:) how can a guy be so talented, so good looking, and sooo attractive! :)


the right guy. is there such thing? i wonder. but like what yc said last time, i am going to scold my future husband when i meet him, coz he made me waited for so long. lol...

new template

yay! i finally have a new template. sorry for the previous template, its eye straining. i know i know. lol.. the change in distance between my eyes and my comp screen is telling me that i need a new specs soon ;p

but yes, new template! :) when u see me blogging so often, it means i am getting bored already. lol. and when u see me changing my template, means mushrooms are growing on my body already.

to kill time, justnow i was rearranging the stuff in my phone. havent been using much of its function, except for calling and messaging. lol. sorry mr touch2, i will try to fully utilise u, after i upload some programmes. anyway, while i was browsing through the pics which i have captured, i found that:

50%: my niece's pictures :))
20%: pics of ppl sleeping in class ;p
10%: blood results, med articles, etc
10%: pics of myself when perasan-ness kicks in :D

10%:random pics of the sky :)

some of the pictures from mr touch2:


my niece, after eating panmee :) i guess, we can say cuteness is something that can be inherited, probably autosomal dominant :)

yes, have i said this before, if there's one thing i love about seremban, its the sky:) the skyline in seremban is something which u cannot see, elsewhere ( maybe at least in kl la ;p) but yes, its sooo wonderful :) it totally made my day every morning as i see the sunrise, especially during my surgical posting when i need to reach the ward by 7am. ahhh. bliss :)

yes yes yes, i know i look so lady-like. lol. and nope, i didnt buy that dress.
yes yes yes, i know it looked nice on me ( lol) , but i know i just wont wear it so often la. you know me ;p and in case u wonder, i am not so vain/bimbo-ish .i dun take pictures of myself in fitting room THAT often k. this is one of the few rare instances ;p and if u look closer, u can see mr touch 2 in this pic too! :)

i am back!

i am back, after so long! :) 3 weeks break, something i have been looking forward to since forever. i need it badly.

surgery-done, int medicine-done, family medicine-done

and yesh, i am done with my first semester in clinical school. time really flies. i still rmb the first day when i stepped in surgery ward 5 months ago, a noobie that time. ah, sometimes, i do miss being noobie, at least i can afford to be ignorant. saw sem10 taking graduating pics the other day, after they passed their eos10. ah, i hope to be there one day. one day, i will be there :)

how did all my postings go?tiring, exhausting, but at the same time fullfilling. everyday in the ward is a new learning experience. i complain complain and complain, day in day out, but somehow when i looked back now, i am thankful for the learning experience, coz i know it will be worse when i am the houseman next time.

the only thing i hope to have now is a shoulder to cry on, someone whom i can turn to to share my joy and sadness, a person whom i can depend on. i have friends, we share how bad our days was, how weird the patient we met, comparing who has the worst day. but coming home, i face the 4 walls in my room, cant help but feeling lonely. i wish my very good friend is here with me, giving me the big fat hug i miss so much, everytime i am feeling down.

anyway, jiayou everyone, wherever you are, whatever you are doing! :)

Oncology

came across this article as i was reading an oncologist's blog.

Just say die

''Dying, which was once viewed as natural and expected, has become medicalized into an unwelcome part of medical care. ''

''Worse, death has become medicine's enemy—a reminder of our limitations of medical diagnosis and management.''

Patient's death, should not be treated as medical failure. it's terribly hard to lose a patient, and its even harder to tell a patient that he/she is going to die.

oncology. haishh.

down down down

i need someone to tell me,

how do we keep the energy level high, when everyone around you looks so lethargic/ill?

how do we stay positive, when you are 'greeted' by 4 deaths early in the morning?

how do we stay happy, if you encounter people crying everyday?

it seems, laughing is an offense. seriously.

i know i have to keep going. i need something to keep me focused.

我累了

喜欢一个人可以变得好累。

我真的累了。

是时候放手了。

我相信， 雨过， 就是天晴。

可是，为社么， 这场雨，

下了这么久还没停呢?

happy mother's day:)

it's mother's day today.

i really really really want to go home.

but i cant :(

the notes that are piling up, the reports that are piling up, the list of things-to-do is going on and on.

just this week, i didn't call my mom for 3 days. and she tried to call me. and coincidentally, my phone ran out of battery while i was in the ward at night. when i reached home at 11pm, saw so many missed calls and message from her. i felt so bad. that i made her worried.

i spent so much time in the ward, trying to understand the patients, trying to understand each disease better, comforting them not to be worried, while i leave the very person that love me worried.

this is just the beginning. and i am already like this. how will the next few years be like?

i always say that i am a family oriented person. REALLY? now i doubt.

i miss home so much :(

somethings in life are easier once we do it n times. like taking blood, inserting IV line. repeat repeat repeat and you will improve. i wish it applies for leaving home as well. but no, it's so hard to step out of the door each time. it never will be easy.

5 more weeks.

life as of now

internal med.

not as crazy as what i have thought. at least i still have time to breath :)

before we enter internal med, we kept saying, we will miss surgery. i still do. but i think i m starting to like internal med already. the patients. the ward. the houseman. the doctors. and my ward-mates, and of coz most importantly the lecturer. i got a cardiologist as my mentor. andddd, i really fall in love with him wei. the way he explained how the heart works is just amazing. never had anyone can explain medicine so well.

despite the craziness, my life is still so dramatic.i duno how long more i can take this wei. but i was happy to be in the shit hole again. i mean. i am happy. but at the same time i feel pathetic. i duwan to come out from the shit hole. but at the same time i know i need to be out of it.

i duwan tragedy to repeat itself. i shall promise myself, there wont be part 2 of 1 litres of tear.

the other drama of my life. duno how to describe it. but, i just hope i don't hurt anyone just as how i was hurt, eventhough it means losing yet another friend.

a night which ended well, a webcam session with my hamsapest all the way from her new room in philadelphia :) somethings just don't change. and it is this things which i appreciate the most :)

it's so easy to describe everything in one word, confused. it practically covers everything. and u dun need to explain yourself after that. just coz you are confused.

i hate it when people tell me that they are confused.

but now, i am confused, too.

i really dun understand myself.

that just reminds me of the way my niece looks at me. lol.

i am already excited now. the anticipation. it's amazing how my pulse rate still fluctuate at that split second. its amazing how i can still catch my breath at that moment.i thought i am desensitized. but obviously i am not. geez.

radio was playing the song fall for you by secondhand serenade yesterday night. after so long. it just reminded me of someone. it still does. it also reminded me of the days which i play it every single night before i sleep. whereby it accompanied my tears. just coz it reminded me of someone.

A lecturer said to us,

everyone has got his fullstop. and we doctors create havoc as we try to move or change the fullstop.

sometimes, i cant help but to agree with this statement.


end of posting exam is over. this marks the end of surgery posting. i cant believe i am saying this, but i think i will miss surgery!! i didnt like it initially, probably because i was still a lost soul that time. but till the end of the last few weeks, especially when i switched to ward 3A, i totally fall in love with surgery :)

and despite the rumours on the 'malignant' lecturer of 3A, our group totally respect and admire him. he is the best best best lecturer of all :) eventhough i have to wake up at the wee hours, and be in the ward before 7am, and 'attempt' to cover the whole ward each day, i have no complaints. just coz i know he wants the best out of us. he has my respect :)

now, i am happy. back at home. and can you believe it, i actually slept 16 hours yesterday! time to recharge before the super hectic internal medicine posting starts.

you don't drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis Cole


it's not easy to come out of it. it looks simple. i thought is not hard. but, its really that hard.


sometimes, i hope i can be least dependant to others.

i did a few mistakes on friday. i was so dissappointed with myself. i still feel so guilty now. to the patient. and to the family. it wasn't something big, but somehow i still feel so sorry. pfft. and, one senior told me, dun worry, at least now you learnt.

i always wonder, if i am going to hurt someone in my process of learning, then i already break hippocrates oath, Primum non nocere - first do no harm.

but, the only thing i can do now is to keep learning. hopefully one day i will be really competent.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

that was the question i have been asking myself since i stepped in to hospital 4 weeks ago.

and i still don't know the answer yet.

i don't know how long more i can keep walking in this dark tunnel.





andd, another question i really want to ask you, why?

today, i needed to talk to someone badly. someone, anyone. but only then i realised, i have no one to turn to. :(

now, i miss those days when i have roomates who are 'easily accessible' for me to bug. or friends whom i can message/call anytime when i am feeling stressed.

now, the only people whom i talk the most with are the patients in the ward. its nice to hear from people, about their life, but i have my life too.


i want to have a life. i want to share my stories with someone too.


geez. emoness is back in the air. sucks. it's just 2.5 weeks. don't remind me i have 2.5 years more.

stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you stand

Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

stand-Rascal Flatts

2weeks in surgery, it really felt like a candle in a hurricane. times like this, you hope you are not alone. even if you are alone, stand up, and you will be alright. at least i havent been pushed to the extent to drink dettol and end up in a&e. sometimes, when i look at the patients in hospital, i feel that my life is not that sucky afterall. at least i am healthy physically. but mentally? heh.


eeks, sometimes, people do things that they know they will regret. they know they will sulk after that.but they will still do it. why. i really wonder why. i am still sulking over it. pfft.

the feeling sucks when you suddenly realised the very person that you have been protecting shoot you right in the heart. the only lesson you learnt would be, never ever trust a person 100%

its scary when a person can portray such a innocent image infront of everyone, but deep inside, the person has got motives for every move. the lesson learnt would be, never ever judge a book from its cover.

as a friend said when she was drunk, life sucks. yes. life sucks :(

after all the borinnnnggg briefings for a week, lesson proper is gonna kick start on monday. yay to that. at least there's no need of sitting in for some stupid dull briefings. but i foresee the challenging life ahead. challenging, is better than boring after all .

i know soon everything will be fine. just cause i believe in it.

1 day ! and i am leaving my homesweethome. i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan. pfft. and i got my postings list yesterday. surgery-internal med- family med. and i complain complain and complain to my mom. i pray that i can get family med first, just because i need time to settle down and slowly start my engine as the new semester begins.

and my mom asked me: when u are having your meal, do u eat the drumstick first or the timun-tauge-greenpea-onion first? of coz the latter. since young, i have the habit of keeping the food that i like to the last on the plate, and after i finish all the unnecessary-disgusting-food then only i will slowly savour my favourite food.

thats right. think positive man! i need to think positive. just as the chinese saying goes, 先苦后甜. first bitter then sweet. yes. i can do it man! a friend told me that she is excited that semester is starting soon, because that would mean a new life. a different life. yes, i hope to have a new life too. a happy life .

i want to be happy because , not despite .

quoting from a chapter in dale carnegie's:

The value of smile

It costs nothing, but create much

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give

It happens in a flash, and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits

Yet it cannot be bought, borrowed, begged, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till its given away.

the smiley which is with me for the past 1 year+ given by balala :)

yesterday, i was searching through my drawer, for some pretty postcards to decorate my room in seremban. thats where i keep the postcards which are sent by friends and also those which i have collected in singapore. lots of them. colourful ones, meaningful ones, inspiring ones, funny ones, hamsap ones. from different parts of the world. and i hoping for more to come, as many of the hamsaps are soon flying to everywhere, and i will get to collect more of them. to enter the 'wall of fame' , just send the entry form to me okay * hint* ;p

i like this one the most, given by my angel, kevin when i was playing angel and mortal game during JC times. so apt ler for now:)

i plan to put all these colourful postcards on the wall. this will definitely cheer me up when i am studying. and not forgetting my LEEHOM posters. i found back the poster which i got in sg, the one which kh, sy and myself went all the way to jurong east ( or was it bishan) to get it signed by LEEHOM :D that was my first meeting with him. wahahahaha.. wahahahaha..wahahahaahaa..

HAHA. i look so noob that time.

another noob moment, i found back many letters in the drawer, dated as old as 1997, sent by my primary school mates. we were so noob back then ler. sending each other snail mails during holidays when we were just staying few km away from each other. and oh man. my chinese handwriting was sooooo bad back then. haha. i miss those times. and those things we did. things we did when we are innocent and childish ;p

talking about childish, i just had so many childish comments on my fb wall on my status : MISU MISU! ahhhh, i am so in love with the drama! especially xiao xiao bing :D

MISU MISU :D :D :D

HWS

HWS- holidays withdrawal syndrome.


i think i am getting pre-HWS. just last night, i was counting the days which i can slack like this - finish novels in one sitting, watch drama without any guilt, sleep till mid-afternoon,and continue napping after lunch, go jogging for as long as i want, on the tv and watch nothing, sit on the couch and do nothing, kacau ppl from different parts of the world for nothing - basically just doing nothing.


and count down: its 10 days more! walau. 10 days !!! how cannnnnn??? !!! i am not done slacking yet!


hahah, actually i am sort of grateful that uni is starting soon, at least i dun need to keep complaining to people that i feel siensted. i bet i will regret saying this line as soon as seremban starts. i foresee that it's gonna be like from heaven to hell. pffft.


and finally, the dreaded chinese new year is over. since young, i never like cny ( excluding the angpau and new cloths part). every year, i have to drag my fat butt back to segamat, which is my parents hometown during cny. not that i dislike going back, but i just don't anticipate the idea of 60 people squeezing in one house. with 10 families all back home, you can imagine the havoc man! and the heat wave this year is not helping much! my room is just like an oven. i feel like a roasted rabbit. lol..



but i am happy that i get to see my grandparents. although my grandpa now doesnt recognise anyone, to see him walking eating sleeping healthily is good enough. and when i saw my dad kneeling down to cut toe nails for my grandpa, that image hit me. i was really touched. that simple small act.


it reminded me of the times when my dad kneel down and cut nails for me, when i was still a small child. and that moment, i tell myself, i will take care of my parents, just like how they took care of me last time.


its a lamentable fact that more and more people are casting the older generations away because they are unable to do anything by themselves, hence categorised as burden. but aren't we all like that when we are young, can't walk,eat, change cloths, go to toilet on our own, and who are the ones who patiently did all that for us? of course its our parents ( i am not talking about rich families with 10 maids and 5 babysitters )


thus, no matter how reluctant i am to go back to segamat during cny, i will still go back. because i know that's something which the old people has long anticipated. i know my grandma has started buying all those new year stuff one month back. all the preparations just to celebrate the reunion of the family. her smile, her smile is all that is worth it for me to just stay in the oven for few days.


and of course, not forgetting, her smile too :)

i couldnt find the card reader to include a latest picture of her, but here's a picture of her when she is still a obese baby ;p now she is soo thin already ler.

read.read.read

my attempt to try to brush up some of my clinical stuff before uni starts has proved to be a failure. pfft..





on a fine monday morning, me being very enthu, carried my osce manuals to the library. and just being the curious me, i went to browse through the shelves since i havent stepped into this library for ages. i still remember, i used to go there every week, to the children's section to read childish story books, like RL stine, my all time favourite last time. so noob eh. haha..





anddddd, guess what i found on the book shelves in the adult section! whole collections of paulo coelho novels! haha, you cannot imagine how happy i was wei! that will save my wallet so much , because i was planning to buy his novels since now seremban imu libary most likely wont be as luxurious as bj's one. and i also found many other authors' novels which i am interested in reading.





so, instead of csu manuals, i was reading tony parsons' novel, man and wife. i rmb some time ago,some hamsap recommended me to reading tony parsons. but unfortunately, i couldn't find his best selling novel man and boy, so i chose to read the sequel to it. and, guess what, i buried myself in that book, and finished it in one morning! bliss :D :D :D the kind of satisfaction you wont get from reading one whole book of clinical medicine. haha..

the novel, not bad, i would say, but not very much the type of genre i like. but i did enjoy the satisfaction of finishing a book in one sitting :D



and, i have borrowed a few more books back to read before cny! ahah! i guess, the csu manuals can wait ;)

something worth reading :)

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/26/haiti.doctors.lessons/index.html


somewhere which i hope to be in, in a few years time.

penang

saw this interesting status shout out on fb :

就算是Believe 中間還是有個 lie ; 就算是Friend 最後還是會有個 end ; 就算是Lover 最後還是會 over ; 就算是forget 也要先 get才行。

hmmm...

got back from penang on monday, and stayed over at kl for few days before i came back to kuantan. home sweet home. home is really sweet :) and to my surprise, after all the stuff-your-mouth-with nice penang food trip, i lost 3kg. ohoh! and i even asked my mom if the weighing machine is not functioning well already. haha. and i am half dead after i reached home, having sorethroat, slight feverish, headache, and ulcers all over my big mouth ( with the size of my big mouth, you can imagine how many ulcers i am having now)

having to travel from east to west then up north on the bus, 4 hours to kl, then 5 hours to penang, then 5 hours back to kl and another 4 hours to kuantan, i have learn my lesson. that is to plan ahead my travelling trips, so that i can get to book air flight at a low price, and don't need to make my poor butt suffer for so many hours. not complaining though, at least i get to meet the hamsap gang and also had the chance to lame around for few days :)

bye bye penang, bye bye nice-yummy-good-food, and bye bye hamsaps! till we meet again (soon!) :)

when i came back, only then i realised that i was in penang, took the same highway to penang on a bus to penang, a highway which took away one of my good friends 2 years ago. i still remember, it was january 25th. i have always wanted to visit her family. but i just didnt have the chance ( or maybe courage) to do so.

ok, back to hibernating!

why i am lame?

and yes, i always wonder, why am i lame? and today i got the answer ( i think i knew the answer long ago, but what happened justnow had just testified what i suspected all this while ;p)

we went to the pasar malam justnow. my parents and myself. while we are walking..

dad: eh, look, there's hair in the drink that they sell there..

( as i was about to show the disgust in my face ) ... guess what i saw? CINCAU in the soya drink! walau... i cant believe somebody just said that cincau is hair...

dad: eh paiseh mar! i didnt look closely enough...

and now, please don't blame me for my lame-ness. and don't ask me whyy. i was born with that wei!

and just as i came home, i got a offline message from my dearest ex-ex-roomie. haha. she sent me a email with folders, and when i look at the title of the folder ---'' k** h*** singing ''( i shall not disclose the name here, lol ) , i almost puke. lol... sorrry la, haha, but i am just not used to ..people being so confident of their own voice. but i would say, its not that bad la.. :)

so now, another reason, why i am so lame, just coz i have funny friends ;) or i should say, i am blessed with funny friends and family.

i think i am bit sot already, must be the siens-ness. must be! anddd, i just did a test sort of thing on facebook. walau, the results just made my day ! :D:D:D:D:D some certain small things ( which i know very well myself that its not true ) , deceiving yourself to make yourself happy is a good thing , sometimes :)

came across this very meaningful poem, which according to paulo coelho, its written by a japanese poet, Mitsuo Aida, reminding us the importance of innocence.

Because it has lived its life intensely

the parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.

The flowers merely flower,

and they do this as well as they can.

The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,

Doest not need to explain itself to anyone;

It lives merely for beauty.

Men, however, cannot accept that 'merely'.

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,

they would look completely ridiculous.

I am always amazed

that so many people are concerned

with wanting to be what they are not;

what's the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don't always have to pretend to be strong,

there's no need to prove all the time that everything is goingwell,

you shouldn't be concerned about what other people are thinking,

cry if you need to,

it's good to cry out all your tears

( because only then will you be able to smile again )

easier said than done. ''merely'', how many people can actually settle down by just being ''merely''?

i was nagged into doing spring cleaning yesterday ( spring cleaning, and spring onion, i like neither! ) i discovered a lot of '' treasures'' as i was cleaning up my stuff, including mr siukeong which i have later killed it, so sorryy mr siukeong!

and then, i found one whole stack of university application documents, and also some acceptance letters. among it, i found the offer of asean undergraduate scholarship by nus. IF i were to accept it, my parents wouldn't have to fork out such a big amount for me to study now; IF i were to accept it, i will be graduating as a pharmacist/bioengineer next year! IF i were to accept it, i might be doing some exchange programme, like all my other friends, in UK/US; IF i were to accept it, i don't need to flood my brain with anatomy-physio-patho-pharmaco blah blah.

so many IFs, and i asked myself, do i just want to settle with 'merely' that? i have my regrets, but i know it's too late. sometimes, there's just no U-turn in life. you just gotta keep going. but, i am starting to gain back my enthusiasm for medicine, which i have once doubted.

1 month more to clinical school, i know i am going to enjoy this 2.5 years :) and it's my bro's 31st birthday today. oh man! i can't believe how old he is already. haha. i am already feeling so old with a '2' infront of my age. imagine a '3' ! my goodness. perhaps that is what u called, maturity ;p

Have you ever wondered, why people always expected you to smile when taking photographs? i guess, it's because they hope that in the future, there would be something to smile about. and also for the hope to capture that very moment. that happy moment.

the one on the left was taken dec2005, and the one on the right taken jan2010. same place at awana kijal :)

4 years, i guess, nothing much has changed., physically ( besides the extra few kgs ;P ) but many things have taken place since then. i realised, i always like to compare now and then. don't know whether its a bad habit of mine, but it's good for myself to evaluate if i have improved throughout the years.

and nope, i am not emo, jh :D still surviving despite the siens-ness.

p/s: new year's resolution is to stay emo-less ( hmm, or at least, try to reduce the emoness :)

老妈常说我做事都是三分钟热度，

我在想，

如果爱情可以那样，

会好吗？

有时，寂寞会让人做出很多傻事，

愚蠢了，

是时间就该醒醒，

可能， 就像 michael buble 唱 那样， just haven't met you yet.