Life as of now

Life has been very much up and down recently. But I have made a very important decision, one which will affect my life. Standing at this juncture reminded me the time when I was in singapore, to choose to stay or coming back to malaysia. Making decision has never been easy.

But, the situation in back home is really ... I cant find a word to describe this. But I am hoping to get myself trained elsewhere, to be more competent, and hopefully can come home and contribute this place which i call home.

Been reading a few non medical books this few weeks to help myself to make decision. 'Life in three countries, In search of a Home' which describes a doctor's path in searching home, and how he tried so hard but being rejected by his own home country, and finally settling down in another place.

I hope by then time I come home, I will have a better luck. It may seem as an excuse that I am running away now. But to contribute when I am at the bottom of the food chain is not easy. So, I am making a promise here to myself, I will come back, hopefully as a better doctor to help improve the condition back home.

Saying that I want to improve or to contribute to the country may sound very noble or very hypocrytic to some. Perhaps, I can say it is more for a selfish reason. I want to be trained under a structured system. I don't want to be led by a blind, and then blindly leading somebody. why? because we are dealing with lives here.

Trust me, to make this decision to leave home, again, after 7 years away from home is not easy. No words can describe how much I miss home. Looking at my parents when i went home last week, I realised they have aged so much. As I grow up, they are growing old. I once read an article, if you realised that the kitchen in your house is no longer as clean as how it used to be, if you realised your dad's car is not as cleaned as last time, if you realised there are some unrepaired furniture at home, it means your parents are growing old. And, I took time to observe my home during my trip home last week. And true enough, everything at home was different. My mom did not realise my light was not functioning, and she was working under the dimmed light for so long. I cried after the discussion with my parents that I have decided to try my luck to go to the states. But they supported my decision. It was hard, but finally, I have made up my mind.

Yes, I am going to take this exam. And, in the mean time, I may or may not go for housemanship first, depending on my speed of revision. Wish me luck, guys! I really need to do this well.