Run

run run run.

i miss running.
just in the previous post, i said that i will stop running for at least a month until my ankle is fully recovered.
and now i miss running.
i have the ''kaki gatal'' feelings and really just feel like taking my shoes and go to the park and run.
but i didn't.
i used to be stubborn and continue running despite of my ankle injury.
thus all the sufferings during the mount k hike.
i learnt my lessons.
so i will be patient, at least a month until it is less painful.

i think 4 years ago, i wouldn't imagine myself saying this : i miss running. in fact, that time i hated running a lot, especially the 2.4km in napha. blah, out of the 6 stations, i hated this a lot. you will see me complaining if there's PE on that day, because it will mean another 2.4km running. when did i start to love running? i think it's after i entered imu, where there's a very nice park nearby, plus the fact that i do not have much entertainment, i slowly pick up running.

i love the feeling of inhaling the fresh air in the park after a whole day of nerding in the room,of fresh air brushing through my hair. it reminds me of the beauty of nature and surroudings.

i love the view of beautiful sunrise when pull myself out of bed to run in the mornings ; of the view of beautiful sunset when i run in the evenings. it reminds me how i should start and end my days with a sunshine-like smile.

i love the sight of old people playing tai ji, of small children cycling in the park.it reminds me that i am not alone.

i love the feeling of feelining my heartbeats, of listening to my breathsounds. it reminds me that i am still alive.

from running 1 round , 2 rounds, 3 rounds, i have slowly built up stamina and took part in a few distance runnings.

Orange Run 08
9km
My first long distance run, but i didnt really take it seriously as half of the time we were busy taking pictures :P

Klang pacers' 12 oct 08
12km
The first run that i have taken seriously.

UPM charity run March 09
5km
i was one of the top 25 !! :)

Klang pacers' half marathon June 09
21.9 KM
my first half marathon !

this is not the end of my running journey. i will never stop running. i think only fellow runners will understand why do one runs. they are those people who gone through consistent trainings, people who put themselves through the sweats and pain, BUT deep down inside, know how GREAT it feels.

my old running shoe which has accompanied for easily a 100km. thankyou for the journey and may you rest in peace :)

the underutilized new shoe. the baton has been passed on to you and don't worry, i will be bringing you out to the park very often, SOON.

One thing that i learnt from running is that, you will never know what is your best, as you continue trying, each time, you will be surprised at the results, that you have improved each time. that's the reward. it has proved to me that i am able to do something that i have never imagined myself doing.

"Ask yourself: 'Can I give more?'. The answer is usually: 'Yes'."
-Paul Tergat, Kenyan professional marathoner

and with each step i take, one step, two steps, small or big steps, i know, deep down, i will reach the finishing line. and at the end of the day, i can say: i made it! and at that moment, you will realise, it's hard, but it's not impossible :) i know, i can make it too this time!

P/s: i have a date with someone to complete a full 42km marathon when we are 42 years old. and i know we can do it :)

Back!

i am back from KK :)

and thus celebrating the last part of P21KK -- prom, 21km, and our mount K hike.

it's a transition, something that i will remember deep in my heart, i would not say its a good one, but it's a transition that i've learnt a lot. and of course thanks to the GREAT company :)

the pics for kk that i have compiled ( pardon me for having so many of my pics in the album, coz i compiled it for my parents to see :) )

KK


and the journey of P21kk that queen has compiled :)

P21KK

some random things:

i've watched 3 movies in less than a month time, which is like more than the number of movies that i have watched last year.

Transformer: megan fox is hot wei! i know i am supposed to transformed after the movie, but sorry, i guess i am slow in things, but as i always put it, slowly but surely.
The proposal: we watched it in KK Growball cineplex ( what a name !! ) just because we have nothing to do. a-not-too-bad comedy , but never sit beside someone that laugh so loud to the extent that it will embarass you :P
Harry potter: i was once a potter fan, but during this 6th movie, i was trying hard to remember the story line throughout the movie. it's about time to read the series again!

i am going to stop running for a month, at least, to rest my poor ankle.

i feel grateful, really really grateful for the friends that i have.

and last nite, i feel really happy for something. it's not that hard afterall.

as queen put it, it's about time. and yes, i know it too. thanks for whatever that you have done for me up at the peak of mount K :)

i wanted to type out what we did in sabah, but i guess it's good up in my memory.i am starting to miss sabah already, to the extent that i dream of it two days ago. haha. or at least i miss the good times we had there.

awesome sunset that we saw on our way back from mount K.
i miss the sunset, and the people that i shared it with :)
quoting queen:the sun doesnt blind you, only makes things clearer. i think i am clear now.

Fear

today will be the last time at home, before i pack and return to kl. when i was eating breakfast with my dad this morning, on the way back, my tears just kept flowing at the thought of this, that i will be leaving my home soon.

there's this fear. fear of going back to vista, fear of going back uni, fear of going back to my routine. 3weeks being away from this was a good one, to keep myself from all the familiar things, familiar surroundings, familiar people. i know when i got back, memories will unfold, reminding me everything that once took place, and they are gone now. i am afraid that i will in the same state, same position again, as how i was 3 weeks ago. perhaps, everything will look the same, but how i feel will be very different now.

then again, i don't know if i am afraid that everything will be the same again, or i am afraid that everything will change.

this is going to be my last semester here in bukit jalil before i move to seremban for phase2, and it's going to be the last 6 months before most of my close friends are moving on to PMS for their phase2. i know i shouldn't be feeling this way now, i should be happy that i am going back, seeing all of them, and try my best to treasure the remaining the last 6 months together.

but i am scared. really scared. can i choose not to go back, mom? pls. i have lost the courage to say, i will try again tomorrow. the fear is conquering instead.



nataliedee.com

somebody please show me the light.

i am just a piece of glass pretending to be plastic. i break, i crumble..just cause i am not as strong as i have pretended to be.

what happened to all the positiveness?

random

i was looking through my artwork today because i was too bored at home. guess what i found? i found some unfinished artwork that i draw when i was in primary school. funny it may seem because my family hasnt been to sarawak together. don't know where did that idea come from. anyway, i wasnt much an arts person ( so, please don't laugh at the following piece of work :P ) , i barely pass my arts with the help of my brother. he used to sketch something for me before the exam day and i will just re-draw it next day based on my memory. haha.smart eh :P

then i found something else! haha. some unfinished artwork by kahhwee :P she was attempting to sketch a portrait of me but it is half done. quite nicely done i would say :)

which reminds me of another portrait that i have. after searching up and down in my room then i found it. my mouth looks slightly big here laaa :P but thank you, vin :)

and i found another piece of my work, my calligraphy handwritings. which reminds me how much i miss calligraphy. the last time i practise calligraphy was before some competition in singapore. i doubt i can even hold the brush in a correct way now. sigh.

looking through all these things made me realise how much i have changed over the years.

things changed. people changed. i changed. and you changed

post note: after kk, hamsap mus did a sketch on us, and here it goes , i love it :)
the reason why i was sketched as such is that i wore 7 layers when i was hiking up the peak. thus i look like a big fat aunty wei :P

Down south again

i went down to singapore again last weekend.

it's been so long since i last saw so many people walking so fast, rushing to somewhere. it's like i am the only slow one there. and, that's when i realised my life has been snail pace back here.

it's been so long since i last saw someone stealing a minute to read while commuting on the train. and, that's when i realised i haven't been reading a book for pleasure for so long, and so long since i have gone through a book at a single sitting. even when hoay borrowed me a book which i have been wanting to read after summative, i just didnt have the motivation to pick it up and read.

it's been so long since i walked around the city by myself. not being afraid that i might get kidnapped/raped any moment. and, that's when i realised how much i miss being alone.

anywayyyy, i enjoyed the trip very much despite of the fact that i am now still down with flu, cough and sorethroat (ahini alert!)

places that i have visited:
tampines-nest of hamsapest :P
southern ridges of singapore
singapore flyer
bugis
chinatown
kh's room :P

FOOD FOOD FOOOOD:
bak chor mee ( i still miss the one in SA)
ah ball-ing (green tea rocks!)
dao suan
BUBBBBLLEEEE TEAAAA ( i drank a total of 6 cups in 3 days :P)
cafe cartel
long john silver
shi lin fried chicken
mos burger's frozen strawberry and milk tea

some nice egg tart from tampines mall

a hamsap welcome gift :)henderson wavessg flyeroh man, i love the sunset :)

meeting up with sinlen

and not forgetting, HAPPPPPY BIRTHDAY MISS GAN! :) do wear the tshirt whenever u feel down or stressed. hope it will really cheer you up when necessary.THANK YOU once again for everything :)

''you can miss someone more than you can ever love the person.'' i read this from somewhere the other day. there's this feelings of missing as i visit many places in sgp. somehow, it brought back lots of good old memories that i will smile when i thought of them.
it's different from another feeling of missing, the feeling of missing that made my heart aches whenever i thought of it. maybe, the only difference between this two situations is time. give time, time.maybe more time this time.
it's stupid, but there's this fear of not being missed in me. i miss.

falling. failing. and learning.

falling . failing .

they are inevitable in life.

it's how and what we learn from it that matters.

stand up.

i know i have to stand up myself.

it's been two weeks, my ankle still hurts when i go running today.

i guess, just like the heart, it takes longer to heal.

i read from a book, our body have all it needs to heal. oxygen, nutrients, water.

the healing process will take place automatically.

i know i am/was stupid.

i am exhausted.

of crying over my own stupidity.

i hope i can laugh at my own stupidity. soon.

learning. after falling. failing. so many times.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

i started eating meat on thursday after a month of vegetarian diet. i guess it's not really hard to refrain from eating meat, not much of discipline needed, since i am not a ''food'' person as people called it. and thankfully, my prayers work :)

and now, i am going to refrain myself from going to facebook for the next 3 weeks. it's just the first day, but it's so hard. it's really torturous to not click on that webpage. i think, it's not easy to get detached from something, or someone. but i will try. that i promise myself.

why am i putting myself through all these? of not eating meat, of not doing things that i want to? i guess, sometimes in life, we ought to learn to look at the bigger picture. if there are sacrifices to be made, for ourselves, or for other people, we have to do it. for good.

Decision

Oncology selective is coming to an end soon, today when i was doing the evaluation form for the lecturers, i realised something. that is, i have learnt to accept people's flaws and try to look at their positive sides. take for example my lecturer whom i used to dislike a lot because of his long winded-ness at the start of the selective. but now, i have realised that he is really a very dedicated lecturer, whom put in so much effort into making this onco selective a really good one. i think now i can even smile and listen attentively to him when he is giving us REALLY long lectures :P but all in all, i really enjoyed this selective. kudos to both the coordinators:)

when we were at HUKM last week, one of our coordinators shared her medical experiences with us. she said she chose to quit working in hospital becauase it involves many decision makings. take for example( a very common question asked in interview as well ), there are limited number of ventilators in a hospital, and assuming all the ventilators are in used, except for one...and that there are two patients who need the ventilator for life support for the moment, one being 70years old with kidney failure, and the other one 20 years old, healthy young teenager. who should we give the ventilator to? the young or the old patient?

most of the time, we have to make this decision. but who are we to decide who is to take the ventilator, who are we to decide another individual's life (or death) ? we have no rights! we have no rights to make the decision for other people when we can't even make the right decision for ourselves sometimes.

i know i can't now.

the room is dark and quiet.
there's a silent cry.
the heart is crying.
eyes-sunken
skin-pallor
pulse-absent
respirations-absent
pupils-fixed and dilated

i hope that everything can come to a closure.
soon.
slowly but surely.

hamsap! :)

i shall declare today as world HAMSAP day, because it is our hamsapest birthday! happy 21st birthday again lay queen! thank you for adding all the hamsapness in my world. like you said in the email, i duno how we got here, but one thing for sure, i am really really grateful for having to get here, crossing path with you, slowly getting to know you more, and having you as one of my closest friend :)

we are going for our first half marathon together this weekend, 21km for 21 years old. yes, the same reason as why you are running, i am running this race because i want to achieve something. and i will take this journey of 21km as a journey to reminiscence on the things that i have achieved in this 21years of my life, and hopefully, i can add on to the list if i managed to finish the race within 3 hours! i know my ankle is hurting, i know the stupid mestrual cycle is annoying, but i will still continue on with the race, as i have promised :)

i wish you the best for everything, and many many many happy returns for the many years to come :)

" and in this year, we will be celebrating adulthood, in it's fullness instead of the conclusion of your teenage years which will never come back. trust it's an end without lingering regrets. And so you have this one 'transition' year ahead of you (if i can call it that). i wish you a fulfilling transition. "

i wish that u had a great transition! :)

Thank YOU once again, my hamsapest :)


post note:

21km: DONE :)M207:)

we have completed our first half marathon within the qualifying time, queen with 2hours58mins and myself 3 hours and 4 seconds :):):) we were very lucky to meet a few veteran runners who gave us lots of encouragement throughout the journey. something that i remember from one of the runners, he said, forget about the timing, forget about the distance, just enjoy your first half marathon. as he put it, there's no refund if we make it before 3 hours, so we should fully utilise the 3 hours given. and i really did enjoy the run, despite of the ankle injury.my hamapest running partner:)

my ankle still hurts, but do you know, my heart aches even more.

belated mother's day:)

life of a woman is greatly changed when an egg is conceived in her body. not only there are many physical changes and adaptations for this new life, she also has to bear many new responsibilities.

http://clovetwo.com/articles/story.asp?file=/2009/5/13/reallives/20090513084722&sec=reallives

i like the last line of this article especially :)

''There is no way we can ever repay the debt to the women who gave us life; we will never be "even" with our moms. So every day should be a new day to appreciate, love, care for and devote ourselves to making our mothers' lives great today and even better tomorrow.''



something i saw at a vegetarian restaurant recently, the quote says, there are two things that u should not wait or delay in this world, first one is filial piety, the other one is charity. very true indeed. and i believe, both are equally important, as the fundamental charity starts at home, as my friend pointed out once.

i am eating vegetarian food for at least the next 2 weeks.

i pray. i hope. i wish.

for one thing. for the best. for you i shall be strong :)

and i am learning to take up many many responsibilities that i have never imagined. learning slowly, but surely:)

happy mothers' day to all the mothers.

The little things :)

The little things that made me smile :) day in day out, people are busy with their own lives, neglecting small little things in life. its amazing how these small gestures can touch one's heart :) THANK YOU

jeannie

queen le minxinyingwheiyingleanne

lucky stars from queen which are now stuck at my study table :Praymunmy roomie!all these happened because love never fails :) you guys are one of the blessings in my life.
thankYOU :)

Equation

we are in renal system now and few equations to learn, renal clearance, GFR.....

and queen sent me a msg one night, it says, if only life had an equation that can solve everything! it just struck me at that moment, do we have such equation in life? do we have answers to everything?

and so i asked this question to my another close friend, and his reply was that life is such a complex journey that there's no one equation to it, and whenever there's a problem, we will think it through, come up with an equation, answer it and move on until we come up to another problem.

at this point of time, i really hope that there is THE equation that can solve everything in life. problems piling and piling. unsolved problems.

some people said learning mathematics is useful because by solving all the mathematical problems, we will acquire the skills to solve problems in life, or at least simplify them. i wonder is this true. i used to score very well in mathematics and additional mathematics in school. but, why can't i solve anything now. anything.

and queen sent me another msg the other day, ''courage does not always RWOAR, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says, i will try tomorrow'' i havent been studying at all this past few nights, and every morning i tell myself, i must wake up with more strength today, with more positive energy to face what the world has prepared for me. because i believe whatever that happened today happened for a reason,and it is going to mould us to be a better person tomorrow.

''i will try tomorrow'' i know i can do it :)

2 more weeks to summative! study!!!!

side note, 17th May is lee hom's birthday , 17th May is also world international hypertension day ( hmmm, i wonder what they do on this day! ) and more importantly, 17th May is hamsap mus' birthday! happy 24th birthday MUSTAQIM!!! sorry for always bothering u online, sorry for always disturbing u middle of the night ( stupid canada time zone!) and most importantly thank you for all the advices, all the osce online teaching sesssions, all the stress that u put upon me to motivate me to study and thank you for the friendship :)

thank you :)

your long craved maggie mee :P

Organ Donation

This week has been a hectic week. from IMS, to dialysis centre, to pbl, to preparation for summative and to my very own personal problems.

anyway, the visit to dialysis centre is something worth mentioning. the building itself was quite a run down building which i later found out that its because they have been in this very building since 1993, and this is actually the very first dialysis centre set up by NGO in malaysia.

we were given briefing by a staff there, after which she shared a lot of her experience in dealing with kidney failure patient. basically, as a background information, kidney failure patient is someone with a non-functioning kidney and thus whatever waste produced in our body cannot be excreted out. thus, these people will normally opt for haemodialysis. and this has to be done at least 3 times a week, imagine, our kidney functions 24 hours a day, while they go for 12 hours of dialysis in a week time. and this is a lifelong suffering unless kidney is transplanted to them.

the staff then introduced to us one of the patient whom has gone through haemodialysis for 20+ years. she told us it is embarassing to admit that there's patient who needs to go for haemodialysis for so long and yet to found a kidney for transplantation. she explained that in overseas, the longest that one has to wait is 5 years (!!!)

this is because there's very little awareness in the importance of organ donation here. thus the waiting list goes on longer and longer and longer. there's one saying in buddhism, everyone is born to give. very true indeed. but how many actually realise this, and those that realised this, how many acually practises it? not many. animals, plants, trees sacrificed themselves for us, without asking anything in return. but how about us human? whatever we do, it is our human nature to ask or expect something back in return. for example, employees work, and they expect a pay. so, if we pledge for organ donation, what do we get? nothing. since our organ will only be taken after we are dead, we will not get anything in return if we pledge. so why should we pledge? many reasons.

take for example, if i pledge for organ donation, andddd if i pass away in an accident ( TOUCH WOOD), my organs will be donated to those on the waiting list. you will be surprised that so many organs in our body can be donated to other people. 2 kidneys to donate, but take a guess how many will benefit from this? not 2, but 4!!!! why? because each kidney will benefit 2 individuals, and once these two individuals recovered, they will not require haemodialysis, and another two kidney failure patients will be given opportunity to take up the place, since there are insufficient machines now.

many many other stories were shared by the staff there. inspiring anddd, for the first time in my life ( after 1.5 years in medical school) , i got to feel for thrill and listen to a bruit!!!! my my my!

so ya, what are u waiting for, pledge for organ donation now :)



unsettlement. exhausted. dissappointment.

tired

i am really tired this time.

LEE HOM :)

2.5.2009

my first ever concert! one word - FANTASTIC. he didnt dissappoint me. one thing for sure, he played all the musical instruments soooo well that leaves me no regret for spending on the ticket.

the venue
the company :)

the reason why 25 thousands ppl gather at the stadium :)

something that i realised, concert is a good place to reflect. while i was watching leehom playing guitar, i can feel that he is so in love with music, so in love with the things that he is doing now. people always say, do the things that u are interested, then u will succeed. but this is the first time i have seen someone soooo into the things that he is doing, so in love with the things that he is doing. i believe this is the key to success, loving the things that u are doing, and doing the things that you love. because of his passion for music, because of his belief in sharing music with other people, he is who he is today.

i hope i can stand out one day and say, medicine is something that i want to do, it is something that i love. i guess it will happen some day. and only then i will become a great doctor. one day.

somehow during the concert, i suddenly remembered the quote that xy once shared with me, if you love something, set it free, let it go, if it comes back , it is yours. looking at lee hom, this is what i felt yesterday. if his parents,who are of medical background stop him from involving in music, stop him from singing, producing musics, leehom wouldnt be doing what he likes now. and this will be plain torturous to be forced to do things that you don't like. and it will be a loss to the music industry. and this just struck me hard yesterday. if you love someone, let him/her to do the things that they like. if its meant to be, it will be :)

all in all, it has been a great experience:) looking at someone that i have admired for 10 years+ performing on the stage is my dream all along. and yay, i wasn't dissappointed by the perfomance. keep going, and keep producing good music, MUSIC MAN :)

a memorable night

Try to spot the similarities:2009

Gradnite 06

Asean Dance 05

yep, my theme color for all the three functions are maroon/red. not that maroon is my favourite color, but its just all coincidence. but after looking through the pictures from my old folder, i guess, i put in the most effort in this ball. at least, i dun look like lo-han fish like how i did in a levels prom! :P

anyway, THE day started off pretty well, like amazing race, rushing here there with the girls, getting ready for the big night. first stop, kuchai lama for our hairdo, followed by make up at clinique in midvalley.

finally, its 6pm. and there we were, all ready, pretty, handsome :) we were greeted by a gigantic fountain infront of the hotel lobby. not forgetting the grand ballroom.ah, heavenly.

then, it is followed by a night of taking pictures. i think, we have easily hit 500 pictures in just that few hours.

table 47!Girls:)roomie!
My hamsapest :)
Prom king!!i think i look cool in a vest! :P

and and and, the night ended with McD!!! :D after long cravings for fast food, i finally got my hand on my favourite sundae cone:):):)

and and and, happy birthday rm :) yep, cheers to this one year of ups and downs, lots of memories from studying, climbing mountain, running, fishing, baking, makaning, mms-ing, and all the silly arguments that we had. yep, i agree that our lives are measured by the people whom we meet. and knowing u, has really changed my life tremendously. thank you for all the positive seeds that u have planted in me !

destination

sadness, depression, dysphoria

are all processes. something that we must go through before we reach the

final destination:

happiness :)


i waited. i missed. i am confused. when will i reach the final destination.

anticipation

things have been happening very fast.and many great things are yet to come .

=imu ball on april 19th
=leehom's concert on may 2nd !!!!
=21km half marathon on june 7th
=conquering mount K on july 27th

celebrating the new member in the family, welcome to the world, joey :)

and its a coincidence that i am now learning reproductive system. the day you are conceived is also the day you won a swimming competition, competing with millions other contestants, so we are all a good swimmer. haha, what a way to put it!


counting down the days. and as it draws closer, my heart aches more.

''nobody else can make you feel the way you are feeling, except yourself''