bought two books at the mph book fair today. one of which by Paulo Coelho, one of my favourite author now. that's my reward after eos5. yay!

am currently reading a very inspirational book by Richard Carlson, given as a birthday gift by a friend. it's something that i turn to when i feel down as i am studying. it gives me the motivation and strength to continue on.

in the midst of preparing exam, everyone is busy with his/her own studies, including myself. but sometimes, i feel lonely. it's like suddenly your motivation will be sucked away. but there's no one to talk to, because everyone is so busy.

so that's when i turn to books. to music. to exercising. to tv. to swimming. to GREEN TEA ice cream ( this is bad, lol) , to walking at the park. i am learning to be independant, to stand up myself when i fall.

sometimes, all one need is just some encouraging words to hang on. i need to hang on. pffft, my immune system is breaking down. the flu is making me dizzy and drowsy for the past few days. but good thing is , i had enough sleep because of that :)

just one more month. one more month.

please remove my papez circuit for now.

there's this box at the right hand corner of facebook homepage. it's the suggestion box.

it says:

write on her wall.

i want to. it takes so much courage out of me just to click on her profile. how i wish she can reply. but i know it's impossible.

i'll fight this battle well. and i will fight it on your behalf as well, my dear friend.

simplicity

i dont't know since when, whenever i have lunch in the cafeteria, i will look at the guy who sells chicken rice at the stall. not that he is good looking or hot (lol) but its that he looks like he is contented with his life ( at least he appears to be) he lead a simple life, and yet he is happy. then i asked myself everytime, do you want to be like that?

many times, the answer is : why not? why bother struggling through this endless route, when you are not happy. but there are times, the answer is , no, because i know i will regret if i settle to anything lesser than what i could have achieve.

but i do envy people who lead a simple life. no worries. no troubles. a friend once shared with me, nowadays, everything is so complicated. everyone can complicate things, but it takes a genius to simplify things.

i read a book, '' A Kite In the Wind'' by Dr Chan Kar Yein not long ago. in that book, she shared bits and pieces about her life, on how she embrace simplicity and travel light in her life. it's not easy to be simple, yet it's not impossible.

i am learning to be simple . i want to be simple. i want a simple life ( selling chicken rice.lol..) but i know i can never be. because then, the person is just not me. but..at least i hope i can be ''simpler'' . having too much baggage, especially emotional baggage is a burden not only to one, but also to the people around you.

''Less is more'' Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

the first step of being simple, is to be grateful with everything that you have. even the small things. and today, i am thankful, not for a small thing, but for one of the treasures in my life. there just isn't any word in the dictionary which i can use to express my gratitude to this person who brought me to the world. she may not be the smartest mom, not the prettiest mom, but to me , she is the most perfect mom that anyone can wish for.

Happy birthday Mom! :)

i know you want me to be happy, and i wish you happiness in everything you do as well.

mooncake festival

it was mid-autumn festival yesterday.

i was invited to my baby-sitter's place for a dinner. so there i was, having dinner at a round table with my baby-sitter's family. a warm hearted family dinner.and at the sudden moment, i miss home so much, miss having dinner with my family, miss the conversations we had over dinner, miss the dessert/fruit after dinner. i miss the feeling of being part of a family.

but i feel grateful, being invited for the dinner, and they welcome me and treated me like part of the family. they even asked me to stay over and promised to bring me out for a nice breakfast the next day.

it has been long since i kept in contact with my baby-sitter. in fact the last time i saw her was the day before i went to kk. and i can't recalled when i last saw her before that.

she took care of me since i was born, up to 3 years old. i was really close to their family before they moved to kl when i was in primary school. besides taking care of me over the weekdays when my mom is working, they will bring me out on some weekends as they really treated me as part of the family. in fact, i call her 'ah ma' just like how her children call her.

soon after her family moved over to kl, i still send cards or letters to one of her daughters occasionally. but soon we lost contact with each other. and during one of my relatives wedding, my baby sitter attended as well, but i didnt get to meet her because i was at singapore that time.

meeting back them back again after so many years, somehow it's hard for me to reconnect back. it takes time perhaps. but i could feel that my baby sitter still care for me as much as how she cared for her own children.

and i feel blessed. blessed to be loved.

people talk about karma. it is the chair of cause and effect. what we did in the past will affect our present and what we are doing now will affect our future. who we are today will be reflected from the deeds we have done last time. if you do good today, you will be blessed in the future.

The Samyutta Nikaya states:

"According to the seed that’s sown,
So is the fruit you reap there from,
Doer of good will gather good,
Doer of evil, evil reaps,
Down is the seed and thou shalt taste
The fruit thereof."

something which i read in The Star today also triggered me to think that bless because you are blessed. do good, because you are blessed, not because you think that you will be blessed in the future. do good, because you are more fortunate than the least fortunate. do good, with good intentions, without any expectation in return of your actions. because good karma doesn't only mean doing good deeds, but also it's the good deeds with the good and correct motivations.

that day, i attended a talk organised by buddhist society. and the dharma speaker started with by asking us to share one thing that we are grateful of in life. as other people are giving their answers, many things came into my mind. and at that moment, i realised i am blessed with many things in life, things which i have always taken for granted.

Bless because you are blessed. and i believe that everyone is blessed in one way or another. it's a matter of whether you realise it, AND appreciate it or not.

someone asked me about buddhism the other day. and i am ashamed to say that i don't know much about my own religion. so now i have another thing to do post-eos, to take some time off to learn more about buddhism.

i always believe that everything happened for a reason. and something that happened on friday made me believe that sometimes, everything is really fated.

fate. do you believe in that? or do you believe that you have the power to change it?

wake me up when sept ends

currently listening: wake me up when september ends - greenday.

october is coming. it's scary , isnt it? that time passed so fast. some friends have actually asked what do i want for my birthday this year.

there's only one simple answer to this question, i want to be happy, to be how kairou used to be.

when was the last time i really feel happy? that was on the speedboat at kk, when queen was sitting beside me, and she turned and asked, how are you feeling? deep in my heart, i felt happy that time, if i can disregard the fear of coming back to uni.

msk is over. and soon ( tmr!!!) we will be starting cns, the last system. and again, the fear is back, after one week of break.

i know, soon all these will be over. but before that, there's one major giant that i need to overcome first. but the motivation is still not there. yesterday while i was sitting in the library, i looked around, everybody else is studying so hard. and i asked myself, shouldn't you be like them too? yes, i want to be like them too. at least, that's what i should be doing.

'' a feeling greater possessions, no matter of what kind they may be, will themselves bring contentment or happiness, is a misunderstanding. no person, place or thing can give you happines. they may give you cause of happiness and a feeling of contentment, but the Joy Of Living comes from within.'' Genevieve Behrend : The Secret

song of the month: october skies

Autumn brings a song I sing so desperately
These shattered dreams
October skies and city lights were all a blur
And high tide came washing them away
I said

september sky

life

spend a great ( not so productive ) raya weekend back in hometown + went for a 3 days trip at awana kijal, terengganu. it felt different to be there again. i can't explain what is the difference.

anyway, my relatives were there too. thus, bye bye to my study plan! was trying sooo hard to focus with the background of them playing/chatting away. but, some interesting observations which i noticed. there's really a big difference in the content of the conversations between adults and children.

adulthood: my parents and auntie uncle were talking about how to earn a better living, so as to better enjoy life and to prepare for a good retirement, and also to provide a better life to their offsprings.

children's world: my cousins were arguing away about some cartoons/ songs/ anything that they can argued under the sun. they were practically enjoying their life, without much worries.

not-so-adult-yet-not-so-children's world: i think i am classified in this category. recalling the conversations which i shared with my friends, i think we were talking about life most of the time. the purpose of life to be precise. maybe as we step into adulthood, we will gain a better understanding Of life. or maybe not. perhaps that time we will be too busy worrying about earning a living than understanding life. or perhaps human's mind function differently at different age.

haish. i think i failed to bring across the point that i wanted to point out. my brain is back there in my hometown. anyway, i guess, the important thing is to accept whatever that life has prepared for us with an open heart.

dying is not painful ( i am not so sure about this though ) ; but not living is worse!

oh, before i forget, there's one other conversation/monologue which i forget to mention.

baby's world: ee yek ta akkk moommomm.. translated as: i duwan to grow up! =P

joey and me ( sounds like marley and me . lol )

after 4 days 3 nights of report rushing, with only average of 3-4 hours sleep per night, i finally handed in the 60papes report today. didn't even know how i survived it, probably with yc's constant bugging (lol), and also with the-best-in-vista-and-some-say-bukit-jalil's-roti-pisang bought by hoay.wohoo.

joke of the day, i was too tired and took a nap right when i reached home. sooon when i woke up ( at 6pm EVENING) i went to the toilet and brush my teeth. who in the world brush teeth at that time of the day! haha =P anddd..the worse thing is, this is not the first time.lol.

lesson of the day, ignorance is really a bliss sometimes. the more you know, the more you are afraid to find out.

craving of the day, mom's home cooked curry fish head. slurpp! 5 more days! yay!

blessings of the day, had a good sleep last night and this afternoon after soooo long.

it has been a taxing week. rushing report, and at the same time trying to finish up the piled up notes. despite of the tiredness, every night i have the same problem. i think the sheep is bored of seeing me every night already. should try counting chicken or duck tonight.

'' catch myself
from despair
i could drown
if i stay here
keeping busy everyday
i know i will be
ok''
Gabrielle: out of reach

i am tired. really tired now. too tired to feel anything. it's less than one month. as the day draws closer, my fear is getting more and more.

but i have been pretty much occupied with things, things that i should be doing. i miss the feeling of being satisfied with myself, satisfied with whatever that i have accomplished.

and for the first time after sooooo long, i feel satisfied yesterday. i felt happy putting the fertilisers under the hot sun. felt happy weeding the plants. felt happy talking to the people at the home. because, at least i know i am useful. i know i can't help everyone out there. i know i can't make much difference in the society. but at least, i try my best to make a difference to people whom i come into contact with.

i read this from a book yesterday.
''what you focus on EXPANDS, when you let go of problems, they let go of you.''
~andrew matthews

let go.

on a random note, i found some random pictures =P

mom, bro, and myself -2mths old

convo magazine pic!

at least now i know the rice that i have eaten all these years are not wasted. i have changed so much, physically and mentally. i miss the times when i was young, naive and ignorant. when i look at my niece now, i realised there are things which i can learn from her. children are genuine. they show their feelings.

they smile, only when they really want to. and they don't need much to smile. they can smile at anything naturally. when i look at my niece, i smile, and that's the most sincere smile that i can put on, without much effort. it's sad that it needs a lot of effort to even smile now.
children cry. they dare to cry when they feel unhappy, anytime, infront of anyone. they express themselves freely , and to them, it's absolutely alright to do so. it's sad that it needs a lot of courage to cry infront of someone now, that you have to pretend to be strong all the time.

pfft. i don't want to grow old.

happy birthday px and leanne!

made this video for px's 21st birthday. really thankyou to those that put in effort to record the video . glad to hear from you guys from different parts of the world :)

happy birthday ah pox!

anddd not forgetting, happy birthday too, my LIANA :) :) :)

it's worse when

it doesn't matter anymore

or

it matters, but i don't care

or

i care, but i didnt want to let myself to feel anything.



it's scary how time flies and tick away just like that. but, i don't care. i am letting every second to slip out of my fingers just like that.

it's really funny how different things are, and how fast they can change without you realising it. but i don't care.

it's sad when..i stood at the balcony looking at the bright moon , dark sky with twinkling stars, but i don't feel anything anymore.

i know i am letting down people who cares.i am sorry. but i can't help it. now.

as you make a decision, you gain something, and lose something. i hope i am not losing myself as i take this step.

calling

calling.

infront of my study table, there's something that i wrote to motivate myself to keep going. it has been there for the past 1year+

there are two types of pain, pain of disciplining yourself or pain of regretting. it kept me going and going whenever i feel like stopping, because i chose to suffer the pain of disciplining over the pain of regretting.

then today, a friend of mine shared a quote with me.

'' self discipline without a goal is just equivalent to self punishment.''

well said!

and it kept me thinking for awhile. what's my goal? which reminds me of something that i read yesterday.

http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2009/8/31/lifefocus/4594116&sec=lifefocus

hmmm. hmmm. hmmm.

pain

pain.

i went running the other day, after so long. it felt sooooooo GOOD to sweat once again. the satisfaction was just great :D but then again, my ankle pain greeted me again after barely 15mins or so of running. but i feel happy.

but, next day, i went running again, despite of the pain. this time to the park that i really miss. i felt the same after running. happy. pain.

it's funny, isn't it? that we allow ourselves to suffer with the pain again and again, just for that transient moment of happiness. we know we are going to fall down if we step on the ground . yet, we chose to go ahead. and came back with wounds everywhere. again and again. irony.


'' as time passes, you will long less for what you had yesterday and experience more of what you have today''

~ letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb

i am learning to appreciate what i have now. slowly.

and today, when i was running in the gym, i look at the mirror in front of me. i look at every step that i've taken. i look at my leg movement. i look at my ankle. i look at the sweats. i feel the pain. but ignoring the pain, i continue. because i believe i will reach my target soon. sometime. some day.

'' when i am in a dark tunnel, i want to be with people who love me enough to sit in the darkness with me and not stand outside telling me how to get out''
~ letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb

so yep, thankyou again, just for your mere presence :)

Bad england

Bad england/chingland :P :P :P i shall dedicate this post to miss good england.lol.

more at : http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/talking_point/8220166.stm

which reminds me of a good example of bad england:

time: night
place: somewhere in kkb in yc's car
people involved: yc, me and miss good england

as the car stopped infront of the restaurant,

miss good england: yc ar, how do i EJECT MYSELF ar?
yc,myself: LONG PAUSE... ERRRR...
.....burst out laughing. hahahahaahaa

she meant how do i unbuckle the seat belt. lol. CD player mer...''eject''...hahahaa. sorry, miss good england. just thought it was funny :P dun worry, identity will not be disclosed to jaga your face. lol.

was webcaming with hamsap mus today to check out the fat cat that he cat-sit. that was when i realised it has been so long since i last use my webcam.
it has been so long.

sometimes, i don't understand myself. so please don't bother to.

anyway,
thank you, you, you and you :)

Sun

actually i am now supposed to be studying how reduced of sunlight exposure which lead to vit D deficiency,will cause osteomalacia. but i got distracted and attempted to edit a nice sunset picture taken at sutera harbour, kk.so here it goes.

May there be just enough clouds in your life to create a GLORIOUS SUNSET :)

i realised, i love msia more and more because of a simple reason, it's because of the sun :) lol. that's something that i found out after mount k trip. i can't live without sun. not because i want to prevent osteomalacia. lol. it's because i really enjoy the warmth of the sun. it feels good to be wrapped under the sun :)

joke of the day:
Q: what's the most common bone disease in malaysia?
A: osteomalacia !! lol.

Purpose

continuing from my previous post, isn't it a coincidence that imu is asking the pms students to write a narrative about their future plans when i was typing that last time. i guess, if i were asked to write that, i will really have a hard time coming up with something. this probably applies to most people.

what do i plan to do next? why do i want to do that?

i recalled asking myself why am i doing all these now? why am i here? what do i hope to achieve at the end of the day? why am i here in the world?

what is the ultimate purpose of life?

the answer will differ from person to person. the other day, i was looking through some facebook group set up in memory of a person who just passed away. there are just so many positive comments/messages left on the page. the person happened to collapse after his half marathon, and the coincidence is that he is of my age. at that moment, i just wondered, what would people write to/about me if the person is me? have i achieved anything in life that is worth mentioning? have i touched anyone's life in this 22 years? to me, it's like a report card, and all the people around you will be writing on that account of what you have done in your life.

the other day when i was at relayforlife, i saw a very meaningful message on a board. normally there's the date of birth and the date of death on a tomb.eg: (19.2.1930 - 20.7-1999) and what matters most is not the two dates, but it is the ''dash ( - ) " in between the two dates. this dash in between the day we are born and the last day of life represents the days we spent on earth, the things we have done in life, good or bad. how will my dash be next time? i hope it will be a good straight nice dash in between the two dates.

i don't know what are the answers for all the questions above. but one thing for sure is that i promise myself i will not make existence on this world wasted, i want to make a difference, at least to the people around me especially my parents. i know they have high expectations on me and the last thing i want is to dissappoint them.

i cant predict where i will be next time. i can't predict what i will be doing. i can't be sure whether i will be by their sides. but i will try my very best to make a difference in their life :)

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them. ~Desmond Tutu

i hope i am a gift to them :) which reminds me, time to call home!

Last weekend, i went to klang to visit my grandma and auntie. usual things that my relatives will ask since the day i entered imu are:

*what's imu ar? (lol! )
*when are u graduating?
*how many more years do you need to study?
*is studying medicine really that stressful?
*what do you plan to specialise in?

and of course, this time my auntie asked me the same questions again. and as a polite girl, i answered the questions patiently eventhough i have repeated it like n times already.

then while i was happily watching tv there, my auntie bombarded me some medically related questions. it's about her foot which is swollen occasionally, and i went ahead and press to check if its pitting or non pitting. she also complains of joint pain at the knee, which the doctor suspected of her having gouty arthritis. she was asking me how did the edema happen and how to prevent that from happening?

at that moment, i just stone there, trying to explain the different causes of edema in mandarin but i just couldnt find the correct words/terms. i thought i know the answer. but at that point, i just couldn't explain it out to a non-medical person. then how can i say that i have understood the concept? no way!

as albert eisntein has put it, ''If you can’t explain it to a six year old, you don’t understand it yourself.'' if i can't even explain such a simple thing to someone, then how can i say i have mastered whatever knowledge that i learnt all this while? oh man!

and last week was our seniors' graduation. i can't believe that in half a year time i will be graduating from imu bukit jalil before i continue on to clinical school. and in three years time i will be graduating from clinical school, which is when i have to put aside the protective shelter of a medical student and start to bear responsibilities as a doctor.

people around me are cracking their brain to choose the pms to continue for their clinical years. sometimes i really admire those who are so sure of what they want, so sure of their plans after graduating ; while i look at myself, unsure of anything at all, no plans after graduating and just choose to follow where the winds will bring me to.

''people take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.''

—

sigh. am i thinking too much again?!

moment

live the moment.

can we measure how much a person thinks? is there a measuring tape sort of thing to gauge whether a person is thinking too much? one of my friends always said i think too much. do i? the answer is probably yes if compared to the me last time. so yup, i will try to think less from now onwards. sometimes, i wish that i could care and worry less.


''memories were fine, but you couldn’t touch them, smell them, or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment had been, and they faded with time. ''
~PS i love you~

i should just live the moment and stop complaining about what i ''used to have''.

Run

run run run.

i miss running.
just in the previous post, i said that i will stop running for at least a month until my ankle is fully recovered.
and now i miss running.
i have the ''kaki gatal'' feelings and really just feel like taking my shoes and go to the park and run.
but i didn't.
i used to be stubborn and continue running despite of my ankle injury.
thus all the sufferings during the mount k hike.
i learnt my lessons.
so i will be patient, at least a month until it is less painful.

i think 4 years ago, i wouldn't imagine myself saying this : i miss running. in fact, that time i hated running a lot, especially the 2.4km in napha. blah, out of the 6 stations, i hated this a lot. you will see me complaining if there's PE on that day, because it will mean another 2.4km running. when did i start to love running? i think it's after i entered imu, where there's a very nice park nearby, plus the fact that i do not have much entertainment, i slowly pick up running.

i love the feeling of inhaling the fresh air in the park after a whole day of nerding in the room,of fresh air brushing through my hair. it reminds me of the beauty of nature and surroudings.

i love the view of beautiful sunrise when pull myself out of bed to run in the mornings ; of the view of beautiful sunset when i run in the evenings. it reminds me how i should start and end my days with a sunshine-like smile.

i love the sight of old people playing tai ji, of small children cycling in the park.it reminds me that i am not alone.

i love the feeling of feelining my heartbeats, of listening to my breathsounds. it reminds me that i am still alive.

from running 1 round , 2 rounds, 3 rounds, i have slowly built up stamina and took part in a few distance runnings.

Orange Run 08
9km
My first long distance run, but i didnt really take it seriously as half of the time we were busy taking pictures :P

Klang pacers' 12 oct 08
12km
The first run that i have taken seriously.

UPM charity run March 09
5km
i was one of the top 25 !! :)

Klang pacers' half marathon June 09
21.9 KM
my first half marathon !

this is not the end of my running journey. i will never stop running. i think only fellow runners will understand why do one runs. they are those people who gone through consistent trainings, people who put themselves through the sweats and pain, BUT deep down inside, know how GREAT it feels.

my old running shoe which has accompanied for easily a 100km. thankyou for the journey and may you rest in peace :)

the underutilized new shoe. the baton has been passed on to you and don't worry, i will be bringing you out to the park very often, SOON.

One thing that i learnt from running is that, you will never know what is your best, as you continue trying, each time, you will be surprised at the results, that you have improved each time. that's the reward. it has proved to me that i am able to do something that i have never imagined myself doing.

"Ask yourself: 'Can I give more?'. The answer is usually: 'Yes'."
-Paul Tergat, Kenyan professional marathoner

and with each step i take, one step, two steps, small or big steps, i know, deep down, i will reach the finishing line. and at the end of the day, i can say: i made it! and at that moment, you will realise, it's hard, but it's not impossible :) i know, i can make it too this time!

P/s: i have a date with someone to complete a full 42km marathon when we are 42 years old. and i know we can do it :)

Back!

i am back from KK :)

and thus celebrating the last part of P21KK -- prom, 21km, and our mount K hike.

it's a transition, something that i will remember deep in my heart, i would not say its a good one, but it's a transition that i've learnt a lot. and of course thanks to the GREAT company :)

the pics for kk that i have compiled ( pardon me for having so many of my pics in the album, coz i compiled it for my parents to see :) )

KK


and the journey of P21kk that queen has compiled :)

P21KK

some random things:

i've watched 3 movies in less than a month time, which is like more than the number of movies that i have watched last year.

Transformer: megan fox is hot wei! i know i am supposed to transformed after the movie, but sorry, i guess i am slow in things, but as i always put it, slowly but surely.
The proposal: we watched it in KK Growball cineplex ( what a name !! ) just because we have nothing to do. a-not-too-bad comedy , but never sit beside someone that laugh so loud to the extent that it will embarass you :P
Harry potter: i was once a potter fan, but during this 6th movie, i was trying hard to remember the story line throughout the movie. it's about time to read the series again!

i am going to stop running for a month, at least, to rest my poor ankle.

i feel grateful, really really grateful for the friends that i have.

and last nite, i feel really happy for something. it's not that hard afterall.

as queen put it, it's about time. and yes, i know it too. thanks for whatever that you have done for me up at the peak of mount K :)

i wanted to type out what we did in sabah, but i guess it's good up in my memory.i am starting to miss sabah already, to the extent that i dream of it two days ago. haha. or at least i miss the good times we had there.

awesome sunset that we saw on our way back from mount K.
i miss the sunset, and the people that i shared it with :)
quoting queen:the sun doesnt blind you, only makes things clearer. i think i am clear now.

Fear

today will be the last time at home, before i pack and return to kl. when i was eating breakfast with my dad this morning, on the way back, my tears just kept flowing at the thought of this, that i will be leaving my home soon.

there's this fear. fear of going back to vista, fear of going back uni, fear of going back to my routine. 3weeks being away from this was a good one, to keep myself from all the familiar things, familiar surroundings, familiar people. i know when i got back, memories will unfold, reminding me everything that once took place, and they are gone now. i am afraid that i will in the same state, same position again, as how i was 3 weeks ago. perhaps, everything will look the same, but how i feel will be very different now.

then again, i don't know if i am afraid that everything will be the same again, or i am afraid that everything will change.

this is going to be my last semester here in bukit jalil before i move to seremban for phase2, and it's going to be the last 6 months before most of my close friends are moving on to PMS for their phase2. i know i shouldn't be feeling this way now, i should be happy that i am going back, seeing all of them, and try my best to treasure the remaining the last 6 months together.

but i am scared. really scared. can i choose not to go back, mom? pls. i have lost the courage to say, i will try again tomorrow. the fear is conquering instead.



nataliedee.com

somebody please show me the light.

i am just a piece of glass pretending to be plastic. i break, i crumble..just cause i am not as strong as i have pretended to be.

what happened to all the positiveness?