today, i needed to talk to someone badly. someone, anyone. but only then i realised, i have no one to turn to. :(

now, i miss those days when i have roomates who are 'easily accessible' for me to bug. or friends whom i can message/call anytime when i am feeling stressed.

now, the only people whom i talk the most with are the patients in the ward. its nice to hear from people, about their life, but i have my life too.


i want to have a life. i want to share my stories with someone too.


geez. emoness is back in the air. sucks. it's just 2.5 weeks. don't remind me i have 2.5 years more.

stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you stand

Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

stand-Rascal Flatts

2weeks in surgery, it really felt like a candle in a hurricane. times like this, you hope you are not alone. even if you are alone, stand up, and you will be alright. at least i havent been pushed to the extent to drink dettol and end up in a&e. sometimes, when i look at the patients in hospital, i feel that my life is not that sucky afterall. at least i am healthy physically. but mentally? heh.


eeks, sometimes, people do things that they know they will regret. they know they will sulk after that.but they will still do it. why. i really wonder why. i am still sulking over it. pfft.

the feeling sucks when you suddenly realised the very person that you have been protecting shoot you right in the heart. the only lesson you learnt would be, never ever trust a person 100%

its scary when a person can portray such a innocent image infront of everyone, but deep inside, the person has got motives for every move. the lesson learnt would be, never ever judge a book from its cover.

as a friend said when she was drunk, life sucks. yes. life sucks :(

after all the borinnnnggg briefings for a week, lesson proper is gonna kick start on monday. yay to that. at least there's no need of sitting in for some stupid dull briefings. but i foresee the challenging life ahead. challenging, is better than boring after all .

i know soon everything will be fine. just cause i believe in it.

1 day ! and i am leaving my homesweethome. i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan. pfft. and i got my postings list yesterday. surgery-internal med- family med. and i complain complain and complain to my mom. i pray that i can get family med first, just because i need time to settle down and slowly start my engine as the new semester begins.

and my mom asked me: when u are having your meal, do u eat the drumstick first or the timun-tauge-greenpea-onion first? of coz the latter. since young, i have the habit of keeping the food that i like to the last on the plate, and after i finish all the unnecessary-disgusting-food then only i will slowly savour my favourite food.

thats right. think positive man! i need to think positive. just as the chinese saying goes, 先苦后甜. first bitter then sweet. yes. i can do it man! a friend told me that she is excited that semester is starting soon, because that would mean a new life. a different life. yes, i hope to have a new life too. a happy life .

i want to be happy because , not despite .

quoting from a chapter in dale carnegie's:

The value of smile

It costs nothing, but create much

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give

It happens in a flash, and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits

Yet it cannot be bought, borrowed, begged, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till its given away.

the smiley which is with me for the past 1 year+ given by balala :)

yesterday, i was searching through my drawer, for some pretty postcards to decorate my room in seremban. thats where i keep the postcards which are sent by friends and also those which i have collected in singapore. lots of them. colourful ones, meaningful ones, inspiring ones, funny ones, hamsap ones. from different parts of the world. and i hoping for more to come, as many of the hamsaps are soon flying to everywhere, and i will get to collect more of them. to enter the 'wall of fame' , just send the entry form to me okay * hint* ;p

i like this one the most, given by my angel, kevin when i was playing angel and mortal game during JC times. so apt ler for now:)

i plan to put all these colourful postcards on the wall. this will definitely cheer me up when i am studying. and not forgetting my LEEHOM posters. i found back the poster which i got in sg, the one which kh, sy and myself went all the way to jurong east ( or was it bishan) to get it signed by LEEHOM :D that was my first meeting with him. wahahahaha.. wahahahaha..wahahahaahaa..

HAHA. i look so noob that time.

another noob moment, i found back many letters in the drawer, dated as old as 1997, sent by my primary school mates. we were so noob back then ler. sending each other snail mails during holidays when we were just staying few km away from each other. and oh man. my chinese handwriting was sooooo bad back then. haha. i miss those times. and those things we did. things we did when we are innocent and childish ;p

talking about childish, i just had so many childish comments on my fb wall on my status : MISU MISU! ahhhh, i am so in love with the drama! especially xiao xiao bing :D

MISU MISU :D :D :D

HWS

HWS- holidays withdrawal syndrome.


i think i am getting pre-HWS. just last night, i was counting the days which i can slack like this - finish novels in one sitting, watch drama without any guilt, sleep till mid-afternoon,and continue napping after lunch, go jogging for as long as i want, on the tv and watch nothing, sit on the couch and do nothing, kacau ppl from different parts of the world for nothing - basically just doing nothing.


and count down: its 10 days more! walau. 10 days !!! how cannnnnn??? !!! i am not done slacking yet!


hahah, actually i am sort of grateful that uni is starting soon, at least i dun need to keep complaining to people that i feel siensted. i bet i will regret saying this line as soon as seremban starts. i foresee that it's gonna be like from heaven to hell. pffft.


and finally, the dreaded chinese new year is over. since young, i never like cny ( excluding the angpau and new cloths part). every year, i have to drag my fat butt back to segamat, which is my parents hometown during cny. not that i dislike going back, but i just don't anticipate the idea of 60 people squeezing in one house. with 10 families all back home, you can imagine the havoc man! and the heat wave this year is not helping much! my room is just like an oven. i feel like a roasted rabbit. lol..



but i am happy that i get to see my grandparents. although my grandpa now doesnt recognise anyone, to see him walking eating sleeping healthily is good enough. and when i saw my dad kneeling down to cut toe nails for my grandpa, that image hit me. i was really touched. that simple small act.


it reminded me of the times when my dad kneel down and cut nails for me, when i was still a small child. and that moment, i tell myself, i will take care of my parents, just like how they took care of me last time.


its a lamentable fact that more and more people are casting the older generations away because they are unable to do anything by themselves, hence categorised as burden. but aren't we all like that when we are young, can't walk,eat, change cloths, go to toilet on our own, and who are the ones who patiently did all that for us? of course its our parents ( i am not talking about rich families with 10 maids and 5 babysitters )


thus, no matter how reluctant i am to go back to segamat during cny, i will still go back. because i know that's something which the old people has long anticipated. i know my grandma has started buying all those new year stuff one month back. all the preparations just to celebrate the reunion of the family. her smile, her smile is all that is worth it for me to just stay in the oven for few days.


and of course, not forgetting, her smile too :)

i couldnt find the card reader to include a latest picture of her, but here's a picture of her when she is still a obese baby ;p now she is soo thin already ler.

read.read.read

my attempt to try to brush up some of my clinical stuff before uni starts has proved to be a failure. pfft..





on a fine monday morning, me being very enthu, carried my osce manuals to the library. and just being the curious me, i went to browse through the shelves since i havent stepped into this library for ages. i still remember, i used to go there every week, to the children's section to read childish story books, like RL stine, my all time favourite last time. so noob eh. haha..





anddddd, guess what i found on the book shelves in the adult section! whole collections of paulo coelho novels! haha, you cannot imagine how happy i was wei! that will save my wallet so much , because i was planning to buy his novels since now seremban imu libary most likely wont be as luxurious as bj's one. and i also found many other authors' novels which i am interested in reading.





so, instead of csu manuals, i was reading tony parsons' novel, man and wife. i rmb some time ago,some hamsap recommended me to reading tony parsons. but unfortunately, i couldn't find his best selling novel man and boy, so i chose to read the sequel to it. and, guess what, i buried myself in that book, and finished it in one morning! bliss :D :D :D the kind of satisfaction you wont get from reading one whole book of clinical medicine. haha..

the novel, not bad, i would say, but not very much the type of genre i like. but i did enjoy the satisfaction of finishing a book in one sitting :D



and, i have borrowed a few more books back to read before cny! ahah! i guess, the csu manuals can wait ;)

something worth reading :)

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/26/haiti.doctors.lessons/index.html


somewhere which i hope to be in, in a few years time.

penang

saw this interesting status shout out on fb :

就算是Believe 中間還是有個 lie ; 就算是Friend 最後還是會有個 end ; 就算是Lover 最後還是會 over ; 就算是forget 也要先 get才行。

hmmm...

got back from penang on monday, and stayed over at kl for few days before i came back to kuantan. home sweet home. home is really sweet :) and to my surprise, after all the stuff-your-mouth-with nice penang food trip, i lost 3kg. ohoh! and i even asked my mom if the weighing machine is not functioning well already. haha. and i am half dead after i reached home, having sorethroat, slight feverish, headache, and ulcers all over my big mouth ( with the size of my big mouth, you can imagine how many ulcers i am having now)

having to travel from east to west then up north on the bus, 4 hours to kl, then 5 hours to penang, then 5 hours back to kl and another 4 hours to kuantan, i have learn my lesson. that is to plan ahead my travelling trips, so that i can get to book air flight at a low price, and don't need to make my poor butt suffer for so many hours. not complaining though, at least i get to meet the hamsap gang and also had the chance to lame around for few days :)

bye bye penang, bye bye nice-yummy-good-food, and bye bye hamsaps! till we meet again (soon!) :)

when i came back, only then i realised that i was in penang, took the same highway to penang on a bus to penang, a highway which took away one of my good friends 2 years ago. i still remember, it was january 25th. i have always wanted to visit her family. but i just didnt have the chance ( or maybe courage) to do so.

ok, back to hibernating!

why i am lame?

and yes, i always wonder, why am i lame? and today i got the answer ( i think i knew the answer long ago, but what happened justnow had just testified what i suspected all this while ;p)

we went to the pasar malam justnow. my parents and myself. while we are walking..

dad: eh, look, there's hair in the drink that they sell there..

( as i was about to show the disgust in my face ) ... guess what i saw? CINCAU in the soya drink! walau... i cant believe somebody just said that cincau is hair...

dad: eh paiseh mar! i didnt look closely enough...

and now, please don't blame me for my lame-ness. and don't ask me whyy. i was born with that wei!

and just as i came home, i got a offline message from my dearest ex-ex-roomie. haha. she sent me a email with folders, and when i look at the title of the folder ---'' k** h*** singing ''( i shall not disclose the name here, lol ) , i almost puke. lol... sorrry la, haha, but i am just not used to ..people being so confident of their own voice. but i would say, its not that bad la.. :)

so now, another reason, why i am so lame, just coz i have funny friends ;) or i should say, i am blessed with funny friends and family.

i think i am bit sot already, must be the siens-ness. must be! anddd, i just did a test sort of thing on facebook. walau, the results just made my day ! :D:D:D:D:D some certain small things ( which i know very well myself that its not true ) , deceiving yourself to make yourself happy is a good thing , sometimes :)

came across this very meaningful poem, which according to paulo coelho, its written by a japanese poet, Mitsuo Aida, reminding us the importance of innocence.

Because it has lived its life intensely

the parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.

The flowers merely flower,

and they do this as well as they can.

The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley,

Doest not need to explain itself to anyone;

It lives merely for beauty.

Men, however, cannot accept that 'merely'.

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,

they would look completely ridiculous.

I am always amazed

that so many people are concerned

with wanting to be what they are not;

what's the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don't always have to pretend to be strong,

there's no need to prove all the time that everything is goingwell,

you shouldn't be concerned about what other people are thinking,

cry if you need to,

it's good to cry out all your tears

( because only then will you be able to smile again )

easier said than done. ''merely'', how many people can actually settle down by just being ''merely''?

i was nagged into doing spring cleaning yesterday ( spring cleaning, and spring onion, i like neither! ) i discovered a lot of '' treasures'' as i was cleaning up my stuff, including mr siukeong which i have later killed it, so sorryy mr siukeong!

and then, i found one whole stack of university application documents, and also some acceptance letters. among it, i found the offer of asean undergraduate scholarship by nus. IF i were to accept it, my parents wouldn't have to fork out such a big amount for me to study now; IF i were to accept it, i will be graduating as a pharmacist/bioengineer next year! IF i were to accept it, i might be doing some exchange programme, like all my other friends, in UK/US; IF i were to accept it, i don't need to flood my brain with anatomy-physio-patho-pharmaco blah blah.

so many IFs, and i asked myself, do i just want to settle with 'merely' that? i have my regrets, but i know it's too late. sometimes, there's just no U-turn in life. you just gotta keep going. but, i am starting to gain back my enthusiasm for medicine, which i have once doubted.

1 month more to clinical school, i know i am going to enjoy this 2.5 years :) and it's my bro's 31st birthday today. oh man! i can't believe how old he is already. haha. i am already feeling so old with a '2' infront of my age. imagine a '3' ! my goodness. perhaps that is what u called, maturity ;p

Have you ever wondered, why people always expected you to smile when taking photographs? i guess, it's because they hope that in the future, there would be something to smile about. and also for the hope to capture that very moment. that happy moment.

the one on the left was taken dec2005, and the one on the right taken jan2010. same place at awana kijal :)

4 years, i guess, nothing much has changed., physically ( besides the extra few kgs ;P ) but many things have taken place since then. i realised, i always like to compare now and then. don't know whether its a bad habit of mine, but it's good for myself to evaluate if i have improved throughout the years.

and nope, i am not emo, jh :D still surviving despite the siens-ness.

p/s: new year's resolution is to stay emo-less ( hmm, or at least, try to reduce the emoness :)

老妈常说我做事都是三分钟热度，

我在想，

如果爱情可以那样，

会好吗？

有时，寂寞会让人做出很多傻事，

愚蠢了，

是时间就该醒醒，

可能， 就像 michael buble 唱 那样， just haven't met you yet.

why the long hiatus?

it was THE eos. don't want to elaborate much on it. it's my worse exam in imu, yet, when i received the results, i was grateful. of the ''P'' printed on the slip. and suprisingly, it was my best eos results eh :D i seriously have the bad feelings that i was going to fail, after all the stupid ''thought inserting'' by someone on the day before results.

but, i was also really really happy with the small A printed beside my ICA for MSK and CNS, the toughest system of all. and this is attributed to the fact that i have the best best best faci for my pbl this semester, dr nkm :)

the card that we made for him ( special thanks to justin! )

then the post eos!

right after the osce briefing, i spent a quality hour with fat queen. it's something that i definitely going to miss , no, actually i am starting to miss the time that we have. it's gonna be at least 2 months or so before we can spend time together like this. pfft. this fat pillar has been really supportive throughout the pre-eos period. the encouraging messages, calls, greentea cookie, etc , or even just a simple hug were really what keeping me strong during that testing period. so yup, thankyou so much hamsapest! :)

beside this fat pillar, i am also really thankful that i have this group of supportive friends. friends who always suan me, some who always being suan-ed by me ( most of the time! :P) and most importantly, friends who always care for one another :) and yes, we have all conquered this battle together.

and it's family time :) i have been lazing around at home for the past few days ( weeks). part of the reason why i didn't update my blog is that i was tooooo lazy to think. to reflect. and sometimes, to feel. it really amazed me ( and my parents too! lol) on the number of hours that i can sleep/hibernate in a day. haha.

but one of the things in my to-do-lists is that : do nothing. yes, to do nothing at all for a few days, maybe for a few weeks. because i know i really need that.

something that paulo coelho wrote, ''someone once compares experience to a kind of huge spider's web suspended in the chamber of consciousness and capable of trapping not only what is necessary, but airborne particle as well. ''

so now, it's time for me to clean this airborne particles.

but i get bored easily. lol..

sometimes, you need to learn to hold on; and other times, you need to let go.

learn when to hold on, and when to let go.

neither is easy.

''if you think holding on is hard, wait till you try to let go''

~

for now,

just one more week! i have to hold on. tightly. with my remaining strength.

one down and another one in 2 weeks time.


and just before my exam, my phone and my laptop crashed one after another. and there goes all the things stored in both of them.


thankfully most of my stuff are in the external hard disk and thus most of the documents in my laptop ( or my brother's one to be exact) are saved. but the sad thing about my phone is that most contacts,messages,pictures that are stored inside are gone too! :(


i have a habit of safe keeping meaningful messages sent to me. these are the messages which often encourage me when i am down, messages which draw a smile on my face, messages which bring back great old memories, messages which are even lamer than SLE disease ( So-Lame-Eh ! lol ) and many many many other messages.


if i am not mistaken, the oldest message in my phone was dated as old as in july 2007. and pooffff, everything is gone. i was upset. that everything is gone just so easily. i didn't have a chance to re-read everything before its gone. i didn't have a chance to save it to somewhere else.


then again, at that moment, i was reminded of something which i once said to xy. her laptop also crashed sometime ago and all the documents including all the pictures were gone all together. and that time, i told her, as the old memories are gone, it's time to CREATE new memories.


i know, i should apply this now. when something is gone, it's gone. the messages may be gone together with the phone, but the memories shall be kept up in my mind. and it's time to create new memories to replace some of the old ones. perhaps it's god's way of telling me that i should forgo all these things and it's time to move on.


i will be leaving bj in 2 weeks+ time. bj,its a place which stored so much memories, just like my phone. sometimes, i wish my brain can function like a phone, where any unwanted item can just be deleted by clicking a button. then again, given that button, i wouldn't delete any of the memory here.


because, i know next time, i will smile when i look back at all these. all these memories, be it happy ones, sad ones are part of who i am.i know one day, i will smile and feel proud of myself for going through all these. one day, that day will come, if i just stay strong and hold tight. one day.


and for now, without all those encouraging messages in my phone that i used to read when i am feeling demotivated during exam periods, i have turned to reading a book. it serves as a gentle reminder on how life can be different if you take it in another way.


besides, on my study table, i have a bottle of hearts. given as my birthday gift this year :) and they are my soure of motivation whenever i am feeling down. ( the only trouble is to fold it back after i read it. lol)


and i want to share something which is in one of the hearts ( unfortunately, a pink-ish-and purplish decorated one, lol)


'' the future is not something to be scared of, take a look at your hands. in future, your hands will save lives, your hands will carry your children, your grandchildren; your hands will hold that of your life partner, your hands will hold what makes you happy. embrace yourself, the best if yet to come :)''


well said and nicely put. thankyou! :)

bought two books at the mph book fair today. one of which by Paulo Coelho, one of my favourite author now. that's my reward after eos5. yay!

am currently reading a very inspirational book by Richard Carlson, given as a birthday gift by a friend. it's something that i turn to when i feel down as i am studying. it gives me the motivation and strength to continue on.

in the midst of preparing exam, everyone is busy with his/her own studies, including myself. but sometimes, i feel lonely. it's like suddenly your motivation will be sucked away. but there's no one to talk to, because everyone is so busy.

so that's when i turn to books. to music. to exercising. to tv. to swimming. to GREEN TEA ice cream ( this is bad, lol) , to walking at the park. i am learning to be independant, to stand up myself when i fall.

sometimes, all one need is just some encouraging words to hang on. i need to hang on. pffft, my immune system is breaking down. the flu is making me dizzy and drowsy for the past few days. but good thing is , i had enough sleep because of that :)

just one more month. one more month.

please remove my papez circuit for now.

there's this box at the right hand corner of facebook homepage. it's the suggestion box.

it says:

write on her wall.

i want to. it takes so much courage out of me just to click on her profile. how i wish she can reply. but i know it's impossible.

i'll fight this battle well. and i will fight it on your behalf as well, my dear friend.

simplicity

i dont't know since when, whenever i have lunch in the cafeteria, i will look at the guy who sells chicken rice at the stall. not that he is good looking or hot (lol) but its that he looks like he is contented with his life ( at least he appears to be) he lead a simple life, and yet he is happy. then i asked myself everytime, do you want to be like that?

many times, the answer is : why not? why bother struggling through this endless route, when you are not happy. but there are times, the answer is , no, because i know i will regret if i settle to anything lesser than what i could have achieve.

but i do envy people who lead a simple life. no worries. no troubles. a friend once shared with me, nowadays, everything is so complicated. everyone can complicate things, but it takes a genius to simplify things.

i read a book, '' A Kite In the Wind'' by Dr Chan Kar Yein not long ago. in that book, she shared bits and pieces about her life, on how she embrace simplicity and travel light in her life. it's not easy to be simple, yet it's not impossible.

i am learning to be simple . i want to be simple. i want a simple life ( selling chicken rice.lol..) but i know i can never be. because then, the person is just not me. but..at least i hope i can be ''simpler'' . having too much baggage, especially emotional baggage is a burden not only to one, but also to the people around you.

''Less is more'' Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

the first step of being simple, is to be grateful with everything that you have. even the small things. and today, i am thankful, not for a small thing, but for one of the treasures in my life. there just isn't any word in the dictionary which i can use to express my gratitude to this person who brought me to the world. she may not be the smartest mom, not the prettiest mom, but to me , she is the most perfect mom that anyone can wish for.

Happy birthday Mom! :)

i know you want me to be happy, and i wish you happiness in everything you do as well.

mooncake festival

it was mid-autumn festival yesterday.

i was invited to my baby-sitter's place for a dinner. so there i was, having dinner at a round table with my baby-sitter's family. a warm hearted family dinner.and at the sudden moment, i miss home so much, miss having dinner with my family, miss the conversations we had over dinner, miss the dessert/fruit after dinner. i miss the feeling of being part of a family.

but i feel grateful, being invited for the dinner, and they welcome me and treated me like part of the family. they even asked me to stay over and promised to bring me out for a nice breakfast the next day.

it has been long since i kept in contact with my baby-sitter. in fact the last time i saw her was the day before i went to kk. and i can't recalled when i last saw her before that.

she took care of me since i was born, up to 3 years old. i was really close to their family before they moved to kl when i was in primary school. besides taking care of me over the weekdays when my mom is working, they will bring me out on some weekends as they really treated me as part of the family. in fact, i call her 'ah ma' just like how her children call her.

soon after her family moved over to kl, i still send cards or letters to one of her daughters occasionally. but soon we lost contact with each other. and during one of my relatives wedding, my baby sitter attended as well, but i didnt get to meet her because i was at singapore that time.

meeting back them back again after so many years, somehow it's hard for me to reconnect back. it takes time perhaps. but i could feel that my baby sitter still care for me as much as how she cared for her own children.

and i feel blessed. blessed to be loved.

people talk about karma. it is the chair of cause and effect. what we did in the past will affect our present and what we are doing now will affect our future. who we are today will be reflected from the deeds we have done last time. if you do good today, you will be blessed in the future.

The Samyutta Nikaya states:

"According to the seed that’s sown,
So is the fruit you reap there from,
Doer of good will gather good,
Doer of evil, evil reaps,
Down is the seed and thou shalt taste
The fruit thereof."

something which i read in The Star today also triggered me to think that bless because you are blessed. do good, because you are blessed, not because you think that you will be blessed in the future. do good, because you are more fortunate than the least fortunate. do good, with good intentions, without any expectation in return of your actions. because good karma doesn't only mean doing good deeds, but also it's the good deeds with the good and correct motivations.

that day, i attended a talk organised by buddhist society. and the dharma speaker started with by asking us to share one thing that we are grateful of in life. as other people are giving their answers, many things came into my mind. and at that moment, i realised i am blessed with many things in life, things which i have always taken for granted.

Bless because you are blessed. and i believe that everyone is blessed in one way or another. it's a matter of whether you realise it, AND appreciate it or not.

someone asked me about buddhism the other day. and i am ashamed to say that i don't know much about my own religion. so now i have another thing to do post-eos, to take some time off to learn more about buddhism.

i always believe that everything happened for a reason. and something that happened on friday made me believe that sometimes, everything is really fated.

fate. do you believe in that? or do you believe that you have the power to change it?