leehom::)

i received some really funny comments last week.

1) my aunt, whom i didnt meet for about 2 years came back from taiwan.

she said: did u grow taller?
me: errr, i didnt grow taller for the past 6 years ( in fact i think since sec3 , lol...)aunt: i think u look much taller now.
me: err...
aunt: eh, all your pimples gone ady?
me: i don't have much pimples since last time...
aunt: the last time i came back you are not that pretty ler..

2) i met up with my secondary school classmates, one of them i havent seen for about 2 years as well after she went over to study in nz.
friend: ehhh, u look like u have grown taller!
me: errrm, i think i didnt!
friend: u must go and measure your height soon.
me: kkkkkkk =.=
friend: you hair is longer now, you look prettier also.

hahahahahahahaa. sorry. i am just being me. but i did not make up the above stories okay ;p
but, after two person asked if i have grown taller, maybe i should really go and check my height soon. and now i wonder, was i really THAT ugly last time . center parting is not THAT bad right.. lol.. that explains why i am still single now... huhuuuuu.

maybe i just haven't met the right guy yet.
the right guy
:) how can a guy be so talented, so good looking, and sooo attractive! :)


the right guy. is there such thing? i wonder. but like what yc said last time, i am going to scold my future husband when i meet him, coz he made me waited for so long. lol...

new template

yay! i finally have a new template. sorry for the previous template, its eye straining. i know i know. lol.. the change in distance between my eyes and my comp screen is telling me that i need a new specs soon ;p

but yes, new template! :) when u see me blogging so often, it means i am getting bored already. lol. and when u see me changing my template, means mushrooms are growing on my body already.

to kill time, justnow i was rearranging the stuff in my phone. havent been using much of its function, except for calling and messaging. lol. sorry mr touch2, i will try to fully utilise u, after i upload some programmes. anyway, while i was browsing through the pics which i have captured, i found that:

50%: my niece's pictures :))
20%: pics of ppl sleeping in class ;p
10%: blood results, med articles, etc
10%: pics of myself when perasan-ness kicks in :D

10%:random pics of the sky :)

some of the pictures from mr touch2:


my niece, after eating panmee :) i guess, we can say cuteness is something that can be inherited, probably autosomal dominant :)

yes, have i said this before, if there's one thing i love about seremban, its the sky:) the skyline in seremban is something which u cannot see, elsewhere ( maybe at least in kl la ;p) but yes, its sooo wonderful :) it totally made my day every morning as i see the sunrise, especially during my surgical posting when i need to reach the ward by 7am. ahhh. bliss :)

yes yes yes, i know i look so lady-like. lol. and nope, i didnt buy that dress.
yes yes yes, i know it looked nice on me ( lol) , but i know i just wont wear it so often la. you know me ;p and in case u wonder, i am not so vain/bimbo-ish .i dun take pictures of myself in fitting room THAT often k. this is one of the few rare instances ;p and if u look closer, u can see mr touch 2 in this pic too! :)

i am back!

i am back, after so long! :) 3 weeks break, something i have been looking forward to since forever. i need it badly.

surgery-done, int medicine-done, family medicine-done

and yesh, i am done with my first semester in clinical school. time really flies. i still rmb the first day when i stepped in surgery ward 5 months ago, a noobie that time. ah, sometimes, i do miss being noobie, at least i can afford to be ignorant. saw sem10 taking graduating pics the other day, after they passed their eos10. ah, i hope to be there one day. one day, i will be there :)

how did all my postings go?tiring, exhausting, but at the same time fullfilling. everyday in the ward is a new learning experience. i complain complain and complain, day in day out, but somehow when i looked back now, i am thankful for the learning experience, coz i know it will be worse when i am the houseman next time.

the only thing i hope to have now is a shoulder to cry on, someone whom i can turn to to share my joy and sadness, a person whom i can depend on. i have friends, we share how bad our days was, how weird the patient we met, comparing who has the worst day. but coming home, i face the 4 walls in my room, cant help but feeling lonely. i wish my very good friend is here with me, giving me the big fat hug i miss so much, everytime i am feeling down.

anyway, jiayou everyone, wherever you are, whatever you are doing! :)

Oncology

came across this article as i was reading an oncologist's blog.

Just say die

''Dying, which was once viewed as natural and expected, has become medicalized into an unwelcome part of medical care. ''

''Worse, death has become medicine's enemy—a reminder of our limitations of medical diagnosis and management.''

Patient's death, should not be treated as medical failure. it's terribly hard to lose a patient, and its even harder to tell a patient that he/she is going to die.

oncology. haishh.

down down down

i need someone to tell me,

how do we keep the energy level high, when everyone around you looks so lethargic/ill?

how do we stay positive, when you are 'greeted' by 4 deaths early in the morning?

how do we stay happy, if you encounter people crying everyday?

it seems, laughing is an offense. seriously.

i know i have to keep going. i need something to keep me focused.

我累了

喜欢一个人可以变得好累。

我真的累了。

是时候放手了。

我相信， 雨过， 就是天晴。

可是，为社么， 这场雨，

下了这么久还没停呢?

happy mother's day:)

it's mother's day today.

i really really really want to go home.

but i cant :(

the notes that are piling up, the reports that are piling up, the list of things-to-do is going on and on.

just this week, i didn't call my mom for 3 days. and she tried to call me. and coincidentally, my phone ran out of battery while i was in the ward at night. when i reached home at 11pm, saw so many missed calls and message from her. i felt so bad. that i made her worried.

i spent so much time in the ward, trying to understand the patients, trying to understand each disease better, comforting them not to be worried, while i leave the very person that love me worried.

this is just the beginning. and i am already like this. how will the next few years be like?

i always say that i am a family oriented person. REALLY? now i doubt.

i miss home so much :(

somethings in life are easier once we do it n times. like taking blood, inserting IV line. repeat repeat repeat and you will improve. i wish it applies for leaving home as well. but no, it's so hard to step out of the door each time. it never will be easy.

5 more weeks.

life as of now

internal med.

not as crazy as what i have thought. at least i still have time to breath :)

before we enter internal med, we kept saying, we will miss surgery. i still do. but i think i m starting to like internal med already. the patients. the ward. the houseman. the doctors. and my ward-mates, and of coz most importantly the lecturer. i got a cardiologist as my mentor. andddd, i really fall in love with him wei. the way he explained how the heart works is just amazing. never had anyone can explain medicine so well.

despite the craziness, my life is still so dramatic.i duno how long more i can take this wei. but i was happy to be in the shit hole again. i mean. i am happy. but at the same time i feel pathetic. i duwan to come out from the shit hole. but at the same time i know i need to be out of it.

i duwan tragedy to repeat itself. i shall promise myself, there wont be part 2 of 1 litres of tear.

the other drama of my life. duno how to describe it. but, i just hope i don't hurt anyone just as how i was hurt, eventhough it means losing yet another friend.

a night which ended well, a webcam session with my hamsapest all the way from her new room in philadelphia :) somethings just don't change. and it is this things which i appreciate the most :)

it's so easy to describe everything in one word, confused. it practically covers everything. and u dun need to explain yourself after that. just coz you are confused.

i hate it when people tell me that they are confused.

but now, i am confused, too.

i really dun understand myself.

that just reminds me of the way my niece looks at me. lol.

i am already excited now. the anticipation. it's amazing how my pulse rate still fluctuate at that split second. its amazing how i can still catch my breath at that moment.i thought i am desensitized. but obviously i am not. geez.

radio was playing the song fall for you by secondhand serenade yesterday night. after so long. it just reminded me of someone. it still does. it also reminded me of the days which i play it every single night before i sleep. whereby it accompanied my tears. just coz it reminded me of someone.

A lecturer said to us,

everyone has got his fullstop. and we doctors create havoc as we try to move or change the fullstop.

sometimes, i cant help but to agree with this statement.


end of posting exam is over. this marks the end of surgery posting. i cant believe i am saying this, but i think i will miss surgery!! i didnt like it initially, probably because i was still a lost soul that time. but till the end of the last few weeks, especially when i switched to ward 3A, i totally fall in love with surgery :)

and despite the rumours on the 'malignant' lecturer of 3A, our group totally respect and admire him. he is the best best best lecturer of all :) eventhough i have to wake up at the wee hours, and be in the ward before 7am, and 'attempt' to cover the whole ward each day, i have no complaints. just coz i know he wants the best out of us. he has my respect :)

now, i am happy. back at home. and can you believe it, i actually slept 16 hours yesterday! time to recharge before the super hectic internal medicine posting starts.

you don't drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis Cole


it's not easy to come out of it. it looks simple. i thought is not hard. but, its really that hard.


sometimes, i hope i can be least dependant to others.

i did a few mistakes on friday. i was so dissappointed with myself. i still feel so guilty now. to the patient. and to the family. it wasn't something big, but somehow i still feel so sorry. pfft. and, one senior told me, dun worry, at least now you learnt.

i always wonder, if i am going to hurt someone in my process of learning, then i already break hippocrates oath, Primum non nocere - first do no harm.

but, the only thing i can do now is to keep learning. hopefully one day i will be really competent.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

that was the question i have been asking myself since i stepped in to hospital 4 weeks ago.

and i still don't know the answer yet.

i don't know how long more i can keep walking in this dark tunnel.





andd, another question i really want to ask you, why?

today, i needed to talk to someone badly. someone, anyone. but only then i realised, i have no one to turn to. :(

now, i miss those days when i have roomates who are 'easily accessible' for me to bug. or friends whom i can message/call anytime when i am feeling stressed.

now, the only people whom i talk the most with are the patients in the ward. its nice to hear from people, about their life, but i have my life too.


i want to have a life. i want to share my stories with someone too.


geez. emoness is back in the air. sucks. it's just 2.5 weeks. don't remind me i have 2.5 years more.

stand

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

You'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause it's all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you stand

Then you stand

Life's like a novel with the end ripped out

The edge of a canyon with only one way down

Take what you're given before its gone

Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up

And get back in the race

One more small piece of you

Starts to fall into place

stand-Rascal Flatts

2weeks in surgery, it really felt like a candle in a hurricane. times like this, you hope you are not alone. even if you are alone, stand up, and you will be alright. at least i havent been pushed to the extent to drink dettol and end up in a&e. sometimes, when i look at the patients in hospital, i feel that my life is not that sucky afterall. at least i am healthy physically. but mentally? heh.


eeks, sometimes, people do things that they know they will regret. they know they will sulk after that.but they will still do it. why. i really wonder why. i am still sulking over it. pfft.

the feeling sucks when you suddenly realised the very person that you have been protecting shoot you right in the heart. the only lesson you learnt would be, never ever trust a person 100%

its scary when a person can portray such a innocent image infront of everyone, but deep inside, the person has got motives for every move. the lesson learnt would be, never ever judge a book from its cover.

as a friend said when she was drunk, life sucks. yes. life sucks :(

after all the borinnnnggg briefings for a week, lesson proper is gonna kick start on monday. yay to that. at least there's no need of sitting in for some stupid dull briefings. but i foresee the challenging life ahead. challenging, is better than boring after all .

i know soon everything will be fine. just cause i believe in it.

1 day ! and i am leaving my homesweethome. i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan i duwan. pfft. and i got my postings list yesterday. surgery-internal med- family med. and i complain complain and complain to my mom. i pray that i can get family med first, just because i need time to settle down and slowly start my engine as the new semester begins.

and my mom asked me: when u are having your meal, do u eat the drumstick first or the timun-tauge-greenpea-onion first? of coz the latter. since young, i have the habit of keeping the food that i like to the last on the plate, and after i finish all the unnecessary-disgusting-food then only i will slowly savour my favourite food.

thats right. think positive man! i need to think positive. just as the chinese saying goes, 先苦后甜. first bitter then sweet. yes. i can do it man! a friend told me that she is excited that semester is starting soon, because that would mean a new life. a different life. yes, i hope to have a new life too. a happy life .

i want to be happy because , not despite .

quoting from a chapter in dale carnegie's:

The value of smile

It costs nothing, but create much

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give

It happens in a flash, and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever

None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits

Yet it cannot be bought, borrowed, begged, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till its given away.

the smiley which is with me for the past 1 year+ given by balala :)

yesterday, i was searching through my drawer, for some pretty postcards to decorate my room in seremban. thats where i keep the postcards which are sent by friends and also those which i have collected in singapore. lots of them. colourful ones, meaningful ones, inspiring ones, funny ones, hamsap ones. from different parts of the world. and i hoping for more to come, as many of the hamsaps are soon flying to everywhere, and i will get to collect more of them. to enter the 'wall of fame' , just send the entry form to me okay * hint* ;p

i like this one the most, given by my angel, kevin when i was playing angel and mortal game during JC times. so apt ler for now:)

i plan to put all these colourful postcards on the wall. this will definitely cheer me up when i am studying. and not forgetting my LEEHOM posters. i found back the poster which i got in sg, the one which kh, sy and myself went all the way to jurong east ( or was it bishan) to get it signed by LEEHOM :D that was my first meeting with him. wahahahaha.. wahahahaha..wahahahaahaa..

HAHA. i look so noob that time.

another noob moment, i found back many letters in the drawer, dated as old as 1997, sent by my primary school mates. we were so noob back then ler. sending each other snail mails during holidays when we were just staying few km away from each other. and oh man. my chinese handwriting was sooooo bad back then. haha. i miss those times. and those things we did. things we did when we are innocent and childish ;p

talking about childish, i just had so many childish comments on my fb wall on my status : MISU MISU! ahhhh, i am so in love with the drama! especially xiao xiao bing :D

MISU MISU :D :D :D

HWS

HWS- holidays withdrawal syndrome.


i think i am getting pre-HWS. just last night, i was counting the days which i can slack like this - finish novels in one sitting, watch drama without any guilt, sleep till mid-afternoon,and continue napping after lunch, go jogging for as long as i want, on the tv and watch nothing, sit on the couch and do nothing, kacau ppl from different parts of the world for nothing - basically just doing nothing.


and count down: its 10 days more! walau. 10 days !!! how cannnnnn??? !!! i am not done slacking yet!


hahah, actually i am sort of grateful that uni is starting soon, at least i dun need to keep complaining to people that i feel siensted. i bet i will regret saying this line as soon as seremban starts. i foresee that it's gonna be like from heaven to hell. pffft.


and finally, the dreaded chinese new year is over. since young, i never like cny ( excluding the angpau and new cloths part). every year, i have to drag my fat butt back to segamat, which is my parents hometown during cny. not that i dislike going back, but i just don't anticipate the idea of 60 people squeezing in one house. with 10 families all back home, you can imagine the havoc man! and the heat wave this year is not helping much! my room is just like an oven. i feel like a roasted rabbit. lol..



but i am happy that i get to see my grandparents. although my grandpa now doesnt recognise anyone, to see him walking eating sleeping healthily is good enough. and when i saw my dad kneeling down to cut toe nails for my grandpa, that image hit me. i was really touched. that simple small act.


it reminded me of the times when my dad kneel down and cut nails for me, when i was still a small child. and that moment, i tell myself, i will take care of my parents, just like how they took care of me last time.


its a lamentable fact that more and more people are casting the older generations away because they are unable to do anything by themselves, hence categorised as burden. but aren't we all like that when we are young, can't walk,eat, change cloths, go to toilet on our own, and who are the ones who patiently did all that for us? of course its our parents ( i am not talking about rich families with 10 maids and 5 babysitters )


thus, no matter how reluctant i am to go back to segamat during cny, i will still go back. because i know that's something which the old people has long anticipated. i know my grandma has started buying all those new year stuff one month back. all the preparations just to celebrate the reunion of the family. her smile, her smile is all that is worth it for me to just stay in the oven for few days.


and of course, not forgetting, her smile too :)

i couldnt find the card reader to include a latest picture of her, but here's a picture of her when she is still a obese baby ;p now she is soo thin already ler.

read.read.read

my attempt to try to brush up some of my clinical stuff before uni starts has proved to be a failure. pfft..





on a fine monday morning, me being very enthu, carried my osce manuals to the library. and just being the curious me, i went to browse through the shelves since i havent stepped into this library for ages. i still remember, i used to go there every week, to the children's section to read childish story books, like RL stine, my all time favourite last time. so noob eh. haha..





anddddd, guess what i found on the book shelves in the adult section! whole collections of paulo coelho novels! haha, you cannot imagine how happy i was wei! that will save my wallet so much , because i was planning to buy his novels since now seremban imu libary most likely wont be as luxurious as bj's one. and i also found many other authors' novels which i am interested in reading.





so, instead of csu manuals, i was reading tony parsons' novel, man and wife. i rmb some time ago,some hamsap recommended me to reading tony parsons. but unfortunately, i couldn't find his best selling novel man and boy, so i chose to read the sequel to it. and, guess what, i buried myself in that book, and finished it in one morning! bliss :D :D :D the kind of satisfaction you wont get from reading one whole book of clinical medicine. haha..

the novel, not bad, i would say, but not very much the type of genre i like. but i did enjoy the satisfaction of finishing a book in one sitting :D



and, i have borrowed a few more books back to read before cny! ahah! i guess, the csu manuals can wait ;)

something worth reading :)

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/01/26/haiti.doctors.lessons/index.html


somewhere which i hope to be in, in a few years time.