First post for the new year!
2013 has been a great year, filled with lots of new experiences and opportunities. I remember myself writing on the white board during my usmle step 1 preparation, I want the KR of 2013 to thank the KR of 2012. And I really want to thank the KR of 2012, for making such big decision, to take the road which is less traveled, to make every effort for making all these come true. I am happy and proud to be where I am now.
Moving across to the other side of the earth 10000miles away from home is not easy. Packing up all my things into 2 luggages was relatively easier compared to packing up all the feelings, leaving behind friendships, comfort and most importantly family behind.
Lots of 'first' time happened. Sitting in the plane witnessing two sunrises, two sunsets and yet your destination is still far away, jumping off the plane to a place whom you know no one, taking a cab to an address which you have no idea, putting your body through the lowest temperature it can ever withstand.
I made friends. Friends whom I never will see again. Having to say Hi for the first time and saying goodbye for the last time, knowing that you both will most probably won't meet again, and the 'keep-in-touch' will unlikely to happen.
Nothing is ever easy.
But, with all these, I grow. I have learnt the best way to move about, to know how many layers I should wear at a temperature of 30F, to survive. And all these are priceless. Things which no textbook in the world will teach you.
They say, the best people inspire the best in other people. I am truly humbled and inspired by the people whom I met.
My circle of life was a very small one, a very comfortable one. But I am glad that I chose to step out of it.
20 days to match day. I really hope I can continue this journey of mine. And one day, I hope to share all these stories when I come home. I have put in my best effort, hopefully all things will work out well. *fingers crossed*
Same old tradition, I hope the KR of 2015 will look back and thank the KR of 2014 for giving her best, and make 2014 a fruitful year. I hope for the same for everybody.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Monday, December 09, 2013
things to share
Am reading this book called God never blinks by Regina Brett, it's about 50 lessons for life.
Been feeling inadequate these days, until I read this line in the book,
''the last time I climbed out of the 'I am not enough hole', I prayed, 'how will I ever believe that I am good enough?' The answer came in that small still voice from my heart:' By helping others believe that they are good enough.''
'' Don't try to fill anyone else's shoes. The world doesn't need you to be Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Michael Jordan, Maya Angelou or Bill Gates. The world needs you to be you.''
Been feeling inadequate these days, until I read this line in the book,
''the last time I climbed out of the 'I am not enough hole', I prayed, 'how will I ever believe that I am good enough?' The answer came in that small still voice from my heart:' By helping others believe that they are good enough.''
'' Don't try to fill anyone else's shoes. The world doesn't need you to be Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Michael Jordan, Maya Angelou or Bill Gates. The world needs you to be you.''
Friday, November 22, 2013
away from home
it's been 3 good months away from home. Finally I have time to sit down, after all the crazy interviews ( I do hope more will come). It's good to be home here in Tucson. Not exactly my home -home as in Malaysia, but I feel good to be back.
Interviewers asked, do you have family here in US? I answered no, but I should have said, I do not have family here, but I do have friends who treat me like family members.
Going to interviews made me miss home even more. Questions like what are your long term plans? What made you want to come to the states? Tell me more about Malaysia.
And so I was reminded of my purpose. My goals.
It's a mixed bags of feelings. Something which is hard to explain. I am sure any Malaysian expatriate will understand this.
The grass is always greener on the other sides. Things are definitely much better here. But certain things, like comfort and the familiar feelings are something which can't be found here.
I remember sharing my experience in Singapore in one of the interviews. Going to Singapore was an eye opening experience. I was from a small town, Kuantan, I am confined to the small city, not knowing how big the world outside can offer me.
Yes, it changed my life. The two years in Singapore. Looking at how this small dot can progress, it is definitely a big slap on the face. We have so much more potential, in terms of resources and talent. But it is just wasted away.
Stepping out of my comfort zone. That's a big step I made. It's not easy. Nothing is ever easy. Saw this quote: the number one reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten.
I have gone this far. Further than I thought I could. I always welcome surprises. Also opportunities. They said, opportunities are for people who are prepared. I agree!
Interviewers asked, do you have family here in US? I answered no, but I should have said, I do not have family here, but I do have friends who treat me like family members.
Going to interviews made me miss home even more. Questions like what are your long term plans? What made you want to come to the states? Tell me more about Malaysia.
And so I was reminded of my purpose. My goals.
It's a mixed bags of feelings. Something which is hard to explain. I am sure any Malaysian expatriate will understand this.
The grass is always greener on the other sides. Things are definitely much better here. But certain things, like comfort and the familiar feelings are something which can't be found here.
I remember sharing my experience in Singapore in one of the interviews. Going to Singapore was an eye opening experience. I was from a small town, Kuantan, I am confined to the small city, not knowing how big the world outside can offer me.
Yes, it changed my life. The two years in Singapore. Looking at how this small dot can progress, it is definitely a big slap on the face. We have so much more potential, in terms of resources and talent. But it is just wasted away.
Stepping out of my comfort zone. That's a big step I made. It's not easy. Nothing is ever easy. Saw this quote: the number one reason why people give up so fast is because they tend to look at how far they still have to go, instead of how far they have gotten.
I have gone this far. Further than I thought I could. I always welcome surprises. Also opportunities. They said, opportunities are for people who are prepared. I agree!
Friday, November 08, 2013
From one side of the world
Been in the states for 2 months. To many, this is like a dream. To me, it is like a dream coming true. My close friend said, she is glad to see I am achieving my goals one by one. I am thankful and grateful for whatever I have been through this 2 months. It's a life changing one.
It didn't feel like 2 months. I remember stepping out of the airport at Tucson airport, greeted by gigantic cacti and the dry hot weather. Followed by going to my mentor's house. He is really one great man, without him, I wouldn't be where I am now. First question he asked me was what is your goal here. Of course, after 35 hours of flight, I was very slow in my response. However, he laid out what I should focus and be clear with my goals here in the states. That was my very first impression of him - focused and intense.
Then, I met many many many other people whom I owe a lot during my stay. These people have have helped me in one way or another, making me feel very at home. I admit, there are times which I miss home a lot, miss the comfort of home, miss the convenience of things, things which I have taken for granted. Comfort zone, yes, the circle which I missed. But I always believe we need to step out of comfort zone in order to succeed. Staying comfortable in one's circle is not going to bring us far.
Travelling to the big city in the states made me realise the world which I was in was so small. Felt like a really small fish in a big pond. Had the opportunity to join the world largest interventional cardiology conference in SF. It was amazing. I am truly inspired by how all these great people coming from different parts of the world, gather in one place, and how they passionately describe on their discoveries, sharing the new skills. I hope there is one day, this small fish can contribute whatever she gained here in the big pond back to her original pond, hopefully play a part in expanding the pond.
Preparing for interviews made me sit down and reflect. Simple questions like ' Tell me about yourself, why do you want to do internal medicine, why United states, etc ' are things which I never really took time to question myself. And I am very happy after my first interview when both the interviewers commented that I have really good exam scores. It felt like all my hard work paid off. I can imagine the day when the match results are out. I hope things will go smoothly.
My goal was to secure a residency here in the states. But I can proudly say that I have learnt more than that. There is definitely more in life than that. I am blessed to be given this opportunity to see what I have seen, to hear what I listen, to have chosen this path. I am hoping can my loved ones can share this blessings which I have. I hope the next time I update I will have more good news to share.
It didn't feel like 2 months. I remember stepping out of the airport at Tucson airport, greeted by gigantic cacti and the dry hot weather. Followed by going to my mentor's house. He is really one great man, without him, I wouldn't be where I am now. First question he asked me was what is your goal here. Of course, after 35 hours of flight, I was very slow in my response. However, he laid out what I should focus and be clear with my goals here in the states. That was my very first impression of him - focused and intense.
Then, I met many many many other people whom I owe a lot during my stay. These people have have helped me in one way or another, making me feel very at home. I admit, there are times which I miss home a lot, miss the comfort of home, miss the convenience of things, things which I have taken for granted. Comfort zone, yes, the circle which I missed. But I always believe we need to step out of comfort zone in order to succeed. Staying comfortable in one's circle is not going to bring us far.
Travelling to the big city in the states made me realise the world which I was in was so small. Felt like a really small fish in a big pond. Had the opportunity to join the world largest interventional cardiology conference in SF. It was amazing. I am truly inspired by how all these great people coming from different parts of the world, gather in one place, and how they passionately describe on their discoveries, sharing the new skills. I hope there is one day, this small fish can contribute whatever she gained here in the big pond back to her original pond, hopefully play a part in expanding the pond.
Preparing for interviews made me sit down and reflect. Simple questions like ' Tell me about yourself, why do you want to do internal medicine, why United states, etc ' are things which I never really took time to question myself. And I am very happy after my first interview when both the interviewers commented that I have really good exam scores. It felt like all my hard work paid off. I can imagine the day when the match results are out. I hope things will go smoothly.
My goal was to secure a residency here in the states. But I can proudly say that I have learnt more than that. There is definitely more in life than that. I am blessed to be given this opportunity to see what I have seen, to hear what I listen, to have chosen this path. I am hoping can my loved ones can share this blessings which I have. I hope the next time I update I will have more good news to share.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
The end of something and the start of something
8th August marks the last day of my service in the ministry of health. Submitting my resignation letter a month ago felt just like a day ago. Time really really flies.
It's a great feeling. To see how you yourself have grown so much. I am so amazed to see how much I have grown through these hardship. They say, housemanship is tough. They say, housemanship is torturing. I say, housemanship has made me a better person, a better doctor.
Reading some of the experiences of my friends who are doing housemanship in other hospitals, I am grateful that I am sent to where I am now to do my housemanship.
Bidding farewell has never been easy. Leaving this place where I spent almost 15hours/ day 7 days/week for the past few months is not easy. I am glad for the friendship I have made in this few months. I am glad for the experience I had.
Last day of work, with lots of unforgettable experience. The most malignant specialist, who shouts at everybody and everything, who is so anal about things, narrate even 'bracket', 'arrow'. He is one of its kind. Issued 'DNR-do not resuscitate' to two families. I can't spell how difficult it is to do it, eventhough I have done it so many times. Followed by assisting a pleural tapping. This patient, I have managed her during her last admission, until her discharge. with underlying advanced stage IV lung Ca, she is definitely holding it up very well. very optimistic lady. never complain a single word when we attempt so many times to insert long CVP line for her. Now she is readmitted, on the first day of Raya, looking very ill. The smile which she used to have, is masked by the pain of the disease. I hope she will continue to hold on. My last day was highlighted by a patient who was trying to abscond away from the ward and created a big drama. lol.
I hope I never regret this choice which I have made. Quitting my job and chasing after my dream. Leaving this place in a week time. I know this journey will definitely make a different person. I just hope this change will make me a better person. I look forward to it.
It's a great feeling. To see how you yourself have grown so much. I am so amazed to see how much I have grown through these hardship. They say, housemanship is tough. They say, housemanship is torturing. I say, housemanship has made me a better person, a better doctor.
Reading some of the experiences of my friends who are doing housemanship in other hospitals, I am grateful that I am sent to where I am now to do my housemanship.
Bidding farewell has never been easy. Leaving this place where I spent almost 15hours/ day 7 days/week for the past few months is not easy. I am glad for the friendship I have made in this few months. I am glad for the experience I had.
Last day of work, with lots of unforgettable experience. The most malignant specialist, who shouts at everybody and everything, who is so anal about things, narrate even 'bracket', 'arrow'. He is one of its kind. Issued 'DNR-do not resuscitate' to two families. I can't spell how difficult it is to do it, eventhough I have done it so many times. Followed by assisting a pleural tapping. This patient, I have managed her during her last admission, until her discharge. with underlying advanced stage IV lung Ca, she is definitely holding it up very well. very optimistic lady. never complain a single word when we attempt so many times to insert long CVP line for her. Now she is readmitted, on the first day of Raya, looking very ill. The smile which she used to have, is masked by the pain of the disease. I hope she will continue to hold on. My last day was highlighted by a patient who was trying to abscond away from the ward and created a big drama. lol.
I hope I never regret this choice which I have made. Quitting my job and chasing after my dream. Leaving this place in a week time. I know this journey will definitely make a different person. I just hope this change will make me a better person. I look forward to it.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Real doctoring
It's been long since I updated my blog.
So much to share.
It's been 4 good months. I completed all my steps, got my ecfmg certified :)
Started working in the very hospital which I was born. One thing for sure, I have learnt a lot not only from my seniors, I have also learnt a lot from my patients. Recalling back, I could not even put in a intravenous line properly without trembling. The palpitations when I had before my first night shift. I am very amazed with how I have progressed.
They said, you have to be grateful for what you have. I have to say, I must be the luckiest person on earth. I have very good superiors who have guided me along the way.
Tiring yes, but everyday, I look forward to go to work. Everyday is a new day for me to learn. The more I learn, the more I realise I am so inadequate.
I dealt with life and death everyday. Seeing patient gasping their last breath is not a good feeling. Pronouncing death was not pleasant. The straight line which we used to see on TV is something I hate to see on the cardiac monitoring after an hour long of resuscitation. But it is unavoidable. It also makes me realise, the difference between being alive and dead is just the breath that you are taking.
I am very honoured, to be able to be so close to someone's life. I will never forget the moment when there was once, relatives of a patient came over to me and shake my hand and thank me after I finished my night shift. I was taking care of this patient for few weeks. His condition was deteriorating so fast that we actually have no idea what disease he was having. At one point, his relatives were giving up, they just want to know the answer. We did dozens of test/scans, still, there was no conclusion. And on that very morning after I pass over my job to my colleague and was about to go home, the patient took his last breath. I didn't know that until the family members came over and thank me. Only then I found out from my colleague that the patient passed away. Still, there was no answer to what he was having. I feel really sad and dissappointed. We were too late. But I could see the patient's family members were really thankful of me.
Being a doctor has been my childhood dream. I dream of wearing the white labcoat, with the pretty stethoscope around my neck, and being called, Doctor. Now, I am a doctor. It wasn't like how I dream. But I am truly happy to be one. And I would say, I have never regretted the days which I spent crying due to the stress in medical school. Because, now I know, there's a reason for the pain. It is to lessen the pain of my patients. There are times when despite trying our best, we still lose the patient, but I have learnt to accept. We can only do our best, after all, it is still up to god.
I am going to leave this place soon. 18 more days. Hopefully I won't regret my decision. May we all excel in whatever do.
So much to share.
It's been 4 good months. I completed all my steps, got my ecfmg certified :)
Started working in the very hospital which I was born. One thing for sure, I have learnt a lot not only from my seniors, I have also learnt a lot from my patients. Recalling back, I could not even put in a intravenous line properly without trembling. The palpitations when I had before my first night shift. I am very amazed with how I have progressed.
They said, you have to be grateful for what you have. I have to say, I must be the luckiest person on earth. I have very good superiors who have guided me along the way.
Tiring yes, but everyday, I look forward to go to work. Everyday is a new day for me to learn. The more I learn, the more I realise I am so inadequate.
I dealt with life and death everyday. Seeing patient gasping their last breath is not a good feeling. Pronouncing death was not pleasant. The straight line which we used to see on TV is something I hate to see on the cardiac monitoring after an hour long of resuscitation. But it is unavoidable. It also makes me realise, the difference between being alive and dead is just the breath that you are taking.
I am very honoured, to be able to be so close to someone's life. I will never forget the moment when there was once, relatives of a patient came over to me and shake my hand and thank me after I finished my night shift. I was taking care of this patient for few weeks. His condition was deteriorating so fast that we actually have no idea what disease he was having. At one point, his relatives were giving up, they just want to know the answer. We did dozens of test/scans, still, there was no conclusion. And on that very morning after I pass over my job to my colleague and was about to go home, the patient took his last breath. I didn't know that until the family members came over and thank me. Only then I found out from my colleague that the patient passed away. Still, there was no answer to what he was having. I feel really sad and dissappointed. We were too late. But I could see the patient's family members were really thankful of me.
Being a doctor has been my childhood dream. I dream of wearing the white labcoat, with the pretty stethoscope around my neck, and being called, Doctor. Now, I am a doctor. It wasn't like how I dream. But I am truly happy to be one. And I would say, I have never regretted the days which I spent crying due to the stress in medical school. Because, now I know, there's a reason for the pain. It is to lessen the pain of my patients. There are times when despite trying our best, we still lose the patient, but I have learnt to accept. We can only do our best, after all, it is still up to god.
I am going to leave this place soon. 18 more days. Hopefully I won't regret my decision. May we all excel in whatever do.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
t minus 11
t minus 11 to the exam. been running low on motivation. came across this video which is really inspiring. Actually watched this during my ck preparation, but this time it makes more sense.
Whoever who are on the same boat as me, may all of us succeed in this exam. It's definitely not easy. but we really can't let this exam define who we are. definitely should never let this exam stop us from achieving what we want.
It's that close. really close. I have to give my final push.
I just want to pray that I can have a good sleep and rest during this final phase of preparation. Please grant me the peace, confidence, strength to pull through this.
It's that close. really close. I have to give my final push.
I just want to pray that I can have a good sleep and rest during this final phase of preparation. Please grant me the peace, confidence, strength to pull through this.
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