inspirations

As the days draw closer, ( t-14days), my adrenaline is pumping more and more. I do care on how I perform on this exam, not only for the money and time spent, also its a good gauge on where do I stand.

Today, as I scroll through facebook as my entertainment, ok, I know my life is boring, anyways, I felt soo proud of my university, seeing juniors winning national awards,reading my batchmates posts on good perfomance in hospital, admiring how my senior completed and winning 100km trail and making a new national record.

Yes, I have met countless inspiring figures along this journey. What we, the mighty mortal can achieve is unimaginable. What was impossible is made possible. All these things never failed to make me stop and reflect, and what human mind can actually achieve.

And I am truly grateful for being able to meet these people, for being my inspiration, for making me believe in miracles.

Yes, I hope to be one inspiration to others, maybe not now, but future, I hope that this journey of mine can help to inspire others. I hope that with the same insane perseverance which I have been pushing myself with these few years, I can achieve a greater height.

May us be the blessings and inspirations to people around us.

A new chapter of life

It's october! Been away from the blog for too long. Yes, I have graduated, finally. Although I am slightly disappointed that I couldn't achieve my goal, but well, that's life.

''A champion is defined not by their wins but by how they can recover when they fall.'' Serena William -US Open 2012 champion. 

I shall not look back.

Quoting from a friend, we are still considered kindergarten in this journey of medicine. There are much more to come.

and yes, today marks the first day of work for many of my friends! Wherever they are, wish they luck and hopefully with the knowledge which we have acquired in this few years, they will be able to return back to the community!

So what about me? I am choosing another path. Just like the poem by Robert Frost, The Road not Taken, I am taking a far different road, road to the states. Am reading for my steps now, step by step. Taking a baby step each day.

Here's a link to a journal dedicated to my preparations. There are so many many other people out there who are also taking this route, many are mothers of a few, juggling between work, studies and family. So I feel rather 'lucky' to be able to read this step in peace.
http://www.prep4usmle.com/forum/thread/113195/

And yes, 2012, more magical moments to come.

I want the krou of 2013 be able to thank krou of 2012 for making this decision, taking this big step, and to thank krou of 2012 for persevering and working hard. yes. I want to be able to thank myself ( and of course people who have helped me a lot along the way) when I look back.

No regrets. No more.

the very last lap

been missing for some time. partly because I have been very much spending 90% of my time typing for the past few months as part of my assignment to graduate. thankful that the period is over. and now is the final lap. going to have my final exam as medical student in two weeks time.

Also realised I have been changing a lot, over the few months, years, without myself realising. gonna need some reflections after my exam.

Can't wait to plan for my trip to the US after exam. also gotta restart my engine for the prep for USMLE.

every second does count.

jiayouuuu, i believe we can achieve whatever we can dream of, if we put in the extra bit of effort. till then, wish me luck!:)

Life as of now

Life has been very much up and down recently. But I have made a very important decision, one which will affect my life. Standing at this juncture reminded me the time when I was in singapore, to choose to stay or coming back to malaysia. Making decision has never been easy.

But, the situation in back home is really ... I cant find a word to describe this. But I am hoping to get myself trained elsewhere, to be more competent, and hopefully can come home and contribute this place which i call home.

Been reading a few non medical books this few weeks to help myself to make decision. 'Life in three countries, In search of a Home' which describes a doctor's path in searching home, and how he tried so hard but being rejected by his own home country, and finally settling down in another place.

I hope by then time I come home, I will have a better luck. It may seem as an excuse that I am running away now. But to contribute when I am at the bottom of the food chain is not easy. So, I am making a promise here to myself, I will come back, hopefully as a better doctor to help improve the condition back home.

Saying that I want to improve or to contribute to the country may sound very noble or very hypocrytic to some. Perhaps, I can say it is more for a selfish reason. I want to be trained under a structured system. I don't want to be led by a blind, and then blindly leading somebody. why? because we are dealing with lives here.

Trust me, to make this decision to leave home, again, after 7 years away from home is not easy. No words can describe how much I miss home. Looking at my parents when i went home last week, I realised they have aged so much. As I grow up, they are growing old. I once read an article, if you realised that the kitchen in your house is no longer as clean as how it used to be, if you realised your dad's car is not as cleaned as last time, if you realised there are some unrepaired furniture at home, it means your parents are growing old. And, I took time to observe my home during my trip home last week. And true enough, everything at home was different. My mom did not realise my light was not functioning, and she was working under the dimmed light for so long. I cried after the discussion with my parents that I have decided to try my luck to go to the states. But they supported my decision. It was hard, but finally, I have made up my mind.

Yes, I am going to take this exam. And, in the mean time, I may or may not go for housemanship first, depending on my speed of revision. Wish me luck, guys! I really need to do this well.

hello!

Hello from Batu Pahat:) so much have happened since i last posted.

firstly, i passed my final professional exam part 1. and i am really grateful for all the supports, from my parents, and also friends who continuously gave me motivation, especially hwee for her kind words :))

then, the move to this small town called Batu Pahat. it's my 4th week here. slowly, i am adjusting myself to this small town, to the mini imu white house, smaller hospital, and new house environment.

life's crazy so far. facing computer almost like 16 hours a day, i just felt so tired everyday. life is just about portfolio, sleep, eat. somehow, it wasn't as fullfilling as other semesters. I hope its just because i am still not settled down yet.

also, my very hamsap got matched to the programme which she wanted. paediatrician in the house yo! i am so proud of her :)

got my new phone and feel so updated now. lol. the invention is amazing. and i am grateful.

been contemplating much about my life. my future. need to decide fast as we just had our housemanship briefing last week.

living for other people's expectations has never been more tiring. living to please other people is even more tiring.

it's good to make people happy, the first person should be yourself.

happy chinese new year!

yes, it's been long.

had my last posting, gynae here in seremban.

2 more weeks its eos 9. yes 2 more weeks! my very last written paper as medical undergraduate.

2 years, i had met many patients, many doctors, seen so many things. all these enriched my journey in this field. yet, there's still so much more to learn.

humility, something which is so important.

i shall work hard for this remaining 2 weeks. i want to end my medical school well and i will try my best to.

yes, go go go!

happy new year and happy chinese new year! may this year brings lots of blessings to us and may we be the blessings to the people around us.

it's the end and the beginning!

last day of 2011. a year with ups and downs. much loss and much gain.

first week of gynae was not too bad. probably because most lecturers were on leave that we get to skip home early. ward is also not very crowded. not much cases.

something my prof said, which is very inspiring.

' you don't work for reward, you work for excellence and reward will automatically come to you'

learning makes me realise how much i do not know. it's always a life long journey. everyday, i learn to be a better person, a better doctor.

this shall be my motto for 2012.

may 2012 bring everyone lots of love and happiness.

christmas

it's christmas! merry christmas!

had a well spent weekend with family. it was a much needed break, away from all the routines , for me to take a breath before the last lap.

i am really really grateful to have such supportive family, who is always there for me, without which i wouldn't achieved what i have today. being in a traditional chinese family, it's rather hard to express my love to them, but i do hope my actions say it all! thank you.

kept an email in my draft box. contemplating if i should sent it. forgiving is forgetting. there should be a full stop already. i have been dwelling over it for way too long. it's gonna be a new year after all. yes. i am gonna start it right. with the correct mindset.

i will put all my might and strength in the right place. that is to study hard so that i won't be one of those doctors who received multiple complaints. i must be a competent one.

gynaecology! i will so nail you down!

medicine as it is

back to internal medicine posting. one of my favourite postings. wait, i enjoy most of postings, right. lol.

anyway, it's been a tough posting. so much to cover. so little time. less than 7 weeks to eos. stress is building up. i just feel like quitting. i know i can't.

been feeling really drained out. the journey seems never ending. and the journey gets lonelier as i progressed. it's really tiring to try my best in everything. sometimes, i wonder would it be better if i settle for something lesser? but then again, will i regret if i look back next time?

been thinking whether should i just stay here in malaysia for my housemanship? things would be simpler. no hassles. no headache. just follow the flow.

there's a thin line between trying too hard and try your best. i am tired. really.

那些年

watched this show justnow. it just brought back so much memories.

i miss those days when love can be so pure. no lies, no cheating, no excuses. love is just love. 纯纯的爱，蠢蠢的我们.

tears were shed, laughters were shared, but those moments were precious. i really really miss those moments.

as years gone by, falling in love is no longer the same thing. in fact, falling in love and out of love hurts more than falling down and failing. and this just made me feel reserved for love, for loving someone again.

simplicity and sincerity. both are like panda, facing extinction.

can you believe it's december?

NOOOOO! seriously, time flies. i know i kept repeating this.

i looked back at how i have spent this whole year. i remember i was typing obstetrics case report on the eve of new year last year. i believe i would be doing the same this year for gynaecology. and repeating the cycle of mugging like crazy during chinese new year. but i was glad, for the reward which i have gotten. but it's really putting a great burden on my heavy loaded shoulder.

then i started the new semester. the supposedly more relaxing semester. i fall in love and fall out of love. like a dream. but there's must be a reason something happened. maybe i just don't know yet.

then i went through the whole semester very miserably. and then its my elective period. taiwan and singapore. it was a good break. away from everything.

then back to semester 9. i can't believe i am in my final year of medical school. fast huh?

now, i felt the pressure whenever everybody asked what year i am in? and each time people say, means next year you will be a doctor already?

yes. i am going to be. i will be one. but i don't want to settle to just a doctor. i want to be a good one. and it takes extra step to be one. so i kept telling myself, i just have to grind my teeth and go through this.

i like the hectic life. at least it keeps me from thinking nonsense. somehow, i should be thankful that things ended this way.

anyway, i promise myself that i will make sure 2011 ends in a good way. jiayou everybody!

paeds

exam in two days time!

if there's one lesson to learn from paediatrics posting, it is the care for patients in which the paediatricians have shown.

i can't helped but to admire the paediatrician. they really really really do care a lot about the patient, not just the disease alone, but the patient as a whole.

i have learnt that to be a good doctor, you just need to have the heart (心) for patients, treating them like how you would want to be treated or how you would want your family members to be treated.

it's not easy. but i will definitely set them as my role model.

and, another important thing, i want a paediatrician to be my husband la. for the same reason! lol.

11.11.11

haha. that's 10 days after 1st of Nov. i have to change the date for this post. lol. can't possibly post this at that very minute coz i was in the hospital that time.

2 weeks into paeds. loving it. but i realised sem9 postings are just so short. 4 weeks. gone with no time. i don't how prepared i will be at the end of the posting, is that sufficient? some posting i wont be revisiting until i am working. which means i will be equipped with this knowledge and skill to treat real patient out there. scary huh. i think so too.

somehow i just can't escape falling sick in paeds posting. been coughing my lungs out. don't know is it the bugs in paeds ward or its the over-singing. being a medical person, i know i know, this is most likely be due to infective cause. but somehow i just want to relate it to singing k. lol. but shouting out my heart was therapeutic.


lessons learnt for this week. no matter how good you are, you can only be better if you are humble.humility is something which i need to learn. but there is a thin line between humility and lack of confidence.

got a surprised gift from my senior working alor setar hospital. thats the first time i got a ball pen as gift. with my name engraved on it somore :)) sometimes, its really the sincerity that counts. but sincerity is hard to come by in such world.

andd, one step at a time, i think i am healing :)

1.11.11

its november already. and i am in my third posting now! 2 more to go and its THE exam.

paediatrics, one of my favourite posting. looking at the ill kids, i am thankful that i was a cute and healthy child. and i when look at parents of kids labelled with different syndrome, eg down syndrome, i wonder how they actually feel. i have always wanted to understand them, to feel what they are feeling and how they are coping. but it's hard to establish the close relationship. i admire them, for their love, their courage, and how they accepted god gift's in silence.

i don't know how i will react if i am in their place. having to take care a child is difficult, but having to take care of a sick child, who will be dependant on you forever is even harder. for one thing, he may not even be able to call you 'mama'.

there's so much thing to be thankful in life. i kept reminding myself this. but i don't know why i kept dwelling in the past. crying over the same thing again and again.

saw a meaningful quote the other day.

there's a professor who was telling his students about a joke. the first time he told that, everybody laughed. he repeated the joke next day. lesser students laughed. and by the time he repeated 10 times, nobody laughed. moral of the story is we don't laugh over the same joke over and over again. then why cry over the same thing over and over again!

after 2 cycles

2 cycles means i am 24 now! a lot of things running through my mind.

spending more than 12 hours in the ward on my birthday is not a good sign. i love being in hospital, i love talking to patient, but i think there's much more in life than spending all my time in hospital. afterall, career is not the only thing which shape a person's life.

i wonder where i will be next year this time. i hate to come to a junction again.

stress is coming from everywhere, within and externally.

can somebody please tell me things will get better.

saw a note on someone's tshirt during my 10km run yesterday.
''it hurts up to a point and it doesn't get any worse''
i hope so.

unpredictability

second week in surgery. i am starting to rekindle my love for surgery. there's much more to it than just cut cut and cut.

having to cover the ward everyday, reaching the ward before sunrise is just plain tiring. but going back to this posting the second time made me understood lots of things which i did not understand when i was in semester 6. i still remembered it was my very first posting when i entered clinical school. even to settle down to clinical school was already a tough one for me, more over to understand surgery. so the posting just passed in a blink. the truth is, looking at the current semester 6, i feel so matured, at least in my clinical skills. can't say i am good it in, but with some polish, i am sure we will all be competent.

the ward is just full of so many motor vehicle accident patients. having to cover two patients from the acute cubicle, i have countless patients who came in with large/small bleed in the brain. all young and healthy ones. but because of an accident, things changed. some made it through, some didn't.

unpredictability. thats life.

two of my patients passed away in my first week. both are relatively young patient. with not much comorbid conditions. from the first day i clerk them, to seeing them deteriorate, to reading the reports on their deaths, the feelings are something which i cannot describe with words.

again. unpredictability. that's life.

however, coming back to the ward in my beloved country after so long, after doing my elective in taiwan and singapore, i realised there's a need for change here. something needs to be changed. something is wrong. but i just can't spell it out. my friend once told me, initiate change by being part of the change. yes?

tests

when you are bored, and too lazy to study, you do such stupid test to burn time. hoho.
can try this too when you are too free.lol...
to some extent, i think its a bit accurate.

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

october is here

hoho. october is here.

time seems to fly. really. everybody can fly with Airasia now. even time can. yea, i know i am lame. that's actually my defense mechanism when i am stressed.

got over anesthesiology and radiology. supposedly the slackest posting in semester9. but i don't feel its slack at all. with classes stretched till 7pm at least once a week made me feel so dried up. its not uncommon to spot me sleeping in class, which i don't normally do that regardless how tired i am.i collapsed on the bed almost everyday after coming back from uni. and i can't seem to stop eating! maybe i should get my thyroid level checked. haish.

anyway, my weight is catching up too. with the lack of exercise and binge eating. all these symptoms of stress. i need to learn some stress management. its just beginning of the marathon. still a long long way to go. i don't want to collapse halfway.

engine is warmed up. i just have to keep going and accelerate from now. to where? i don't know.

planning for my future path is a headache. to the red dot down under? or to the states? or just stay here? choices. you complain when you don't have choices, you complain again when you have too many of them. its just human nature to complain.

going to surgery next! its where we first met 1.5 year ago. i would rather we did not.

strangers

We don't message each other anymore.we don't call each other anymore. we don't email each other anymore. we don't skype anymore. we don't say i miss you to each other anymore.

i supposed we don't have to. and never should. you and i make the perfect strangers.

and you moved on so fast and so well. it just makes me feel that you are a big fat liar.

it sucks to say this. but i still miss you.

i should wake up soon.

i am back!

i am back after two months break!

time flies eh. i looked back at my last entry, it was during my minor posting. now, i am about to start my semester 9, which marks the start of my final year as medical student. somehow, now i feel the term medical student is not that bad after all.

two months. taiwan then to singapore. so much that i have gained. exposure, knowledge, skills, experiences, friendships, and weight too! lol..

this post is going to be so long if i share everything here. but i am more than glad to share my experience with anybody.

i am still not bored describing how much i loved taiwan's beauty, how much i missed the bubble tea ( and other food :D) , how surprised i was by the organised health care system there, etc etc. not forgetting my hospital experience in SGH. this part is boring, but undeniably, i have learnt so much so much over the 4 weeks there.

and of course all these wont be as exciting if i havent had experienced them with my friends, be it the new friends whom i have met or friends whom i have known for ages. it was nice to stay together with my ex-roomie again after so long. my stay in singapore would be so dull without her and her sister.

the 2 months was also a time for me to reflect. of whether what i am fighting for all this while is what i really want. are the sacrifices which i need to make/already made along the way worth while? is that the place where i truly want to be? is that the life i want to lead?

i don't have answer for that. but the most important lesson i have learnt is that nothing beats home. no matter how good, how nice, how organised, how awesome, how wonderful other countries are, nothing beats being in your own homeland. i felt so patriotic for the first time. lol.. and that also made me reflect on my future plans.

should i just stay here. bah. i don't know.