random

i was looking through my artwork today because i was too bored at home. guess what i found? i found some unfinished artwork that i draw when i was in primary school. funny it may seem because my family hasnt been to sarawak together. don't know where did that idea come from. anyway, i wasnt much an arts person ( so, please don't laugh at the following piece of work :P ) , i barely pass my arts with the help of my brother. he used to sketch something for me before the exam day and i will just re-draw it next day based on my memory. haha.smart eh :P

then i found something else! haha. some unfinished artwork by kahhwee :P she was attempting to sketch a portrait of me but it is half done. quite nicely done i would say :)

which reminds me of another portrait that i have. after searching up and down in my room then i found it. my mouth looks slightly big here laaa :P but thank you, vin :)

and i found another piece of my work, my calligraphy handwritings. which reminds me how much i miss calligraphy. the last time i practise calligraphy was before some competition in singapore. i doubt i can even hold the brush in a correct way now. sigh.

looking through all these things made me realise how much i have changed over the years.

things changed. people changed. i changed. and you changed

post note: after kk, hamsap mus did a sketch on us, and here it goes , i love it :)
the reason why i was sketched as such is that i wore 7 layers when i was hiking up the peak. thus i look like a big fat aunty wei :P

Down south again

i went down to singapore again last weekend.

it's been so long since i last saw so many people walking so fast, rushing to somewhere. it's like i am the only slow one there. and, that's when i realised my life has been snail pace back here.

it's been so long since i last saw someone stealing a minute to read while commuting on the train. and, that's when i realised i haven't been reading a book for pleasure for so long, and so long since i have gone through a book at a single sitting. even when hoay borrowed me a book which i have been wanting to read after summative, i just didnt have the motivation to pick it up and read.

it's been so long since i walked around the city by myself. not being afraid that i might get kidnapped/raped any moment. and, that's when i realised how much i miss being alone.

anywayyyy, i enjoyed the trip very much despite of the fact that i am now still down with flu, cough and sorethroat (ahini alert!)

places that i have visited:
tampines-nest of hamsapest :P
southern ridges of singapore
singapore flyer
bugis
chinatown
kh's room :P

FOOD FOOD FOOOOD:
bak chor mee ( i still miss the one in SA)
ah ball-ing (green tea rocks!)
dao suan
BUBBBBLLEEEE TEAAAA ( i drank a total of 6 cups in 3 days :P)
cafe cartel
long john silver
shi lin fried chicken
mos burger's frozen strawberry and milk tea

some nice egg tart from tampines mall

a hamsap welcome gift :)henderson wavessg flyeroh man, i love the sunset :)

meeting up with sinlen

and not forgetting, HAPPPPPY BIRTHDAY MISS GAN! :) do wear the tshirt whenever u feel down or stressed. hope it will really cheer you up when necessary.THANK YOU once again for everything :)

''you can miss someone more than you can ever love the person.'' i read this from somewhere the other day. there's this feelings of missing as i visit many places in sgp. somehow, it brought back lots of good old memories that i will smile when i thought of them.
it's different from another feeling of missing, the feeling of missing that made my heart aches whenever i thought of it. maybe, the only difference between this two situations is time. give time, time.maybe more time this time.
it's stupid, but there's this fear of not being missed in me. i miss.

falling. failing. and learning.

falling . failing .

they are inevitable in life.

it's how and what we learn from it that matters.

stand up.

i know i have to stand up myself.

it's been two weeks, my ankle still hurts when i go running today.

i guess, just like the heart, it takes longer to heal.

i read from a book, our body have all it needs to heal. oxygen, nutrients, water.

the healing process will take place automatically.

i know i am/was stupid.

i am exhausted.

of crying over my own stupidity.

i hope i can laugh at my own stupidity. soon.

learning. after falling. failing. so many times.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

i started eating meat on thursday after a month of vegetarian diet. i guess it's not really hard to refrain from eating meat, not much of discipline needed, since i am not a ''food'' person as people called it. and thankfully, my prayers work :)

and now, i am going to refrain myself from going to facebook for the next 3 weeks. it's just the first day, but it's so hard. it's really torturous to not click on that webpage. i think, it's not easy to get detached from something, or someone. but i will try. that i promise myself.

why am i putting myself through all these? of not eating meat, of not doing things that i want to? i guess, sometimes in life, we ought to learn to look at the bigger picture. if there are sacrifices to be made, for ourselves, or for other people, we have to do it. for good.

Decision

Oncology selective is coming to an end soon, today when i was doing the evaluation form for the lecturers, i realised something. that is, i have learnt to accept people's flaws and try to look at their positive sides. take for example my lecturer whom i used to dislike a lot because of his long winded-ness at the start of the selective. but now, i have realised that he is really a very dedicated lecturer, whom put in so much effort into making this onco selective a really good one. i think now i can even smile and listen attentively to him when he is giving us REALLY long lectures :P but all in all, i really enjoyed this selective. kudos to both the coordinators:)

when we were at HUKM last week, one of our coordinators shared her medical experiences with us. she said she chose to quit working in hospital becauase it involves many decision makings. take for example( a very common question asked in interview as well ), there are limited number of ventilators in a hospital, and assuming all the ventilators are in used, except for one...and that there are two patients who need the ventilator for life support for the moment, one being 70years old with kidney failure, and the other one 20 years old, healthy young teenager. who should we give the ventilator to? the young or the old patient?

most of the time, we have to make this decision. but who are we to decide who is to take the ventilator, who are we to decide another individual's life (or death) ? we have no rights! we have no rights to make the decision for other people when we can't even make the right decision for ourselves sometimes.

i know i can't now.

the room is dark and quiet.
there's a silent cry.
the heart is crying.
eyes-sunken
skin-pallor
pulse-absent
respirations-absent
pupils-fixed and dilated

i hope that everything can come to a closure.
soon.
slowly but surely.

hamsap! :)

i shall declare today as world HAMSAP day, because it is our hamsapest birthday! happy 21st birthday again lay queen! thank you for adding all the hamsapness in my world. like you said in the email, i duno how we got here, but one thing for sure, i am really really grateful for having to get here, crossing path with you, slowly getting to know you more, and having you as one of my closest friend :)

we are going for our first half marathon together this weekend, 21km for 21 years old. yes, the same reason as why you are running, i am running this race because i want to achieve something. and i will take this journey of 21km as a journey to reminiscence on the things that i have achieved in this 21years of my life, and hopefully, i can add on to the list if i managed to finish the race within 3 hours! i know my ankle is hurting, i know the stupid mestrual cycle is annoying, but i will still continue on with the race, as i have promised :)

i wish you the best for everything, and many many many happy returns for the many years to come :)

" and in this year, we will be celebrating adulthood, in it's fullness instead of the conclusion of your teenage years which will never come back. trust it's an end without lingering regrets. And so you have this one 'transition' year ahead of you (if i can call it that). i wish you a fulfilling transition. "

i wish that u had a great transition! :)

Thank YOU once again, my hamsapest :)


post note:

21km: DONE :)M207:)

we have completed our first half marathon within the qualifying time, queen with 2hours58mins and myself 3 hours and 4 seconds :):):) we were very lucky to meet a few veteran runners who gave us lots of encouragement throughout the journey. something that i remember from one of the runners, he said, forget about the timing, forget about the distance, just enjoy your first half marathon. as he put it, there's no refund if we make it before 3 hours, so we should fully utilise the 3 hours given. and i really did enjoy the run, despite of the ankle injury.my hamapest running partner:)

my ankle still hurts, but do you know, my heart aches even more.

belated mother's day:)

life of a woman is greatly changed when an egg is conceived in her body. not only there are many physical changes and adaptations for this new life, she also has to bear many new responsibilities.

http://clovetwo.com/articles/story.asp?file=/2009/5/13/reallives/20090513084722&sec=reallives

i like the last line of this article especially :)

''There is no way we can ever repay the debt to the women who gave us life; we will never be "even" with our moms. So every day should be a new day to appreciate, love, care for and devote ourselves to making our mothers' lives great today and even better tomorrow.''



something i saw at a vegetarian restaurant recently, the quote says, there are two things that u should not wait or delay in this world, first one is filial piety, the other one is charity. very true indeed. and i believe, both are equally important, as the fundamental charity starts at home, as my friend pointed out once.

i am eating vegetarian food for at least the next 2 weeks.

i pray. i hope. i wish.

for one thing. for the best. for you i shall be strong :)

and i am learning to take up many many responsibilities that i have never imagined. learning slowly, but surely:)

happy mothers' day to all the mothers.

The little things :)

The little things that made me smile :) day in day out, people are busy with their own lives, neglecting small little things in life. its amazing how these small gestures can touch one's heart :) THANK YOU

jeannie

queen le minxinyingwheiyingleanne

lucky stars from queen which are now stuck at my study table :Praymunmy roomie!all these happened because love never fails :) you guys are one of the blessings in my life.
thankYOU :)

Equation

we are in renal system now and few equations to learn, renal clearance, GFR.....

and queen sent me a msg one night, it says, if only life had an equation that can solve everything! it just struck me at that moment, do we have such equation in life? do we have answers to everything?

and so i asked this question to my another close friend, and his reply was that life is such a complex journey that there's no one equation to it, and whenever there's a problem, we will think it through, come up with an equation, answer it and move on until we come up to another problem.

at this point of time, i really hope that there is THE equation that can solve everything in life. problems piling and piling. unsolved problems.

some people said learning mathematics is useful because by solving all the mathematical problems, we will acquire the skills to solve problems in life, or at least simplify them. i wonder is this true. i used to score very well in mathematics and additional mathematics in school. but, why can't i solve anything now. anything.

and queen sent me another msg the other day, ''courage does not always RWOAR, courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says, i will try tomorrow'' i havent been studying at all this past few nights, and every morning i tell myself, i must wake up with more strength today, with more positive energy to face what the world has prepared for me. because i believe whatever that happened today happened for a reason,and it is going to mould us to be a better person tomorrow.

''i will try tomorrow'' i know i can do it :)

2 more weeks to summative! study!!!!

side note, 17th May is lee hom's birthday , 17th May is also world international hypertension day ( hmmm, i wonder what they do on this day! ) and more importantly, 17th May is hamsap mus' birthday! happy 24th birthday MUSTAQIM!!! sorry for always bothering u online, sorry for always disturbing u middle of the night ( stupid canada time zone!) and most importantly thank you for all the advices, all the osce online teaching sesssions, all the stress that u put upon me to motivate me to study and thank you for the friendship :)

thank you :)

your long craved maggie mee :P

Organ Donation

This week has been a hectic week. from IMS, to dialysis centre, to pbl, to preparation for summative and to my very own personal problems.

anyway, the visit to dialysis centre is something worth mentioning. the building itself was quite a run down building which i later found out that its because they have been in this very building since 1993, and this is actually the very first dialysis centre set up by NGO in malaysia.

we were given briefing by a staff there, after which she shared a lot of her experience in dealing with kidney failure patient. basically, as a background information, kidney failure patient is someone with a non-functioning kidney and thus whatever waste produced in our body cannot be excreted out. thus, these people will normally opt for haemodialysis. and this has to be done at least 3 times a week, imagine, our kidney functions 24 hours a day, while they go for 12 hours of dialysis in a week time. and this is a lifelong suffering unless kidney is transplanted to them.

the staff then introduced to us one of the patient whom has gone through haemodialysis for 20+ years. she told us it is embarassing to admit that there's patient who needs to go for haemodialysis for so long and yet to found a kidney for transplantation. she explained that in overseas, the longest that one has to wait is 5 years (!!!)

this is because there's very little awareness in the importance of organ donation here. thus the waiting list goes on longer and longer and longer. there's one saying in buddhism, everyone is born to give. very true indeed. but how many actually realise this, and those that realised this, how many acually practises it? not many. animals, plants, trees sacrificed themselves for us, without asking anything in return. but how about us human? whatever we do, it is our human nature to ask or expect something back in return. for example, employees work, and they expect a pay. so, if we pledge for organ donation, what do we get? nothing. since our organ will only be taken after we are dead, we will not get anything in return if we pledge. so why should we pledge? many reasons.

take for example, if i pledge for organ donation, andddd if i pass away in an accident ( TOUCH WOOD), my organs will be donated to those on the waiting list. you will be surprised that so many organs in our body can be donated to other people. 2 kidneys to donate, but take a guess how many will benefit from this? not 2, but 4!!!! why? because each kidney will benefit 2 individuals, and once these two individuals recovered, they will not require haemodialysis, and another two kidney failure patients will be given opportunity to take up the place, since there are insufficient machines now.

many many other stories were shared by the staff there. inspiring anddd, for the first time in my life ( after 1.5 years in medical school) , i got to feel for thrill and listen to a bruit!!!! my my my!

so ya, what are u waiting for, pledge for organ donation now :)



unsettlement. exhausted. dissappointment.

tired

i am really tired this time.

LEE HOM :)

2.5.2009

my first ever concert! one word - FANTASTIC. he didnt dissappoint me. one thing for sure, he played all the musical instruments soooo well that leaves me no regret for spending on the ticket.

the venue
the company :)

the reason why 25 thousands ppl gather at the stadium :)

something that i realised, concert is a good place to reflect. while i was watching leehom playing guitar, i can feel that he is so in love with music, so in love with the things that he is doing now. people always say, do the things that u are interested, then u will succeed. but this is the first time i have seen someone soooo into the things that he is doing, so in love with the things that he is doing. i believe this is the key to success, loving the things that u are doing, and doing the things that you love. because of his passion for music, because of his belief in sharing music with other people, he is who he is today.

i hope i can stand out one day and say, medicine is something that i want to do, it is something that i love. i guess it will happen some day. and only then i will become a great doctor. one day.

somehow during the concert, i suddenly remembered the quote that xy once shared with me, if you love something, set it free, let it go, if it comes back , it is yours. looking at lee hom, this is what i felt yesterday. if his parents,who are of medical background stop him from involving in music, stop him from singing, producing musics, leehom wouldnt be doing what he likes now. and this will be plain torturous to be forced to do things that you don't like. and it will be a loss to the music industry. and this just struck me hard yesterday. if you love someone, let him/her to do the things that they like. if its meant to be, it will be :)

all in all, it has been a great experience:) looking at someone that i have admired for 10 years+ performing on the stage is my dream all along. and yay, i wasn't dissappointed by the perfomance. keep going, and keep producing good music, MUSIC MAN :)

a memorable night

Try to spot the similarities:2009

Gradnite 06

Asean Dance 05

yep, my theme color for all the three functions are maroon/red. not that maroon is my favourite color, but its just all coincidence. but after looking through the pictures from my old folder, i guess, i put in the most effort in this ball. at least, i dun look like lo-han fish like how i did in a levels prom! :P

anyway, THE day started off pretty well, like amazing race, rushing here there with the girls, getting ready for the big night. first stop, kuchai lama for our hairdo, followed by make up at clinique in midvalley.

finally, its 6pm. and there we were, all ready, pretty, handsome :) we were greeted by a gigantic fountain infront of the hotel lobby. not forgetting the grand ballroom.ah, heavenly.

then, it is followed by a night of taking pictures. i think, we have easily hit 500 pictures in just that few hours.

table 47!Girls:)roomie!
My hamsapest :)
Prom king!!i think i look cool in a vest! :P

and and and, the night ended with McD!!! :D after long cravings for fast food, i finally got my hand on my favourite sundae cone:):):)

and and and, happy birthday rm :) yep, cheers to this one year of ups and downs, lots of memories from studying, climbing mountain, running, fishing, baking, makaning, mms-ing, and all the silly arguments that we had. yep, i agree that our lives are measured by the people whom we meet. and knowing u, has really changed my life tremendously. thank you for all the positive seeds that u have planted in me !

destination

sadness, depression, dysphoria

are all processes. something that we must go through before we reach the

final destination:

happiness :)


i waited. i missed. i am confused. when will i reach the final destination.

anticipation

things have been happening very fast.and many great things are yet to come .

=imu ball on april 19th
=leehom's concert on may 2nd !!!!
=21km half marathon on june 7th
=conquering mount K on july 27th

celebrating the new member in the family, welcome to the world, joey :)

and its a coincidence that i am now learning reproductive system. the day you are conceived is also the day you won a swimming competition, competing with millions other contestants, so we are all a good swimmer. haha, what a way to put it!


counting down the days. and as it draws closer, my heart aches more.

''nobody else can make you feel the way you are feeling, except yourself''

:)

i love meeting old friends - chats, gossips, food, jokes and catching up :) a weekend well spent, before i am back to the cycle of lecture-notes-sleep-eat-jog-pbl.

i still like creamy cheese chicken in pastamania.

i still enjoy the hawaiian chicken chop in kaki corner.

its time to cut down some weight!

heart beat

We learn about heart sound, S1 and S2. and in some individuals, there are S3 and/or S4.

lup dup lup dup.

thats how it should be.

recently, there is this new song by leehom, 心跳,(heart beat) . i love this song :) and at the end of the song, there is this monologue by leehom, saying that in this busy life that we have, sometimes, we should slow down and listen to our heart beat. yes, very true indeed.

the other day, before my exam, i took out my stethoscope and put it over my heart region. lup dup lup dup lup dup. listening my heart beat, i asked myself, is this truly what i want? is this really the path that i want?

i doubt myself. whether i am really suitable to be who i want to be? i have gone through 1 year+ of medical school, yet, the knowledge that i need to know, is so much, that it is more than i could handle. learning, memorizing, regurgitating, and forgetting. it seems like a cycle. whatever that i thought i have remembered, seem to evaporate in no time.

listening to my heart beat, i asked myself again and again, whether i really can endure this path that i have chosen, the long hours, the never ending committment, the sacrifices, the tonnes of responsibilities. lup dup lup dup...can somebody please translate this to me?

i guess, this journey in med school not only taught me medical knowledge, it makes me think. and taught me to learn about myself. and i am slowly enjoying it.

some one once told me: Don't waste your heartbeat! yes, true enough :)






i listen to it again. lup ........dup........

it just contracts in agony. slower and slower...

''when someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone'' - for one more day- Mitch Albom

can you stop becoming the autonomic nervous system of my body. please don't affect my heartbeat anymore.i have my own regulation.

it's almost one year.

and i always wonder, do you know all this is happening?

lup dup lup dup.

slower and slower...day by day.

I love you :)

this morning, i went jogging with my dad :) half way around the lake, my dad stopped. he said he is tired and asked me to continue. at that moment, it struck me that my dad is old. he is no longer the man that used to run faster than the wind in running competition. no longer able to chase after his son from upstairs to downstairs and back to upstairs. no longer able to be like how he used to be.

as we grow up, our parents grow old. recently, something that happened in my family made me realise my parents will leave me anytime. one friend asked me, are you prepared for all these? to face all these unforeseen incidents? my answer is no. it never occur to me that my parents will leave me. i know i am naive to think that they will always be there for me, forever. but, i am just not prepared.


''have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish had back.'' mitch albom - for one more day

I LOVE YOU, thats the one thing that i want to say to my parents now, but being brought up in a way that we don't normally express our love verbally, its pretty hard for me to say it to them, neither do they say it to me. but i know, they love me more than anyone else on earth. some people say 'i love you' so easily, just like saying 'how are you' . its hard for me to say it unless i really mean it. and in my family, we just weren't brought up this way to express our love to each so openly. haha. i guess, we show our love by actions :)

emptiness

today when i was reading something, i was reminded of the time in singapore, when i used to walk from SA to the mrt and then from mrt back to hostel. i don't normally walk alone, but there are times when i will walk alone back. and these are the time when i will spend time talking to myself, planning my schedule .many many other things will run through my head during this short period of time. in this 15mins, i can very well plan ahead my schedule for the rest of the day and next day.

i wonder whether it is because i don't walk as much here in msia, or is it because i no longer fight for every single second that now i no longer utilise my time as how i used to last time. i remember the time in singapore, i dun even have time to sit down and think that i have to use that short journey from school to hostel to think and plan. every second counts. but now, sometimes, i will just sit and stone. i no longer walk as fast as i used to. i no longer eat as fast as i used to. i no longer fight for every second.

why?

i duno why. but i just know that, i wasted so much time, just like water from the running water tap. and sadly, there is no turning back, the water can't flow in reverse direction back to its source. time, just like water, is precious. but why do i take it so lightly now? where is the old self that used to care so much, even a second?

this makes me feel so empty.

and now, after eos3, i feel even emptier. feel like there is no goal. i kinda miss the pre-eos period, when i know i just have to fight and fight and fight. because i know i have this exam to pass.

some friend once sent me a msg during the exam period, which i think is pretty inspiring:

Somewhere in Africa, a gazelle wakes up at the break of dawn.
now this gazelle knows that it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Somewhere else in Africa, a lion wakes up at the break of dawn.
now this lion knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.
it doesn't matter whether you're the lion or the gazelle,
What matters is when the sun rises, you'd better be running."

but sometimes, i wonder,day and night, study study study. but at the end of the day, i study because i know i have to. i just have to. honestly, i still couldn't find the reason and motivation behind it. fight fight fight, what for?

yet another emptiness.



and



everyday without you makes me feel even emptier. it sucks to feel this way. it sucks to prevent myself from getting closer to you, when deep down inside i know i want to. when can i do things that i really want? when can i be honest to you?


i really hope to get out of this emptiness.



anyway, happy birthday jeannie (17!) and xinying :):):)

#this marks my 100th posts.

2009

it is now 2009!

how did i spent the last day of 2008? 3clinical examinations, 2 history taking in the morning, followed by GI notes in the evening. just as the clock struck 12, just as the rest of the world are partying outside to usher in 2009, i was reading my haemorrhagic fever notes, studying different types of virus, and yet i couldn't answer the question on this topic the next day. urgh!

sleep-study-eat-shower-study-study-study-study

that's practically how i spent my 5 weeks before the year ends, all because my final exams is on 30th and 31st dec, extending to 2nd and 3rd jan. you may think that it is quite sad to spend the last few days of 2008 this way, but i actually felt quite happy. quoting from barath's msn pm, we may be studying on new year's eve, but who knows whatever that we are studying on that night might save a person's life 10 years down the road. and i guess, as we take the hippocratic oath on the first day of medical school, we would have expected this. no new year, no christmas, no what so ever celebrations for many years to come. this is because, there are people falling ill every second, regardless whether it is new year or just a normal day. so we should always be prepared for this.

anyway, results was out yesterday. i look back at the past 5 weeks, it was not easy. to go through all this. but i am really glad to have one bunch of friends who are going through the same thing with me. be it practising csu together, having some 'intellectual' discussions, or even to the extent of preparing our own emq/meq questions ,all this kept me on track despite many many many distractions. and most importantly, during this period, encouraging messages, calls, cakes, dessert and food or even a small gesture like saying JIAYOU! to each other are the things that kept me going and going. and i am very glad to have this study buddy of mine, who kept pushing me, and at the same time feeding me with lots of motivational food. without him, i guess i wouldn't have been able to finish studying all the 4 systems.

and now, i am going to sum up my 2008. being a second year medical student, coping with many new things everyday, learning proper clinical skills, and most importantly adapting and understanding more about inter-personal skills. i guess, this is a year of change, not physically, but i feel it is a year of self discovery. i feel, the two years in singapore has broaden my perspectives, exposing me to many many new things. and here in imu, i feel that i really grow. grow to understand people around me, and at the same time grow to understand what i really want.

2008 is a year filled with lots of laughter and tear. a year with lots of ups and downs. a year which i lost something that i treasured so much but gaining other things in return. thats life.

one very important thing that i learn in 2008 is that, whatever happened, happened for a reason. and never do things that will make yourself regret. but somehow i realised, 10 years down the road, we will be regret of the things that we didnt do, rather than the things that we did. hmmph.i duno.

2009 will be a great year:) many many great things awaiting us. it is time to flip to another chapter, a colorful chapter filled with lots of happiness and love.

power of healing

do doctors have the power of healing? i duno. embarking on this medical journey makes me think of many things. people always say doctors make a great contributions to the society, by saving lives. but many of times doctors can't do anything but to raise a the flag to surrender to some disease, best example would be late stage cancers.

when i was in kkb, i can't forget the way the family of the patient look at me. the look that says: ' please help us" , " we really need you". but there i was, standing there helplessly. can't do anything but staring at the ill patient. i really want to help, but now i do not have the ability yet. the feeling is just depressing.

but next time, when i have gotten my own license, to stand at the frontline, will i still be as helpless? i guess i will feel even worse if i can't do anything but to let the life slip off my hand like that.

am i prepared for all this? facing deaths every single day? treating death like eating? certifying death like reading newspaper? breaking news to the patient's family like telling a story? detaching myself from feeling anything at all?

i know one day, i will be numb with all this. but i guess, when that time comes, it is just plain sad. that i no longer have feelings for death. but i have to be desensitised with this, or else i will suffer.

i can't let patient die because of my mistake, or because i am lack of the knowledge. that's something that my friend said. its very true. getting good results now doesnt guarantee that one will be a good doctor, but to be a good doctor, you first must have the very basic knowledge. so conclusion?

S-T-U-D-Y!

KKB

i am back from kuala kubu baru, or the kiri kanan bukit.haha. i wasn't actually posted to there for rotation this semester but then i just went over during the weekend for the waterfall trip :) but but but, the funny thing is that i didn't even get to go to the waterfall and the pasar malam. instead i spent most of the time at A&E department in kkb hospital and got to see really interesting cases.

first delivery that i get to witnessed makes me appreciate my mom more. the pain is really really really really really unbearable. eventhough i wasn't the one giving birth, i can really feel the pain. i can feel it when the needle was piercing the woman's perianal region. it is just something that you cannot describe with words. but i guess, the woman's pain is not wasted, as a new life was brought to this world and it is the laughter, smile or maybe even the cry of the baby that keeps the woman holding on. i got the chance to hold the baby. i feel so motherly for the second :P and we were saying that we should bring all those teenagers out there who are ignorant about all sexual contraceptives to witness a child birth. that should scare them enough. but i am thinking, why not bring those kanasai people who never appreciate their parents for bringing them to this world, for raising them up, shedding sweats, tears and even blood in the process. that would really slap them awake.

besides serious work, i also went fishing. but this time round, it was night fishing. a totally new experience. rm brought us to a bridge and there we can see so many anglers there, waiting patiently for their next day's lunch/dinner to hook on. when i got down the car, i can really feel the peace in my mind. it just reminds me of the time when we were high up on the peak of the mountain. so calm. so peaceful. and we can hear the waterfall from far vividly. what more with a nice moonlight and thousands of stars.ah, bliss.

we stayed there for the whole night to next morning and almost freze to death the night but it was all worth it. the view in the morning was just AWESOME. i was really smiling inside and outside, something that is missing in me for soooo long. it's not a smile that i have to fake out, that i have to send impulses to cerebral cortex and control my lips muscles to contract and there forms a smile. its just so natural. i feel happy from deep within. and i really miss the feeling.

although we didn't get to go to the waterfall, we spent time at the downstream. it was equally fun:) i guess, its not about the place, but more of the company. hanging out with all guys is not a bad thing afterall, except the dirty jokes part.haha. i was so entertained by the boys musical perfomance(for more than one hour!!!!!!!). and not forgetting the illegal thing that they did, i shall not mention it outloud here. but the experince was truly memorable. i really love u guys, Dr B, rm,kj, cw :):):)

AWESOME scenery:)

the AWESOME guys :)

lastly, THE jump :)

there is this feeling that i have never felt before. it was just so comfortable. i have never felt this way in my life. i just hope time can be stopped at that moment. but to enjoy all this, i know i am sacrificing so many other things. so many things that i have neglected. and i am making myself sinking deeper and deeper. but dun get it wrong, i am not emo-ing. because i enjoyed it, and everyone deserves to enjoy what he/she wants right? :)

bye to the days with home cooked food. bye to the days with nice bed which i can hibernate on.

6 weeks to eos. 6 weeks to new year. 1week to gombak hospital rotation. and 0 day to back in vista.

argh. i have trouble deciding whether i should do my electives in sg or back in msia.

i gained weight like nobody's business after 2 weeks of 'inactivity'.

and i am still feeling as kanasai as ever :(

this post is totally random. i know. sorry.

changes

as we grow older, we change, both physically and mentally. one very fine example is that when we were young, we used to hate green veggie a lot ( at least for me). and we refused to take all those green veggie no matter how hard the adults try to persuade us. i am sure in our mind will be full of questions like why do they kept asking us to eat the disgusting veggie? and why do they have to force themselves to eat the veggie when its not nice? but look, when we grow older, we start to appreciate these green veggie. and we take it even when no one is there forcing us to take. why the difference? its because we have CHANGEd with time. this is a very true fact that i have not realised until a friend of mine mentioned it that day.

yes. we have all changed as we grow older. and these changes are inevitable. it's impossible for us to grow without changing. and with all these changes, it is important to maintain our identity, our principles, and our focus of life. but it is just so hard.

and looking at the people around us changing, will we able to accept their changes? can our perceptions for one another change as we all change with time? can you accept your friend if he/she turns out to be someone that is very different from who you thought he/she was?

the experiences that we are going through are something that are shaping our thoughts. it is from these experiences that we can learn and change to be a better person. going through so many things may be tough, but without these experiences, we won't be able to grow up.

but sometimes, talking to people who have gone through many things in life is very useful as well. we can always gain priceless life experiences from them and learn from their mistakes. it is always wiseful to learn from other people's mistakes because we do not have time to commit so many mistakes. thus, talking to some people for one hour is sometimes worth a lifetime's experience :)

i just came back from johor. looking at my grandparents, i really want to do something for them, at least some small little things. but i just do not know how. the other day when i was jogging in the park, i saw one old lady walking there with the daughter. and she was holding tightly to the daughter's hand. i don't know why, but at the very moment, i was so touched by the very scene. when we are young and can't walk properly, our parents guide us patiently until the day we can walk independantly on our own. and similarly, when our parents grow old, it is our responsibility to guide and help them when they couldn't walk properly. why there are so many people out there who complain complain and complain about their parents, and treat them like a burden. have they forgotten who are the one who guided them properly when they couldn't walk? have they forgotten who are the one who fed them when they couldnt' eat by themselves? have they forgotten who are the one who cleaned them up when they couldn't shower by themselves? so why the complaints now when they have to return the favour for the very same person who did the exact same things for them 30/40 years ago? 'money not enough2' by jack neo is really a good and worth watching production. it really portrays what is happening in today's world.it has touched my heart, and i hope it will do the same to many many sons and daughters out there.

perhaps, to understand your parents' love, you must first raise children yourself. i don't quite agree with this though.

exam

exam is over, but the engine must still be on, for there is one giant monster awaiting us end of december. till then, i must keep moving and moving.

the paper was horritable...but, after the exam i was so happy because of a ridiculous reason.i realised i've been using the word 'ridiculous' and 'kanasai' quite a lot lately. that's because i really really feel that way.

sometimes, there are so many 'should's in life. like i SHOULD be doing this, i SHOULD be feeling this, i SHOULD be at another place...so many shoulds. our actions are not normally portrayed by we are feeling/innermost thoughts, or put in another way. there are many of times that we are not doing things that we really want. but we are influenced by what we SHOULD do or what we are EXPECTED to do and thus, the things that we are doing are normally a big contrary to what we are feeling. is this considered as hypocrisy?

there is one very wise line that i learn from cf that day. 'there are many talented and gifted people in today's world, what we really need are deep people' true enough, how many people in today's world are actually deep thinker? how many people actually have the time to slow down and really think through and reflect on their life, how many people who actually really look at the mistakes that they have done and learn from it?

and for this reason, i am going back to my hometown for the week before rotation posting for a retreat, or perhaps soul retreat. it is time for me to sit down quietly and talk to my soul and my innermost thoughts.

kk, this is getting very serious. few LAME jokes to share here. this is what medical students came out with when they are stressed during exams.

why did the tortoise cross the road?
because it wanted to get to the SHELL station.

what is the lamest part of the body?
hypothaLAMEST (hypothalamus - a part in the brain)

what is the most masculine part of the body?
bundle of HIS ( in the heart)

what pathological condition only affects woman?
HERnia (nia to be pronounced in hokkien slang)

what is the funniest part of the body?
humerus - a bone

where can you see mickey mouse in your body?
disney (this-knee)

where do you see old man turning in your body?
omentum (old man turn)

which disease only affects woman who are very bouncy?
hirshprung disease ( HER spring/sprung)

who is pacman's brother?
parietal cell in the stomach (look at the picture of pariental cell and you will know why)

and the lamest...
what do u get when u spell megakaryocyte wrongly?
or u can rephrase the question as...where do you see giant kairou in your body?
mega KAIROU site...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...i know ...sweat...but this is what keeps me going for this exam , in replacement of something else.sigh. i know this way of coping with the problem is very unhealthy for both parties, but but....i don't know.

post exam. time to relax. xy said that day, actually we are really lucky and blessed. our life is just to study, the only thing that we should be worried about is study study and study. after exam we can go enjoy all we want. unlike our parents, who have to worry about so many things, work, household matters, financial, children...shouldn't we be grateful? ya, we should.