Doctor-ing

Recently, I saw one piece of news circulated among my FB friends. It's regarding the letter from ministry of health stating that more than 95% of the post for medical officer in the country have been filled, and in certain states, it has even over-filled.

This is an irony. One side of the story, so many government doctors are complaining that they are over-working, another side of, the government is giving letter stating that the post is going to be over filled.

Question is, what happen after that? So, very soon, as predicted by many, doctors may be jobless.

The 5 years journey of medical school is definitely not an easy. and when one is faced with such situation after graduating, who is going to be responsible?

During the family gathering last month, I was asked, how do you sum up your medical school life? Did you cry everyday? Lol, to be honest, I did cry, from stress, from relationship issues, from family issues etc. Of course, I still cannot forget how traumatised I was when I witness the first resuscitation in the ward when I was still a pre-clinical student. I can just hear the bone cracking underneath when the doctors are doing the chest compression.

So, ask me again, is it worth it? The answer would be Yes. Regret, definitely, especially at times when I just cannot cope with the stress, when things can be so easy when you just say, I give up.

But, I hold on to it. and the happiness when I received the scroll with the piece of paper stating MBBS is just..plain bliss.

That was a dream since childhood. And yes, it has came true.

They say, 'the dream is great, but who you need to become to get your dream done is the real reward. '

I am truly blessed, to have met the people in my life, for without them, I could not have achieve what I have today. I think the long path, or what people name it as 'calling' has definitely changed me in a way.

5 weeks

5 more weeks to the big war, my final war to go!

Been doing UW Question bank last week. It is actually considered by most exam takers as one of the best tool for preparation in usmle. I am left with 1325 Q to go. Doing 3blocks of questions a day, slowly, and surely I am reaching the finishing line.

The journey is not easy. Of course nothing worth having is going to be easy. Something and for some reason, I am led to this path. Whatever reason it is for, I am going to do my best. I have learnt so much during this journey, not only medically, but also many other aspects. I am sure this will make me a better person at the end of the journey.

After this, I am going to use all this knowledge that I have to help ( hopefully and finally). One of my lecturers in internal medicine actually told me, we have been receiving much, so it's time to give out some. I totally agree with this. I am going to use whatever I have ( regardless how little), to give back to the people.

So much has happened since I last posted. A close family member of mine has pass on to a better place. They say human come and go, without notifying you. Death, just like labour, can happen anytime, and caught you in a surprise, either in a pleasant or a not so pleasant way. ah gong, wherever you are now, I just want to thank you, for without you, I would not be typing this here. may you rest in peace.

Another piece of news, ( good news at least) , I have passed my step2 CS. Compared to the forum mates which I have practised with, I definitely do not deserve this. But I really thank god this this. After ck and cs, I am left with the very last giant step to go.

Just have to tell myself, keep going. Just have to repeat this" I am not telling you it is going to be easy, I am telling you it's going to be worth it.

brain

Brain is such a amazing organ. one which differentiates us human from animals. it's function, of course can be good or evil. there's always an angel who is talking to us and at the same time there will be one devil opposing it.

Many think that angel is the good one and devil will always be in the dark side. This applies to most cases, but in certain situation, the devil will act to protect us from whatever out there which is detrimental to us. It actually serves as a protective mechanism.

Of course, this triggered me to think, whenever I am studying, I felt tired. So is it tiredness, which the brain is telling me to stop and don't overwork OR is it just the devil side - I am just plain lazy. no idea.

But I can only conclude, self mastery is very important. It's all in your mind.

# side note after watching a very motivating movie: Gifted hands: Dr Ben Carson. Dr Carson the youngest appointed director of paediatric neurosurgeon in john hopkins university hospital was an amazing figure. You should google it to find how impressive his life story is and should totally watch the movie if you have time.

anyways, in one of his sharing, he pointed out how complex our brain is, how many billions neurons are working in our brain. He asked the crowd, how many of you remember your birthday? for this simple action of raising your hand, do you know complicated it is?

to spell out the mechanism in minutes is tough for me, but for the brain to process the question that we hear passing from our external auditory canal to inner then convert it to chemical energy passing it to our auditory cortex which connects to our motor centre to allow us to raise our hand, it only takes seconds for us to raise up our hand to answer to this stimulus. Awesome right?

and even more awesome is that all these are happening without us realising it. We never even thought about all this thing and our brain are diligently processing it in such amazing manner. Our brain can achieve soooo much without us realising.

so, imagine, what can WE achieve, if we put something that we want to do in our brain, if we are consciously thinking of doing it?

He also mentioned, he operated on many many many brains. And upon opening the skull, underneath the dura is our brain. And all human brains are the same, regardless you are black, white, female, male rich or poor. So, all this are just a cover. What differentiates one to another essentially is how you make use of your brain.

One question that his mother always ask him: do you have brain? if the answer is yes, stop making excuses to the problems and start finding solution. Because what is needed is all up there in our brain. We are equipped with everything we need to solve a problem.

yes, it's all in your mind!

concentration

It's 86 days to my exam. I am planning to schedule it on the 4th April. Here's the link to my prep journal again.

http://www.prep4usmle.com/forum/thread/115662/

CS was a very humbling journey as I got to know many people from all over the world. Some are phd holder, some even got offered a teaching job in my university. But they are all on the same boat as me, fighting to pass this exam.

As I started my preparation for step 1, I realised I am in a very different boat as step 2 ck or cs. After all, it's the first step in the long usmle journey. It is also supposedly the toughest exam. The people whom I met in the forum is definitely different from those in step 2. Many have given up half way or if they fail or scored a below average results. of course, there are people who took the exam for the second or even third time to fight this step 1 giant. The very difference is the determination. How determined you want to pass and do well in this exam.

Been unable to ceoncentrate well this few days. Today I realised, the only thing which can make me feel good is the feeling of accomplishment. And this good feeling is the main push for me to study harder. Of course, the determination.

Had a long discussion with mom yesterday about this issue of determination. How determined and how confident am I to be able to continue my training in the states. For now, honestly I don't know. I can only say I am taking one step at a time and my plan now is to give my best for step 1. But one thing for sure, I want to go higher in this ladder of medicine. I don't want to just be another-doctor-in-the-neighbourhood. I always believe we have to give our best in whatever we do,hopefully we can be at the top the ladder.

May we have the strength and determination to pull through whatever the future holds.

Gratitude

Just saw this quote somewhere

'Gratitude is proportional to happiness.'

 So true.

I have to be more grateful for what I have than what other people have.

Happy New Year

Happy new year!

I am back from the states. It's been a good month, travelling here there, moving from one place to another. Honestly, it was rather tiring. But who am I to complain, it was a fulfilling trip. Going to share what I have learnt from the trip:

1) travelling does open one's horizon- the experience of travelling, especially if you do it back-packing way, cannot be learnt from any book, any documentary on earth. All this thing, you need to experience it yourself. The feeling of being thrown in an unknown place, exploring the place and the culture of the people, is the most valuable thing which I have earned. I always believe that in order to understand a place, one have to stay there long enough, knowing a place cannot be done by just joining a tour, hoping from one tourist spot to another. so, before I have osteoarthritis, I am going to do back-packing style of travelling!

2) we are soooo far back - Being in the states for 3 weeks and also in China for about 12 days, this does make me realise that we are so far back. I am not comparing only to the states, even when I am comparing to China, which was once so underdeveloped, it has now gone far beyond what we have achieved. Take for example public transport, Shang Hai has like one of the fastest train in the world, which runs at a speed of approximately 400km/hr. Amazing right? even the subway system itself is much more developed and organised than us. I once read somewhere, how developed a country is not judged by how big the cars owned by the citizens, it is determined by how developed is the public transport system. We definitely have a lot more to learn.

3) home is still the best - I think I came to that conclusion after I came back from taiwan and singapore one year ago, but I am going to repeat this. Regardless how advanced or how developed other countries are, nothing beats home.
Firstly, the weather. I was so happy when I was embraced by a temperature of double digit when I step out of the airport. you cannot imagine how hard it is to live in a country which is so cold and dry. I had like nose bleed almost everyday due to the dry air. It was sooo troublesome having to check the forecast before going out each day so that we are not under/overdressed. I feel so much lighter back home here not having to wrap myself up with 5 layers!

Secondly, I realise regardless how fluent we are in mandarin or english, there is still a difference when we speak to the caucasian or to the local chinese people. it's not easy to learn the accent, perhaps it takes time. more over, there would definitely be cultural difference. we may understand every single word they say, but we may not be able to catch the meaning due to a cultural difference, vice versa.

Thirdly, you would not imagine how hard it is for me to find a plate of veggie to eat in the states. unlike back home, I normally have like 2 dishes of veggie each meal. there in the states, even to buy a fresh veggie, they only have salad in the normal caucasian supermarket. So, if we are desperate for REAL veggie, we need to go to some korean mart to get them. Of course, that explains the constipation which I got! lol.


and the list will go on and on.

People may ask, if I love back home so much, why I am still pursuing my goal to get to the states for residency training? The trip to the states has definitely make me more determined of my goal - for the reason mentioned above- no 2. we are so far back. Can't use a ruler to gauge how far back we are in medicine, but when I compare myself to my peers who went there to study, I am definitely no where compared to them as far as what I have achieved. It was a humbling experience, to see what other people of my age has already achieved. Perhaps, it's the america culture that pushes people to strive further.

So, to make my resolution of the year:  I am going to stretch my limits, to achieve a greater height in terms of my career, personal attributes and also relationships.

side note, I am starting my step 1 preparation today. ( completed step 2 ck and cs and I am glad that step 2 ck turned out alright! hopefully this will be a motivation for me to perform better in step 1)

2012 has witnessed lots of magical moments, hopefully year 2013 will promise more! Have a blessed year everybody!

Counting down

T minus 1 day for my results.

T minus 3 days before I fly half a globe across to the states.

T minus 13 days before my CS.

Palpitations. Chest tightness. hyperarousability.

Dx: I think I am having panic attack.

Been 3 weeks since I started my CS preparations. Practised with so many people from all over the world via skype, India, Canada, China, Egypt, as well as with my very supportive friends. So practically I have trained myself to understand all different accents, which was kinda interesting.I am thankful for all the help, I definitely learn one thing or two from all of them.

Had lunch with my mentor yesterday. Counting back, I have met him for 4 years, since my attachment in his clinic when I was in second year. Even though it was just a one week clinic attachment, after that we still kept in close contact. He also shared lots of valuable experience with me, brought me to many different international conferences, which were really eye opener for me. Besides, he also kept track on my progress, gave me constant stress which push me to work harder.

At times, I was rather frustrated as some things which he taught may not be up to date, but I stayed quiet. One thing I admire him is his passion for medicine. He still attends medical conference in his area of interest constantly although he is already at the age of retirement. At the age of 70s+, one would expect a relaxing retirement life. Yet, he is still running his clinic and attending all the courses to keep himself updated. You may say its for the money, no. I can assure you its not because of that. from what I observe, he charged patient at the lowest price, and sometimes he even treat some of the patients free of charge. so, I often see rambutans, durians, potatoes, veggies given by the patients as appreciation.

okay, I got distracted. anyways, just sharing my bits of life.

Palpitations. I am praying for the best. Hopefully everything will turn out fine.

Till then, will update after I am back from the states.

Breaking bad news

We doctors learn how to break bad news, in medical school and I am sure it will be one of the question in the communication skills in the specialist exam. We even have mnemonic for it, SPIKES, set up, Perception of the patient before we break the news, Invitation-sort of like the opening before we break the news, Knowledge- that is breaking the news, Emotions/empathy, S-summary and strategy for next step.

Right, so much of theory, especially the empathy part. I guess we will never understand it. We have to say : ''yes, we understand what you are going through, Mrs.. ''But how many really understood the hurricane which is going through in the patient's mind as you unfold the bad news. Not many.

We were even taught stages of accepting death or bad news, namely Denial-->anger ( blaming everybody including the doctor for the misdiagnosis) --> bargain ( bargaining with god) --> depression --> and finally acceptance.

Theory theory theory again. 

Recently, there's a doctor in singapore, late Dr Richard Teo, who passed away after battling with stage IV lung CA. It was hard even for him to accept the news initially. The impact, thankfully was positive, his reflections before he passed away has been shared through the media, facebook, and has reminded us a lot of things.

Have a read here if you haven't come across the article yet.


Putting ourselves in others' shoes has never been easy, especially when you are dealing with the human weakest spot - the fear of death.

Motivation

I realised, every now and then, I have days which I am so pumped up to study, some days which I would just lazed away, the difference is : motivation. So I went up to youtube to look up for some motivation, and I found this, and I am currently watching this: 

'A simple discipline if repeated everyday, can create a success. ' That is definitely so true, imagine a person trying to lose weight ( that's me, lol), by exercising one day, cutting down on high carb diet for one day, we can see not much of a difference. But if this is practised repeatedly, I am sure there will be a major change.

I remember, last time when I was in JC, I could not even pass my Napha-we have this physical education whereby we need to pass several components in order to get a silver/gold medal. The 2.4km run was a dreaded one. But now, I have been running long distance like 10km, and even 25km once. Ok, can't say I am a superb runner, but I am proud of myself, when I look back now, for taking up the challenge, for having this discipline to train almost everyday.

To be a great doctor, I think first and foremost, I need to have a good health myself. It will be shameful if you walk in the clinic, and you see your doctor coughing away there. So, I try my best at every opportunity to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

As much as knowledge is important, I constantly try to feed my soul with lots of motivational quotes, books, videos. I have also installed few apps on my phone which deliver daily inspirational quote for me.

Lastly, quoting from the video, a question one should ask himself everyday:
'What would the person I would like to be, do what I am about to do?'

If you have never thought of 'what would "I" like to be' , it's time to reflect upon this question, before the year ends.

Post battle

I am done with my ck! 9 hours with 300+ questions, I felt that my brain was running a marathon, and every moment I gotta ask myself to keep going! Mental stamina is just as important as physical stamina. When I was watching the prep video, the presenter mention, having this exam is just like asking the examinee: ' Do you want to do this' for 300+ times. As each question unfold, you have to tell yourself, YES I want to do this. The 2.5 months odd preparation was not easy. Maybe I felt it was longer coz I was facing this alone, without any batch mate along with me for this journey! But I am thankful for having few friend in the forum to motivate me!

Anyways, the exam is over. Some questions were easy, some were tough. Results will be out in 3 weeks. Anyways, I am just hoping for the best.

Sometimes, I felt I am such an ungrateful brat. Always complaining this that and sometimes even acting very immaturely. But deep inside, I am really really really grateful for what I have. I am thankful for who I am today, for all the people around me. It's just sometimes I can't control my emotions and mouth. haish. And because of all these, I may have unintentionally hurt people around me. I know I have bad temper and I have to change this! I have been listening to podcast whenever when I am traveling on stuff like EQ etc.

Just as I am continuing my journey, I realise it's important for each person to add value to him/herself. We are given 24 hours each, not more not less. It's up to us how we are going to spend the hour, the minute or the second. I am 25 year old and I realised I haven't achieved much over these years. Value, is a very subjective thing. As I am here filling myself with medical knowledge, I realised it's time to give out to the society, with whatever limited knowledge I have.

So, just as I am done with my ck, I filled up the Mercy Malaysia form. I was quite proud of myself for one second, haha. Reason being, last time I used to fill up the column ambition with 'doctor', now for the very first time, I fill the world 'doctor' to the occupation column, for a good cause :)

I guess in my journey of pursuing the ladder of success, in adding a long list to my resume, I need to add value to my soul. I don't want to lose my human touch along the way.

Ok, this post is quite disorgarnised. Anyways, hope everyone's been good! Can't wait to head to the states soon! now back to my CS preparation! Go go go!

inspirations

As the days draw closer, ( t-14days), my adrenaline is pumping more and more. I do care on how I perform on this exam, not only for the money and time spent, also its a good gauge on where do I stand.

Today, as I scroll through facebook as my entertainment, ok, I know my life is boring, anyways, I felt soo proud of my university, seeing juniors winning national awards,reading my batchmates posts on good perfomance in hospital, admiring how my senior completed and winning 100km trail and making a new national record.

Yes, I have met countless inspiring figures along this journey. What we, the mighty mortal can achieve is unimaginable. What was impossible is made possible. All these things never failed to make me stop and reflect, and what human mind can actually achieve.

And I am truly grateful for being able to meet these people, for being my inspiration, for making me believe in miracles.

Yes, I hope to be one inspiration to others, maybe not now, but future, I hope that this journey of mine can help to inspire others. I hope that with the same insane perseverance which I have been pushing myself with these few years, I can achieve a greater height.

May us be the blessings and inspirations to people around us.

A new chapter of life

It's october! Been away from the blog for too long. Yes, I have graduated, finally. Although I am slightly disappointed that I couldn't achieve my goal, but well, that's life.

''A champion is defined not by their wins but by how they can recover when they fall.'' Serena William -US Open 2012 champion. 

I shall not look back.

Quoting from a friend, we are still considered kindergarten in this journey of medicine. There are much more to come.

and yes, today marks the first day of work for many of my friends! Wherever they are, wish they luck and hopefully with the knowledge which we have acquired in this few years, they will be able to return back to the community!

So what about me? I am choosing another path. Just like the poem by Robert Frost, The Road not Taken, I am taking a far different road, road to the states. Am reading for my steps now, step by step. Taking a baby step each day.

Here's a link to a journal dedicated to my preparations. There are so many many other people out there who are also taking this route, many are mothers of a few, juggling between work, studies and family. So I feel rather 'lucky' to be able to read this step in peace.
http://www.prep4usmle.com/forum/thread/113195/

And yes, 2012, more magical moments to come.

I want the krou of 2013 be able to thank krou of 2012 for making this decision, taking this big step, and to thank krou of 2012 for persevering and working hard. yes. I want to be able to thank myself ( and of course people who have helped me a lot along the way) when I look back.

No regrets. No more.

the very last lap

been missing for some time. partly because I have been very much spending 90% of my time typing for the past few months as part of my assignment to graduate. thankful that the period is over. and now is the final lap. going to have my final exam as medical student in two weeks time.

Also realised I have been changing a lot, over the few months, years, without myself realising. gonna need some reflections after my exam.

Can't wait to plan for my trip to the US after exam. also gotta restart my engine for the prep for USMLE.

every second does count.

jiayouuuu, i believe we can achieve whatever we can dream of, if we put in the extra bit of effort. till then, wish me luck!:)

Life as of now

Life has been very much up and down recently. But I have made a very important decision, one which will affect my life. Standing at this juncture reminded me the time when I was in singapore, to choose to stay or coming back to malaysia. Making decision has never been easy.

But, the situation in back home is really ... I cant find a word to describe this. But I am hoping to get myself trained elsewhere, to be more competent, and hopefully can come home and contribute this place which i call home.

Been reading a few non medical books this few weeks to help myself to make decision. 'Life in three countries, In search of a Home' which describes a doctor's path in searching home, and how he tried so hard but being rejected by his own home country, and finally settling down in another place.

I hope by then time I come home, I will have a better luck. It may seem as an excuse that I am running away now. But to contribute when I am at the bottom of the food chain is not easy. So, I am making a promise here to myself, I will come back, hopefully as a better doctor to help improve the condition back home.

Saying that I want to improve or to contribute to the country may sound very noble or very hypocrytic to some. Perhaps, I can say it is more for a selfish reason. I want to be trained under a structured system. I don't want to be led by a blind, and then blindly leading somebody. why? because we are dealing with lives here.

Trust me, to make this decision to leave home, again, after 7 years away from home is not easy. No words can describe how much I miss home. Looking at my parents when i went home last week, I realised they have aged so much. As I grow up, they are growing old. I once read an article, if you realised that the kitchen in your house is no longer as clean as how it used to be, if you realised your dad's car is not as cleaned as last time, if you realised there are some unrepaired furniture at home, it means your parents are growing old. And, I took time to observe my home during my trip home last week. And true enough, everything at home was different. My mom did not realise my light was not functioning, and she was working under the dimmed light for so long. I cried after the discussion with my parents that I have decided to try my luck to go to the states. But they supported my decision. It was hard, but finally, I have made up my mind.

Yes, I am going to take this exam. And, in the mean time, I may or may not go for housemanship first, depending on my speed of revision. Wish me luck, guys! I really need to do this well.

hello!

Hello from Batu Pahat:) so much have happened since i last posted.

firstly, i passed my final professional exam part 1. and i am really grateful for all the supports, from my parents, and also friends who continuously gave me motivation, especially hwee for her kind words :))

then, the move to this small town called Batu Pahat. it's my 4th week here. slowly, i am adjusting myself to this small town, to the mini imu white house, smaller hospital, and new house environment.

life's crazy so far. facing computer almost like 16 hours a day, i just felt so tired everyday. life is just about portfolio, sleep, eat. somehow, it wasn't as fullfilling as other semesters. I hope its just because i am still not settled down yet.

also, my very hamsap got matched to the programme which she wanted. paediatrician in the house yo! i am so proud of her :)

got my new phone and feel so updated now. lol. the invention is amazing. and i am grateful.

been contemplating much about my life. my future. need to decide fast as we just had our housemanship briefing last week.

living for other people's expectations has never been more tiring. living to please other people is even more tiring.

it's good to make people happy, the first person should be yourself.

happy chinese new year!

yes, it's been long.

had my last posting, gynae here in seremban.

2 more weeks its eos 9. yes 2 more weeks! my very last written paper as medical undergraduate.

2 years, i had met many patients, many doctors, seen so many things. all these enriched my journey in this field. yet, there's still so much more to learn.

humility, something which is so important.

i shall work hard for this remaining 2 weeks. i want to end my medical school well and i will try my best to.

yes, go go go!

happy new year and happy chinese new year! may this year brings lots of blessings to us and may we be the blessings to the people around us.

it's the end and the beginning!

last day of 2011. a year with ups and downs. much loss and much gain.

first week of gynae was not too bad. probably because most lecturers were on leave that we get to skip home early. ward is also not very crowded. not much cases.

something my prof said, which is very inspiring.

' you don't work for reward, you work for excellence and reward will automatically come to you'

learning makes me realise how much i do not know. it's always a life long journey. everyday, i learn to be a better person, a better doctor.

this shall be my motto for 2012.

may 2012 bring everyone lots of love and happiness.

christmas

it's christmas! merry christmas!

had a well spent weekend with family. it was a much needed break, away from all the routines , for me to take a breath before the last lap.

i am really really grateful to have such supportive family, who is always there for me, without which i wouldn't achieved what i have today. being in a traditional chinese family, it's rather hard to express my love to them, but i do hope my actions say it all! thank you.

kept an email in my draft box. contemplating if i should sent it. forgiving is forgetting. there should be a full stop already. i have been dwelling over it for way too long. it's gonna be a new year after all. yes. i am gonna start it right. with the correct mindset.

i will put all my might and strength in the right place. that is to study hard so that i won't be one of those doctors who received multiple complaints. i must be a competent one.

gynaecology! i will so nail you down!

medicine as it is

back to internal medicine posting. one of my favourite postings. wait, i enjoy most of postings, right. lol.

anyway, it's been a tough posting. so much to cover. so little time. less than 7 weeks to eos. stress is building up. i just feel like quitting. i know i can't.

been feeling really drained out. the journey seems never ending. and the journey gets lonelier as i progressed. it's really tiring to try my best in everything. sometimes, i wonder would it be better if i settle for something lesser? but then again, will i regret if i look back next time?

been thinking whether should i just stay here in malaysia for my housemanship? things would be simpler. no hassles. no headache. just follow the flow.

there's a thin line between trying too hard and try your best. i am tired. really.

那些年

watched this show justnow. it just brought back so much memories.

i miss those days when love can be so pure. no lies, no cheating, no excuses. love is just love. 纯纯的爱，蠢蠢的我们.

tears were shed, laughters were shared, but those moments were precious. i really really miss those moments.

as years gone by, falling in love is no longer the same thing. in fact, falling in love and out of love hurts more than falling down and failing. and this just made me feel reserved for love, for loving someone again.

simplicity and sincerity. both are like panda, facing extinction.