power of healing

do doctors have the power of healing? i duno. embarking on this medical journey makes me think of many things. people always say doctors make a great contributions to the society, by saving lives. but many of times doctors can't do anything but to raise a the flag to surrender to some disease, best example would be late stage cancers.

when i was in kkb, i can't forget the way the family of the patient look at me. the look that says: ' please help us" , " we really need you". but there i was, standing there helplessly. can't do anything but staring at the ill patient. i really want to help, but now i do not have the ability yet. the feeling is just depressing.

but next time, when i have gotten my own license, to stand at the frontline, will i still be as helpless? i guess i will feel even worse if i can't do anything but to let the life slip off my hand like that.

am i prepared for all this? facing deaths every single day? treating death like eating? certifying death like reading newspaper? breaking news to the patient's family like telling a story? detaching myself from feeling anything at all?

i know one day, i will be numb with all this. but i guess, when that time comes, it is just plain sad. that i no longer have feelings for death. but i have to be desensitised with this, or else i will suffer.

i can't let patient die because of my mistake, or because i am lack of the knowledge. that's something that my friend said. its very true. getting good results now doesnt guarantee that one will be a good doctor, but to be a good doctor, you first must have the very basic knowledge. so conclusion?

S-T-U-D-Y!

KKB

i am back from kuala kubu baru, or the kiri kanan bukit.haha. i wasn't actually posted to there for rotation this semester but then i just went over during the weekend for the waterfall trip :) but but but, the funny thing is that i didn't even get to go to the waterfall and the pasar malam. instead i spent most of the time at A&E department in kkb hospital and got to see really interesting cases.

first delivery that i get to witnessed makes me appreciate my mom more. the pain is really really really really really unbearable. eventhough i wasn't the one giving birth, i can really feel the pain. i can feel it when the needle was piercing the woman's perianal region. it is just something that you cannot describe with words. but i guess, the woman's pain is not wasted, as a new life was brought to this world and it is the laughter, smile or maybe even the cry of the baby that keeps the woman holding on. i got the chance to hold the baby. i feel so motherly for the second :P and we were saying that we should bring all those teenagers out there who are ignorant about all sexual contraceptives to witness a child birth. that should scare them enough. but i am thinking, why not bring those kanasai people who never appreciate their parents for bringing them to this world, for raising them up, shedding sweats, tears and even blood in the process. that would really slap them awake.

besides serious work, i also went fishing. but this time round, it was night fishing. a totally new experience. rm brought us to a bridge and there we can see so many anglers there, waiting patiently for their next day's lunch/dinner to hook on. when i got down the car, i can really feel the peace in my mind. it just reminds me of the time when we were high up on the peak of the mountain. so calm. so peaceful. and we can hear the waterfall from far vividly. what more with a nice moonlight and thousands of stars.ah, bliss.

we stayed there for the whole night to next morning and almost freze to death the night but it was all worth it. the view in the morning was just AWESOME. i was really smiling inside and outside, something that is missing in me for soooo long. it's not a smile that i have to fake out, that i have to send impulses to cerebral cortex and control my lips muscles to contract and there forms a smile. its just so natural. i feel happy from deep within. and i really miss the feeling.

although we didn't get to go to the waterfall, we spent time at the downstream. it was equally fun:) i guess, its not about the place, but more of the company. hanging out with all guys is not a bad thing afterall, except the dirty jokes part.haha. i was so entertained by the boys musical perfomance(for more than one hour!!!!!!!). and not forgetting the illegal thing that they did, i shall not mention it outloud here. but the experince was truly memorable. i really love u guys, Dr B, rm,kj, cw :):):)

AWESOME scenery:)

the AWESOME guys :)

lastly, THE jump :)

there is this feeling that i have never felt before. it was just so comfortable. i have never felt this way in my life. i just hope time can be stopped at that moment. but to enjoy all this, i know i am sacrificing so many other things. so many things that i have neglected. and i am making myself sinking deeper and deeper. but dun get it wrong, i am not emo-ing. because i enjoyed it, and everyone deserves to enjoy what he/she wants right? :)

bye to the days with home cooked food. bye to the days with nice bed which i can hibernate on.

6 weeks to eos. 6 weeks to new year. 1week to gombak hospital rotation. and 0 day to back in vista.

argh. i have trouble deciding whether i should do my electives in sg or back in msia.

i gained weight like nobody's business after 2 weeks of 'inactivity'.

and i am still feeling as kanasai as ever :(

this post is totally random. i know. sorry.

changes

as we grow older, we change, both physically and mentally. one very fine example is that when we were young, we used to hate green veggie a lot ( at least for me). and we refused to take all those green veggie no matter how hard the adults try to persuade us. i am sure in our mind will be full of questions like why do they kept asking us to eat the disgusting veggie? and why do they have to force themselves to eat the veggie when its not nice? but look, when we grow older, we start to appreciate these green veggie. and we take it even when no one is there forcing us to take. why the difference? its because we have CHANGEd with time. this is a very true fact that i have not realised until a friend of mine mentioned it that day.

yes. we have all changed as we grow older. and these changes are inevitable. it's impossible for us to grow without changing. and with all these changes, it is important to maintain our identity, our principles, and our focus of life. but it is just so hard.

and looking at the people around us changing, will we able to accept their changes? can our perceptions for one another change as we all change with time? can you accept your friend if he/she turns out to be someone that is very different from who you thought he/she was?

the experiences that we are going through are something that are shaping our thoughts. it is from these experiences that we can learn and change to be a better person. going through so many things may be tough, but without these experiences, we won't be able to grow up.

but sometimes, talking to people who have gone through many things in life is very useful as well. we can always gain priceless life experiences from them and learn from their mistakes. it is always wiseful to learn from other people's mistakes because we do not have time to commit so many mistakes. thus, talking to some people for one hour is sometimes worth a lifetime's experience :)

i just came back from johor. looking at my grandparents, i really want to do something for them, at least some small little things. but i just do not know how. the other day when i was jogging in the park, i saw one old lady walking there with the daughter. and she was holding tightly to the daughter's hand. i don't know why, but at the very moment, i was so touched by the very scene. when we are young and can't walk properly, our parents guide us patiently until the day we can walk independantly on our own. and similarly, when our parents grow old, it is our responsibility to guide and help them when they couldn't walk properly. why there are so many people out there who complain complain and complain about their parents, and treat them like a burden. have they forgotten who are the one who guided them properly when they couldn't walk? have they forgotten who are the one who fed them when they couldnt' eat by themselves? have they forgotten who are the one who cleaned them up when they couldn't shower by themselves? so why the complaints now when they have to return the favour for the very same person who did the exact same things for them 30/40 years ago? 'money not enough2' by jack neo is really a good and worth watching production. it really portrays what is happening in today's world.it has touched my heart, and i hope it will do the same to many many sons and daughters out there.

perhaps, to understand your parents' love, you must first raise children yourself. i don't quite agree with this though.

exam

exam is over, but the engine must still be on, for there is one giant monster awaiting us end of december. till then, i must keep moving and moving.

the paper was horritable...but, after the exam i was so happy because of a ridiculous reason.i realised i've been using the word 'ridiculous' and 'kanasai' quite a lot lately. that's because i really really feel that way.

sometimes, there are so many 'should's in life. like i SHOULD be doing this, i SHOULD be feeling this, i SHOULD be at another place...so many shoulds. our actions are not normally portrayed by we are feeling/innermost thoughts, or put in another way. there are many of times that we are not doing things that we really want. but we are influenced by what we SHOULD do or what we are EXPECTED to do and thus, the things that we are doing are normally a big contrary to what we are feeling. is this considered as hypocrisy?

there is one very wise line that i learn from cf that day. 'there are many talented and gifted people in today's world, what we really need are deep people' true enough, how many people in today's world are actually deep thinker? how many people actually have the time to slow down and really think through and reflect on their life, how many people who actually really look at the mistakes that they have done and learn from it?

and for this reason, i am going back to my hometown for the week before rotation posting for a retreat, or perhaps soul retreat. it is time for me to sit down quietly and talk to my soul and my innermost thoughts.

kk, this is getting very serious. few LAME jokes to share here. this is what medical students came out with when they are stressed during exams.

why did the tortoise cross the road?
because it wanted to get to the SHELL station.

what is the lamest part of the body?
hypothaLAMEST (hypothalamus - a part in the brain)

what is the most masculine part of the body?
bundle of HIS ( in the heart)

what pathological condition only affects woman?
HERnia (nia to be pronounced in hokkien slang)

what is the funniest part of the body?
humerus - a bone

where can you see mickey mouse in your body?
disney (this-knee)

where do you see old man turning in your body?
omentum (old man turn)

which disease only affects woman who are very bouncy?
hirshprung disease ( HER spring/sprung)

who is pacman's brother?
parietal cell in the stomach (look at the picture of pariental cell and you will know why)

and the lamest...
what do u get when u spell megakaryocyte wrongly?
or u can rephrase the question as...where do you see giant kairou in your body?
mega KAIROU site...

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA...i know ...sweat...but this is what keeps me going for this exam , in replacement of something else.sigh. i know this way of coping with the problem is very unhealthy for both parties, but but....i don't know.

post exam. time to relax. xy said that day, actually we are really lucky and blessed. our life is just to study, the only thing that we should be worried about is study study and study. after exam we can go enjoy all we want. unlike our parents, who have to worry about so many things, work, household matters, financial, children...shouldn't we be grateful? ya, we should.