Counting down

T minus 1 day for my results.

T minus 3 days before I fly half a globe across to the states.

T minus 13 days before my CS.

Palpitations. Chest tightness. hyperarousability.

Dx: I think I am having panic attack.

Been 3 weeks since I started my CS preparations. Practised with so many people from all over the world via skype, India, Canada, China, Egypt, as well as with my very supportive friends. So practically I have trained myself to understand all different accents, which was kinda interesting.I am thankful for all the help, I definitely learn one thing or two from all of them.

Had lunch with my mentor yesterday. Counting back, I have met him for 4 years, since my attachment in his clinic when I was in second year. Even though it was just a one week clinic attachment, after that we still kept in close contact. He also shared lots of valuable experience with me, brought me to many different international conferences, which were really eye opener for me. Besides, he also kept track on my progress, gave me constant stress which push me to work harder.

At times, I was rather frustrated as some things which he taught may not be up to date, but I stayed quiet. One thing I admire him is his passion for medicine. He still attends medical conference in his area of interest constantly although he is already at the age of retirement. At the age of 70s+, one would expect a relaxing retirement life. Yet, he is still running his clinic and attending all the courses to keep himself updated. You may say its for the money, no. I can assure you its not because of that. from what I observe, he charged patient at the lowest price, and sometimes he even treat some of the patients free of charge. so, I often see rambutans, durians, potatoes, veggies given by the patients as appreciation.

okay, I got distracted. anyways, just sharing my bits of life.

Palpitations. I am praying for the best. Hopefully everything will turn out fine.

Till then, will update after I am back from the states.

Breaking bad news

We doctors learn how to break bad news, in medical school and I am sure it will be one of the question in the communication skills in the specialist exam. We even have mnemonic for it, SPIKES, set up, Perception of the patient before we break the news, Invitation-sort of like the opening before we break the news, Knowledge- that is breaking the news, Emotions/empathy, S-summary and strategy for next step.

Right, so much of theory, especially the empathy part. I guess we will never understand it. We have to say : ''yes, we understand what you are going through, Mrs.. ''But how many really understood the hurricane which is going through in the patient's mind as you unfold the bad news. Not many.

We were even taught stages of accepting death or bad news, namely Denial-->anger ( blaming everybody including the doctor for the misdiagnosis) --> bargain ( bargaining with god) --> depression --> and finally acceptance.

Theory theory theory again. 

Recently, there's a doctor in singapore, late Dr Richard Teo, who passed away after battling with stage IV lung CA. It was hard even for him to accept the news initially. The impact, thankfully was positive, his reflections before he passed away has been shared through the media, facebook, and has reminded us a lot of things.

Have a read here if you haven't come across the article yet.


Putting ourselves in others' shoes has never been easy, especially when you are dealing with the human weakest spot - the fear of death.

Motivation

I realised, every now and then, I have days which I am so pumped up to study, some days which I would just lazed away, the difference is : motivation. So I went up to youtube to look up for some motivation, and I found this, and I am currently watching this: 

'A simple discipline if repeated everyday, can create a success. ' That is definitely so true, imagine a person trying to lose weight ( that's me, lol), by exercising one day, cutting down on high carb diet for one day, we can see not much of a difference. But if this is practised repeatedly, I am sure there will be a major change.

I remember, last time when I was in JC, I could not even pass my Napha-we have this physical education whereby we need to pass several components in order to get a silver/gold medal. The 2.4km run was a dreaded one. But now, I have been running long distance like 10km, and even 25km once. Ok, can't say I am a superb runner, but I am proud of myself, when I look back now, for taking up the challenge, for having this discipline to train almost everyday.

To be a great doctor, I think first and foremost, I need to have a good health myself. It will be shameful if you walk in the clinic, and you see your doctor coughing away there. So, I try my best at every opportunity to adopt a healthy lifestyle.

As much as knowledge is important, I constantly try to feed my soul with lots of motivational quotes, books, videos. I have also installed few apps on my phone which deliver daily inspirational quote for me.

Lastly, quoting from the video, a question one should ask himself everyday:
'What would the person I would like to be, do what I am about to do?'

If you have never thought of 'what would "I" like to be' , it's time to reflect upon this question, before the year ends.

Post battle

I am done with my ck! 9 hours with 300+ questions, I felt that my brain was running a marathon, and every moment I gotta ask myself to keep going! Mental stamina is just as important as physical stamina. When I was watching the prep video, the presenter mention, having this exam is just like asking the examinee: ' Do you want to do this' for 300+ times. As each question unfold, you have to tell yourself, YES I want to do this. The 2.5 months odd preparation was not easy. Maybe I felt it was longer coz I was facing this alone, without any batch mate along with me for this journey! But I am thankful for having few friend in the forum to motivate me!

Anyways, the exam is over. Some questions were easy, some were tough. Results will be out in 3 weeks. Anyways, I am just hoping for the best.

Sometimes, I felt I am such an ungrateful brat. Always complaining this that and sometimes even acting very immaturely. But deep inside, I am really really really grateful for what I have. I am thankful for who I am today, for all the people around me. It's just sometimes I can't control my emotions and mouth. haish. And because of all these, I may have unintentionally hurt people around me. I know I have bad temper and I have to change this! I have been listening to podcast whenever when I am traveling on stuff like EQ etc.

Just as I am continuing my journey, I realise it's important for each person to add value to him/herself. We are given 24 hours each, not more not less. It's up to us how we are going to spend the hour, the minute or the second. I am 25 year old and I realised I haven't achieved much over these years. Value, is a very subjective thing. As I am here filling myself with medical knowledge, I realised it's time to give out to the society, with whatever limited knowledge I have.

So, just as I am done with my ck, I filled up the Mercy Malaysia form. I was quite proud of myself for one second, haha. Reason being, last time I used to fill up the column ambition with 'doctor', now for the very first time, I fill the world 'doctor' to the occupation column, for a good cause :)

I guess in my journey of pursuing the ladder of success, in adding a long list to my resume, I need to add value to my soul. I don't want to lose my human touch along the way.

Ok, this post is quite disorgarnised. Anyways, hope everyone's been good! Can't wait to head to the states soon! now back to my CS preparation! Go go go!