200th post

wow. this is my 200th post. i am amazed myself. this blog witnessed my process of growing up. i hope these posts here will be gentle reminder for myself not to repeat mistakes which i have done due to my naiveness.

being in accident and emergency department for one week has taught me a lot. red zone can either be a havoc like a disaster scene or as quiet as library. during the havoc period, thats when us as medical students get to kaypoh a bit and try to learn.

and during these havoc moments, thats when i realised i just cant think straight when i am nervous. thus a lesson to learn, i have to remain calm, controlled, confident, focused and observant, even when the world is in a storm. Have you heard of in the midst of the stormy disaster, the most tranquil place to be is in the eye of the hurricane? i want to be there in the midst of a storm.

and the only way to do so is by experience , experience, and experience. only through experiences we will gain confidence. i remembered how my hand trembled when i first attempted to insert an intravenous line. now, i can confidently put in one :)

being in the field which death is such a common matter made me feel desensitised. somehow, i feel cold. feel apathy towards patient's pain. i do not want to be this way. but the more i have seen, the colder i have became. and this is worrying.

i love the on calls at night in A&E. because it keeps me occupied. instead of sitting infront of my books passively trying to absorb the never ending medical knowledge, the running up and down in A&E is as good as jogging/swimming. and at the end of the day, i will feel so tired that i collapsed in the bed after getting home. spare my mind from thinking about nonsense.

i just cant wait to leave here. to be away from all this. 5 more weeks!

reasons to smile

got a package from my dear postwoman, wy, all the way from philly :) it really warm my heart. reading through the postcards made me feel loved, this familiar feelings which i have long forgotten. hamsap, you just never failed to make me smile ( and tear) :)

and in the postcard, there's one line which i once wrote, which i have forgotten,

'you know, your ventricles need to pump very hard to circulate blood through your body. For every pulse, every breath, there are so many things happening in your body. so, don't waste your heart beat'

well said. i know have been wasting my heartbeat.and i know there's a sequelae everytime i get hurt. i know i have made people who care about me worried.

weekend break back in kuantan made me realised how much i have made my mom worried. she said i look cachexic. i have lost the radiant on my face.i have lost the smiles. and her heart aches when she sees me like this. i need to take that fresh new step forward, and not allowing myself to fall deeper.



anyway, thankyou hamsap!for everything!for being the very special person :)