wake me up when sept ends

currently listening: wake me up when september ends - greenday.

october is coming. it's scary , isnt it? that time passed so fast. some friends have actually asked what do i want for my birthday this year.

there's only one simple answer to this question, i want to be happy, to be how kairou used to be.

when was the last time i really feel happy? that was on the speedboat at kk, when queen was sitting beside me, and she turned and asked, how are you feeling? deep in my heart, i felt happy that time, if i can disregard the fear of coming back to uni.

msk is over. and soon ( tmr!!!) we will be starting cns, the last system. and again, the fear is back, after one week of break.

i know, soon all these will be over. but before that, there's one major giant that i need to overcome first. but the motivation is still not there. yesterday while i was sitting in the library, i looked around, everybody else is studying so hard. and i asked myself, shouldn't you be like them too? yes, i want to be like them too. at least, that's what i should be doing.

'' a feeling greater possessions, no matter of what kind they may be, will themselves bring contentment or happiness, is a misunderstanding. no person, place or thing can give you happines. they may give you cause of happiness and a feeling of contentment, but the Joy Of Living comes from within.'' Genevieve Behrend : The Secret

song of the month: october skies

Autumn brings a song I sing so desperately
These shattered dreams
October skies and city lights were all a blur
And high tide came washing them away
I said

september sky

life

spend a great ( not so productive ) raya weekend back in hometown + went for a 3 days trip at awana kijal, terengganu. it felt different to be there again. i can't explain what is the difference.

anyway, my relatives were there too. thus, bye bye to my study plan! was trying sooo hard to focus with the background of them playing/chatting away. but, some interesting observations which i noticed. there's really a big difference in the content of the conversations between adults and children.

adulthood: my parents and auntie uncle were talking about how to earn a better living, so as to better enjoy life and to prepare for a good retirement, and also to provide a better life to their offsprings.

children's world: my cousins were arguing away about some cartoons/ songs/ anything that they can argued under the sun. they were practically enjoying their life, without much worries.

not-so-adult-yet-not-so-children's world: i think i am classified in this category. recalling the conversations which i shared with my friends, i think we were talking about life most of the time. the purpose of life to be precise. maybe as we step into adulthood, we will gain a better understanding Of life. or maybe not. perhaps that time we will be too busy worrying about earning a living than understanding life. or perhaps human's mind function differently at different age.

haish. i think i failed to bring across the point that i wanted to point out. my brain is back there in my hometown. anyway, i guess, the important thing is to accept whatever that life has prepared for us with an open heart.

dying is not painful ( i am not so sure about this though ) ; but not living is worse!

oh, before i forget, there's one other conversation/monologue which i forget to mention.

baby's world: ee yek ta akkk moommomm.. translated as: i duwan to grow up! =P

joey and me ( sounds like marley and me . lol )

after 4 days 3 nights of report rushing, with only average of 3-4 hours sleep per night, i finally handed in the 60papes report today. didn't even know how i survived it, probably with yc's constant bugging (lol), and also with the-best-in-vista-and-some-say-bukit-jalil's-roti-pisang bought by hoay.wohoo.

joke of the day, i was too tired and took a nap right when i reached home. sooon when i woke up ( at 6pm EVENING) i went to the toilet and brush my teeth. who in the world brush teeth at that time of the day! haha =P anddd..the worse thing is, this is not the first time.lol.

lesson of the day, ignorance is really a bliss sometimes. the more you know, the more you are afraid to find out.

craving of the day, mom's home cooked curry fish head. slurpp! 5 more days! yay!

blessings of the day, had a good sleep last night and this afternoon after soooo long.

it has been a taxing week. rushing report, and at the same time trying to finish up the piled up notes. despite of the tiredness, every night i have the same problem. i think the sheep is bored of seeing me every night already. should try counting chicken or duck tonight.

'' catch myself
from despair
i could drown
if i stay here
keeping busy everyday
i know i will be
ok''
Gabrielle: out of reach

i am tired. really tired now. too tired to feel anything. it's less than one month. as the day draws closer, my fear is getting more and more.

but i have been pretty much occupied with things, things that i should be doing. i miss the feeling of being satisfied with myself, satisfied with whatever that i have accomplished.

and for the first time after sooooo long, i feel satisfied yesterday. i felt happy putting the fertilisers under the hot sun. felt happy weeding the plants. felt happy talking to the people at the home. because, at least i know i am useful. i know i can't help everyone out there. i know i can't make much difference in the society. but at least, i try my best to make a difference to people whom i come into contact with.

i read this from a book yesterday.
''what you focus on EXPANDS, when you let go of problems, they let go of you.''
~andrew matthews

let go.

on a random note, i found some random pictures =P

mom, bro, and myself -2mths old

convo magazine pic!

at least now i know the rice that i have eaten all these years are not wasted. i have changed so much, physically and mentally. i miss the times when i was young, naive and ignorant. when i look at my niece now, i realised there are things which i can learn from her. children are genuine. they show their feelings.

they smile, only when they really want to. and they don't need much to smile. they can smile at anything naturally. when i look at my niece, i smile, and that's the most sincere smile that i can put on, without much effort. it's sad that it needs a lot of effort to even smile now.
children cry. they dare to cry when they feel unhappy, anytime, infront of anyone. they express themselves freely , and to them, it's absolutely alright to do so. it's sad that it needs a lot of courage to cry infront of someone now, that you have to pretend to be strong all the time.

pfft. i don't want to grow old.

happy birthday px and leanne!

made this video for px's 21st birthday. really thankyou to those that put in effort to record the video . glad to hear from you guys from different parts of the world :)

happy birthday ah pox!

anddd not forgetting, happy birthday too, my LIANA :) :) :)

it's worse when

it doesn't matter anymore

or

it matters, but i don't care

or

i care, but i didnt want to let myself to feel anything.



it's scary how time flies and tick away just like that. but, i don't care. i am letting every second to slip out of my fingers just like that.

it's really funny how different things are, and how fast they can change without you realising it. but i don't care.

it's sad when..i stood at the balcony looking at the bright moon , dark sky with twinkling stars, but i don't feel anything anymore.

i know i am letting down people who cares.i am sorry. but i can't help it. now.

as you make a decision, you gain something, and lose something. i hope i am not losing myself as i take this step.

calling

calling.

infront of my study table, there's something that i wrote to motivate myself to keep going. it has been there for the past 1year+

there are two types of pain, pain of disciplining yourself or pain of regretting. it kept me going and going whenever i feel like stopping, because i chose to suffer the pain of disciplining over the pain of regretting.

then today, a friend of mine shared a quote with me.

'' self discipline without a goal is just equivalent to self punishment.''

well said!

and it kept me thinking for awhile. what's my goal? which reminds me of something that i read yesterday.

http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2009/8/31/lifefocus/4594116&sec=lifefocus

hmmm. hmmm. hmmm.

pain

pain.

i went running the other day, after so long. it felt sooooooo GOOD to sweat once again. the satisfaction was just great :D but then again, my ankle pain greeted me again after barely 15mins or so of running. but i feel happy.

but, next day, i went running again, despite of the pain. this time to the park that i really miss. i felt the same after running. happy. pain.

it's funny, isn't it? that we allow ourselves to suffer with the pain again and again, just for that transient moment of happiness. we know we are going to fall down if we step on the ground . yet, we chose to go ahead. and came back with wounds everywhere. again and again. irony.


'' as time passes, you will long less for what you had yesterday and experience more of what you have today''

~ letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb

i am learning to appreciate what i have now. slowly.

and today, when i was running in the gym, i look at the mirror in front of me. i look at every step that i've taken. i look at my leg movement. i look at my ankle. i look at the sweats. i feel the pain. but ignoring the pain, i continue. because i believe i will reach my target soon. sometime. some day.

'' when i am in a dark tunnel, i want to be with people who love me enough to sit in the darkness with me and not stand outside telling me how to get out''
~ letters to Sam by Daniel Gottlieb

so yep, thankyou again, just for your mere presence :)