care

so true. i feel, we always tend to hurt the people who care for us.

i need more strength

got back ortho and psy results ytd. i got my first A in clinical school, and also first failure in my medical school.zzz. still can't believe i failed the ortho paper. and still can't believe i got A for the ortho clinical exam. irony. anyway, i am thankful that i didn't fail both the paper and clinical, considering i have such a horrible posting with so much distractions.

went back to the ward on a friday nite. paeds ward was quiet. so we got a chance to speak to the houseman who is oncalling. when asked how's the life of a houseman, she said, the worst day as a medical student is nothing comparable to a day as a houseman.

responsibilities, scoldings, are what you get everyday. you will feel stupid everyday. you will wonder what you actually learn in the 5 years of medical school. you try very hard everyday, but its never enough. thats what she said.

i remember i saw a specialist scolding a houseman, and infront of everyone, her tears rolled down. at that moment, i told myself, i should never never be like that. i must train my crying tolerance level so that i won't cry so easily.

and despite the increasing number of houseman, the workload is still a lot. just yesterday, a houseman was involved in accident after oncalling because it was just so tiring.


huhu. i am scared. i am not sure if i have the mental ( and physical) strength to go through all this.

but at the end of the conversation, she told us, whatever happened, just tell yourselves, never never give up.

yes, i have to keep telling myself, never never give up!

man vs machine

today, during our class, we were discussing murmurs found in child, which most likely due to congenital heart disease. the lecturer asked what should we know as a medical student/future doctor? to know there IS a murmur, or to recognise what is it? his answer was, we are only required to know if there there IS a murmur, coz everything after that will be answered by a machine called echocardiogram.

last time, when there wasn't echo, doctors are expected to come out with diagnosis and management just by using stethoscope. things has changed huh? i wonder will it be a day that clinical skills are no longer important anymore, and everything is replaced by robotic machine, they can make the diagnosis, they can manage the patient.

what is different of us and machine is that we have clinical skills to recognise different signs, which a machine could not do, the rest can be done by a machine. anyone can just google their symptoms online and get the management plan easily. but, with more and more medical schools mushrooming here in msia, i wonder if we will get enough training for our clinical skills. if we are competent next time. if we can do better than what a machine does.

but i do hope i can work like a machine now. recharge by plugging in and can work once fully charged. i am so tired already. zzz. 10 weeks to EOS. ohman! howtostudy7postingsalltogether.to handle the current posting is tough already, to revise the past postings are insane.

machines are good because they have no feelings. they are not emotionally attached to anyone.

but when they could not take it, they break down.

i really really hope things can end up in different way :(

its the kids!

yep, i am now in paeds! bye bye to bones, and here come the kids. first day in the paeds ward just made me miss my niece more. i am going to head down and meet her this weekend :)

just finished ortho and psy exam last week, rushed back to kuantan, not to rest, but to rush my 5case summaries. i remember seniors telling me during my phase1, semester5 is like walking in the park, and clinical sch is like running up mount k. to walk up to mount k is tough enough, i couldn't imagine running up. but i undstn how it feels now. i barely have time to breath before the new posting starts. and i foresee things will just keep coming and coming till feb next year.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i want to go up to a mountain and scream my heart out. but i don't even have any energy left to climb up. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i feel like going home again, eventhough i just went home over the weekend. i miss my parents. and the warmth at home. and most importantly, i dread coming back to my room, driving my car, passing by seremban town, coz it reminds me of somebody. blah.

i thought things could be better. but i was wrong :(

晴天雨天

下了好多场雨， 几时是天晴呢？

zzz

i have been having hypersomnia recently, which is like excessive daytime sleepiness everyday. sleep sleep sleep! i hope i can sleep all day long, but this is not possible. bah.

switched to female ortho ward this week. a pretty young girl in the ward caught everyone's attention. later then we know she was involved in the 101010 accident. the one who survived miraculously despite being crushed under the bus. she had a spine injury and it may be irreversible. and she is only 20 years old.

i don't know if its because of nn that made me feel this way for the girl. is it better to be like nn or to survive like this girl? what can she do now? what can she do for her future? it is heart wrenching to see her lying on the bed, and look up to ceiling hopelessly everyday.

she is one of the beds i am supposed to clerk. but i just didnt have the courage to talk to her. wanted to console her, motivate her, encourage her. but i just didnt do that. because i know i will be feeling far worse if i am in her shoes. she is stronger than me already.

when i look at her everyday, i asked myself, who I am to complain? I have no rights at all to complain.

for the very least, i can still walk.