heart beat

We learn about heart sound, S1 and S2. and in some individuals, there are S3 and/or S4.

lup dup lup dup.

thats how it should be.

recently, there is this new song by leehom, 心跳,(heart beat) . i love this song :) and at the end of the song, there is this monologue by leehom, saying that in this busy life that we have, sometimes, we should slow down and listen to our heart beat. yes, very true indeed.

the other day, before my exam, i took out my stethoscope and put it over my heart region. lup dup lup dup lup dup. listening my heart beat, i asked myself, is this truly what i want? is this really the path that i want?

i doubt myself. whether i am really suitable to be who i want to be? i have gone through 1 year+ of medical school, yet, the knowledge that i need to know, is so much, that it is more than i could handle. learning, memorizing, regurgitating, and forgetting. it seems like a cycle. whatever that i thought i have remembered, seem to evaporate in no time.

listening to my heart beat, i asked myself again and again, whether i really can endure this path that i have chosen, the long hours, the never ending committment, the sacrifices, the tonnes of responsibilities. lup dup lup dup...can somebody please translate this to me?

i guess, this journey in med school not only taught me medical knowledge, it makes me think. and taught me to learn about myself. and i am slowly enjoying it.

some one once told me: Don't waste your heartbeat! yes, true enough :)






i listen to it again. lup ........dup........

it just contracts in agony. slower and slower...

''when someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone'' - for one more day- Mitch Albom

can you stop becoming the autonomic nervous system of my body. please don't affect my heartbeat anymore.i have my own regulation.

it's almost one year.

and i always wonder, do you know all this is happening?

lup dup lup dup.

slower and slower...day by day.

I love you :)

this morning, i went jogging with my dad :) half way around the lake, my dad stopped. he said he is tired and asked me to continue. at that moment, it struck me that my dad is old. he is no longer the man that used to run faster than the wind in running competition. no longer able to chase after his son from upstairs to downstairs and back to upstairs. no longer able to be like how he used to be.

as we grow up, our parents grow old. recently, something that happened in my family made me realise my parents will leave me anytime. one friend asked me, are you prepared for all these? to face all these unforeseen incidents? my answer is no. it never occur to me that my parents will leave me. i know i am naive to think that they will always be there for me, forever. but, i am just not prepared.


''have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish had back.'' mitch albom - for one more day

I LOVE YOU, thats the one thing that i want to say to my parents now, but being brought up in a way that we don't normally express our love verbally, its pretty hard for me to say it to them, neither do they say it to me. but i know, they love me more than anyone else on earth. some people say 'i love you' so easily, just like saying 'how are you' . its hard for me to say it unless i really mean it. and in my family, we just weren't brought up this way to express our love to each so openly. haha. i guess, we show our love by actions :)

emptiness

today when i was reading something, i was reminded of the time in singapore, when i used to walk from SA to the mrt and then from mrt back to hostel. i don't normally walk alone, but there are times when i will walk alone back. and these are the time when i will spend time talking to myself, planning my schedule .many many other things will run through my head during this short period of time. in this 15mins, i can very well plan ahead my schedule for the rest of the day and next day.

i wonder whether it is because i don't walk as much here in msia, or is it because i no longer fight for every single second that now i no longer utilise my time as how i used to last time. i remember the time in singapore, i dun even have time to sit down and think that i have to use that short journey from school to hostel to think and plan. every second counts. but now, sometimes, i will just sit and stone. i no longer walk as fast as i used to. i no longer eat as fast as i used to. i no longer fight for every second.

why?

i duno why. but i just know that, i wasted so much time, just like water from the running water tap. and sadly, there is no turning back, the water can't flow in reverse direction back to its source. time, just like water, is precious. but why do i take it so lightly now? where is the old self that used to care so much, even a second?

this makes me feel so empty.

and now, after eos3, i feel even emptier. feel like there is no goal. i kinda miss the pre-eos period, when i know i just have to fight and fight and fight. because i know i have this exam to pass.

some friend once sent me a msg during the exam period, which i think is pretty inspiring:

Somewhere in Africa, a gazelle wakes up at the break of dawn.
now this gazelle knows that it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Somewhere else in Africa, a lion wakes up at the break of dawn.
now this lion knows that it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.
it doesn't matter whether you're the lion or the gazelle,
What matters is when the sun rises, you'd better be running."

but sometimes, i wonder,day and night, study study study. but at the end of the day, i study because i know i have to. i just have to. honestly, i still couldn't find the reason and motivation behind it. fight fight fight, what for?

yet another emptiness.



and



everyday without you makes me feel even emptier. it sucks to feel this way. it sucks to prevent myself from getting closer to you, when deep down inside i know i want to. when can i do things that i really want? when can i be honest to you?


i really hope to get out of this emptiness.



anyway, happy birthday jeannie (17!) and xinying :):):)

#this marks my 100th posts.

2009

it is now 2009!

how did i spent the last day of 2008? 3clinical examinations, 2 history taking in the morning, followed by GI notes in the evening. just as the clock struck 12, just as the rest of the world are partying outside to usher in 2009, i was reading my haemorrhagic fever notes, studying different types of virus, and yet i couldn't answer the question on this topic the next day. urgh!

sleep-study-eat-shower-study-study-study-study

that's practically how i spent my 5 weeks before the year ends, all because my final exams is on 30th and 31st dec, extending to 2nd and 3rd jan. you may think that it is quite sad to spend the last few days of 2008 this way, but i actually felt quite happy. quoting from barath's msn pm, we may be studying on new year's eve, but who knows whatever that we are studying on that night might save a person's life 10 years down the road. and i guess, as we take the hippocratic oath on the first day of medical school, we would have expected this. no new year, no christmas, no what so ever celebrations for many years to come. this is because, there are people falling ill every second, regardless whether it is new year or just a normal day. so we should always be prepared for this.

anyway, results was out yesterday. i look back at the past 5 weeks, it was not easy. to go through all this. but i am really glad to have one bunch of friends who are going through the same thing with me. be it practising csu together, having some 'intellectual' discussions, or even to the extent of preparing our own emq/meq questions ,all this kept me on track despite many many many distractions. and most importantly, during this period, encouraging messages, calls, cakes, dessert and food or even a small gesture like saying JIAYOU! to each other are the things that kept me going and going. and i am very glad to have this study buddy of mine, who kept pushing me, and at the same time feeding me with lots of motivational food. without him, i guess i wouldn't have been able to finish studying all the 4 systems.

and now, i am going to sum up my 2008. being a second year medical student, coping with many new things everyday, learning proper clinical skills, and most importantly adapting and understanding more about inter-personal skills. i guess, this is a year of change, not physically, but i feel it is a year of self discovery. i feel, the two years in singapore has broaden my perspectives, exposing me to many many new things. and here in imu, i feel that i really grow. grow to understand people around me, and at the same time grow to understand what i really want.

2008 is a year filled with lots of laughter and tear. a year with lots of ups and downs. a year which i lost something that i treasured so much but gaining other things in return. thats life.

one very important thing that i learn in 2008 is that, whatever happened, happened for a reason. and never do things that will make yourself regret. but somehow i realised, 10 years down the road, we will be regret of the things that we didnt do, rather than the things that we did. hmmph.i duno.

2009 will be a great year:) many many great things awaiting us. it is time to flip to another chapter, a colorful chapter filled with lots of happiness and love.