last day of 2011. a year with ups and downs. much loss and much gain.
first week of gynae was not too bad. probably because most lecturers were on leave that we get to skip home early. ward is also not very crowded. not much cases.
something my prof said, which is very inspiring.
' you don't work for reward, you work for excellence and reward will automatically come to you'
learning makes me realise how much i do not know. it's always a life long journey. everyday, i learn to be a better person, a better doctor.
this shall be my motto for 2012.
may 2012 bring everyone lots of love and happiness.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
christmas
it's christmas! merry christmas!
had a well spent weekend with family. it was a much needed break, away from all the routines , for me to take a breath before the last lap.
i am really really grateful to have such supportive family, who is always there for me, without which i wouldn't achieved what i have today. being in a traditional chinese family, it's rather hard to express my love to them, but i do hope my actions say it all! thank you.
kept an email in my draft box. contemplating if i should sent it. forgiving is forgetting. there should be a full stop already. i have been dwelling over it for way too long. it's gonna be a new year after all. yes. i am gonna start it right. with the correct mindset.
i will put all my might and strength in the right place. that is to study hard so that i won't be one of those doctors who received multiple complaints. i must be a competent one.
gynaecology! i will so nail you down!
had a well spent weekend with family. it was a much needed break, away from all the routines , for me to take a breath before the last lap.
i am really really grateful to have such supportive family, who is always there for me, without which i wouldn't achieved what i have today. being in a traditional chinese family, it's rather hard to express my love to them, but i do hope my actions say it all! thank you.
kept an email in my draft box. contemplating if i should sent it. forgiving is forgetting. there should be a full stop already. i have been dwelling over it for way too long. it's gonna be a new year after all. yes. i am gonna start it right. with the correct mindset.
i will put all my might and strength in the right place. that is to study hard so that i won't be one of those doctors who received multiple complaints. i must be a competent one.
gynaecology! i will so nail you down!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
medicine as it is
back to internal medicine posting. one of my favourite postings. wait, i enjoy most of postings, right. lol.
anyway, it's been a tough posting. so much to cover. so little time. less than 7 weeks to eos. stress is building up. i just feel like quitting. i know i can't.
been feeling really drained out. the journey seems never ending. and the journey gets lonelier as i progressed. it's really tiring to try my best in everything. sometimes, i wonder would it be better if i settle for something lesser? but then again, will i regret if i look back next time?
been thinking whether should i just stay here in malaysia for my housemanship? things would be simpler. no hassles. no headache. just follow the flow.
there's a thin line between trying too hard and try your best. i am tired. really.
anyway, it's been a tough posting. so much to cover. so little time. less than 7 weeks to eos. stress is building up. i just feel like quitting. i know i can't.
been feeling really drained out. the journey seems never ending. and the journey gets lonelier as i progressed. it's really tiring to try my best in everything. sometimes, i wonder would it be better if i settle for something lesser? but then again, will i regret if i look back next time?
been thinking whether should i just stay here in malaysia for my housemanship? things would be simpler. no hassles. no headache. just follow the flow.
there's a thin line between trying too hard and try your best. i am tired. really.
Sunday, December 04, 2011
那些年
watched this show justnow. it just brought back so much memories.
i miss those days when love can be so pure. no lies, no cheating, no excuses. love is just love. 纯纯的爱，蠢蠢的我们.
tears were shed, laughters were shared, but those moments were precious. i really really miss those moments.
as years gone by, falling in love is no longer the same thing. in fact, falling in love and out of love hurts more than falling down and failing. and this just made me feel reserved for love, for loving someone again.
simplicity and sincerity. both are like panda, facing extinction.
Thursday, December 01, 2011
can you believe it's december?
NOOOOO! seriously, time flies. i know i kept repeating this.
i looked back at how i have spent this whole year. i remember i was typing obstetrics case report on the eve of new year last year. i believe i would be doing the same this year for gynaecology. and repeating the cycle of mugging like crazy during chinese new year. but i was glad, for the reward which i have gotten. but it's really putting a great burden on my heavy loaded shoulder.
then i started the new semester. the supposedly more relaxing semester. i fall in love and fall out of love. like a dream. but there's must be a reason something happened. maybe i just don't know yet.
then i went through the whole semester very miserably. and then its my elective period. taiwan and singapore. it was a good break. away from everything.
then back to semester 9. i can't believe i am in my final year of medical school. fast huh?
now, i felt the pressure whenever everybody asked what year i am in? and each time people say, means next year you will be a doctor already?
yes. i am going to be. i will be one. but i don't want to settle to just a doctor. i want to be a good one. and it takes extra step to be one. so i kept telling myself, i just have to grind my teeth and go through this.
i like the hectic life. at least it keeps me from thinking nonsense. somehow, i should be thankful that things ended this way.
anyway, i promise myself that i will make sure 2011 ends in a good way. jiayou everybody!
i looked back at how i have spent this whole year. i remember i was typing obstetrics case report on the eve of new year last year. i believe i would be doing the same this year for gynaecology. and repeating the cycle of mugging like crazy during chinese new year. but i was glad, for the reward which i have gotten. but it's really putting a great burden on my heavy loaded shoulder.
then i started the new semester. the supposedly more relaxing semester. i fall in love and fall out of love. like a dream. but there's must be a reason something happened. maybe i just don't know yet.
then i went through the whole semester very miserably. and then its my elective period. taiwan and singapore. it was a good break. away from everything.
then back to semester 9. i can't believe i am in my final year of medical school. fast huh?
now, i felt the pressure whenever everybody asked what year i am in? and each time people say, means next year you will be a doctor already?
yes. i am going to be. i will be one. but i don't want to settle to just a doctor. i want to be a good one. and it takes extra step to be one. so i kept telling myself, i just have to grind my teeth and go through this.
i like the hectic life. at least it keeps me from thinking nonsense. somehow, i should be thankful that things ended this way.
anyway, i promise myself that i will make sure 2011 ends in a good way. jiayou everybody!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
paeds
exam in two days time!
if there's one lesson to learn from paediatrics posting, it is the care for patients in which the paediatricians have shown.
i can't helped but to admire the paediatrician. they really really really do care a lot about the patient, not just the disease alone, but the patient as a whole.
i have learnt that to be a good doctor, you just need to have the heart (心) for patients, treating them like how you would want to be treated or how you would want your family members to be treated.
it's not easy. but i will definitely set them as my role model.
and, another important thing, i want a paediatrician to be my husband la. for the same reason! lol.
if there's one lesson to learn from paediatrics posting, it is the care for patients in which the paediatricians have shown.
i can't helped but to admire the paediatrician. they really really really do care a lot about the patient, not just the disease alone, but the patient as a whole.
i have learnt that to be a good doctor, you just need to have the heart (心) for patients, treating them like how you would want to be treated or how you would want your family members to be treated.
it's not easy. but i will definitely set them as my role model.
and, another important thing, i want a paediatrician to be my husband la. for the same reason! lol.
Friday, November 11, 2011
11.11.11
haha. that's 10 days after 1st of Nov. i have to change the date for this post. lol. can't possibly post this at that very minute coz i was in the hospital that time.
2 weeks into paeds. loving it. but i realised sem9 postings are just so short. 4 weeks. gone with no time. i don't how prepared i will be at the end of the posting, is that sufficient? some posting i wont be revisiting until i am working. which means i will be equipped with this knowledge and skill to treat real patient out there. scary huh. i think so too.
somehow i just can't escape falling sick in paeds posting. been coughing my lungs out. don't know is it the bugs in paeds ward or its the over-singing. being a medical person, i know i know, this is most likely be due to infective cause. but somehow i just want to relate it to singing k. lol. but shouting out my heart was therapeutic.
lessons learnt for this week. no matter how good you are, you can only be better if you are humble.humility is something which i need to learn. but there is a thin line between humility and lack of confidence.
got a surprised gift from my senior working alor setar hospital. thats the first time i got a ball pen as gift. with my name engraved on it somore :)) sometimes, its really the sincerity that counts. but sincerity is hard to come by in such world.
andd, one step at a time, i think i am healing :)
2 weeks into paeds. loving it. but i realised sem9 postings are just so short. 4 weeks. gone with no time. i don't how prepared i will be at the end of the posting, is that sufficient? some posting i wont be revisiting until i am working. which means i will be equipped with this knowledge and skill to treat real patient out there. scary huh. i think so too.
somehow i just can't escape falling sick in paeds posting. been coughing my lungs out. don't know is it the bugs in paeds ward or its the over-singing. being a medical person, i know i know, this is most likely be due to infective cause. but somehow i just want to relate it to singing k. lol. but shouting out my heart was therapeutic.
lessons learnt for this week. no matter how good you are, you can only be better if you are humble.humility is something which i need to learn. but there is a thin line between humility and lack of confidence.
got a surprised gift from my senior working alor setar hospital. thats the first time i got a ball pen as gift. with my name engraved on it somore :)) sometimes, its really the sincerity that counts. but sincerity is hard to come by in such world.
andd, one step at a time, i think i am healing :)
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
1.11.11
its november already. and i am in my third posting now! 2 more to go and its THE exam.
paediatrics, one of my favourite posting. looking at the ill kids, i am thankful that i was a cute and healthy child. and i when look at parents of kids labelled with different syndrome, eg down syndrome, i wonder how they actually feel. i have always wanted to understand them, to feel what they are feeling and how they are coping. but it's hard to establish the close relationship. i admire them, for their love, their courage, and how they accepted god gift's in silence.
i don't know how i will react if i am in their place. having to take care a child is difficult, but having to take care of a sick child, who will be dependant on you forever is even harder. for one thing, he may not even be able to call you 'mama'.
there's so much thing to be thankful in life. i kept reminding myself this. but i don't know why i kept dwelling in the past. crying over the same thing again and again.
saw a meaningful quote the other day.
there's a professor who was telling his students about a joke. the first time he told that, everybody laughed. he repeated the joke next day. lesser students laughed. and by the time he repeated 10 times, nobody laughed. moral of the story is we don't laugh over the same joke over and over again. then why cry over the same thing over and over again!
paediatrics, one of my favourite posting. looking at the ill kids, i am thankful that i was a cute and healthy child. and i when look at parents of kids labelled with different syndrome, eg down syndrome, i wonder how they actually feel. i have always wanted to understand them, to feel what they are feeling and how they are coping. but it's hard to establish the close relationship. i admire them, for their love, their courage, and how they accepted god gift's in silence.
i don't know how i will react if i am in their place. having to take care a child is difficult, but having to take care of a sick child, who will be dependant on you forever is even harder. for one thing, he may not even be able to call you 'mama'.
there's so much thing to be thankful in life. i kept reminding myself this. but i don't know why i kept dwelling in the past. crying over the same thing again and again.
saw a meaningful quote the other day.
there's a professor who was telling his students about a joke. the first time he told that, everybody laughed. he repeated the joke next day. lesser students laughed. and by the time he repeated 10 times, nobody laughed. moral of the story is we don't laugh over the same joke over and over again. then why cry over the same thing over and over again!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
after 2 cycles
2 cycles means i am 24 now! a lot of things running through my mind.
spending more than 12 hours in the ward on my birthday is not a good sign. i love being in hospital, i love talking to patient, but i think there's much more in life than spending all my time in hospital. afterall, career is not the only thing which shape a person's life.
i wonder where i will be next year this time. i hate to come to a junction again.
stress is coming from everywhere, within and externally.
can somebody please tell me things will get better.
saw a note on someone's tshirt during my 10km run yesterday.
''it hurts up to a point and it doesn't get any worse''
i hope so.
spending more than 12 hours in the ward on my birthday is not a good sign. i love being in hospital, i love talking to patient, but i think there's much more in life than spending all my time in hospital. afterall, career is not the only thing which shape a person's life.
i wonder where i will be next year this time. i hate to come to a junction again.
stress is coming from everywhere, within and externally.
can somebody please tell me things will get better.
saw a note on someone's tshirt during my 10km run yesterday.
''it hurts up to a point and it doesn't get any worse''
i hope so.
Monday, October 10, 2011
unpredictability
second week in surgery. i am starting to rekindle my love for surgery. there's much more to it than just cut cut and cut.
having to cover the ward everyday, reaching the ward before sunrise is just plain tiring. but going back to this posting the second time made me understood lots of things which i did not understand when i was in semester 6. i still remembered it was my very first posting when i entered clinical school. even to settle down to clinical school was already a tough one for me, more over to understand surgery. so the posting just passed in a blink. the truth is, looking at the current semester 6, i feel so matured, at least in my clinical skills. can't say i am good it in, but with some polish, i am sure we will all be competent.
the ward is just full of so many motor vehicle accident patients. having to cover two patients from the acute cubicle, i have countless patients who came in with large/small bleed in the brain. all young and healthy ones. but because of an accident, things changed. some made it through, some didn't.
unpredictability. thats life.
two of my patients passed away in my first week. both are relatively young patient. with not much comorbid conditions. from the first day i clerk them, to seeing them deteriorate, to reading the reports on their deaths, the feelings are something which i cannot describe with words.
again. unpredictability. that's life.
however, coming back to the ward in my beloved country after so long, after doing my elective in taiwan and singapore, i realised there's a need for change here. something needs to be changed. something is wrong. but i just can't spell it out. my friend once told me, initiate change by being part of the change. yes?
having to cover the ward everyday, reaching the ward before sunrise is just plain tiring. but going back to this posting the second time made me understood lots of things which i did not understand when i was in semester 6. i still remembered it was my very first posting when i entered clinical school. even to settle down to clinical school was already a tough one for me, more over to understand surgery. so the posting just passed in a blink. the truth is, looking at the current semester 6, i feel so matured, at least in my clinical skills. can't say i am good it in, but with some polish, i am sure we will all be competent.
the ward is just full of so many motor vehicle accident patients. having to cover two patients from the acute cubicle, i have countless patients who came in with large/small bleed in the brain. all young and healthy ones. but because of an accident, things changed. some made it through, some didn't.
unpredictability. thats life.
two of my patients passed away in my first week. both are relatively young patient. with not much comorbid conditions. from the first day i clerk them, to seeing them deteriorate, to reading the reports on their deaths, the feelings are something which i cannot describe with words.
again. unpredictability. that's life.
however, coming back to the ward in my beloved country after so long, after doing my elective in taiwan and singapore, i realised there's a need for change here. something needs to be changed. something is wrong. but i just can't spell it out. my friend once told me, initiate change by being part of the change. yes?
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
tests
when you are bored, and too lazy to study, you do such stupid test to burn time. hoho.
can try this too when you are too free.lol...
to some extent, i think its a bit accurate.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
can try this too when you are too free.lol...
to some extent, i think its a bit accurate.
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx
Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.Your views on education
Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.What are you most afraid of:
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.Saturday, October 01, 2011
october is here
hoho. october is here.
time seems to fly. really. everybody can fly with Airasia now. even time can. yea, i know i am lame. that's actually my defense mechanism when i am stressed.
got over anesthesiology and radiology. supposedly the slackest posting in semester9. but i don't feel its slack at all. with classes stretched till 7pm at least once a week made me feel so dried up. its not uncommon to spot me sleeping in class, which i don't normally do that regardless how tired i am.i collapsed on the bed almost everyday after coming back from uni. and i can't seem to stop eating! maybe i should get my thyroid level checked. haish.
anyway, my weight is catching up too. with the lack of exercise and binge eating. all these symptoms of stress. i need to learn some stress management. its just beginning of the marathon. still a long long way to go. i don't want to collapse halfway.
engine is warmed up. i just have to keep going and accelerate from now. to where? i don't know.
planning for my future path is a headache. to the red dot down under? or to the states? or just stay here? choices. you complain when you don't have choices, you complain again when you have too many of them. its just human nature to complain.
going to surgery next! its where we first met 1.5 year ago. i would rather we did not.
time seems to fly. really. everybody can fly with Airasia now. even time can. yea, i know i am lame. that's actually my defense mechanism when i am stressed.
got over anesthesiology and radiology. supposedly the slackest posting in semester9. but i don't feel its slack at all. with classes stretched till 7pm at least once a week made me feel so dried up. its not uncommon to spot me sleeping in class, which i don't normally do that regardless how tired i am.i collapsed on the bed almost everyday after coming back from uni. and i can't seem to stop eating! maybe i should get my thyroid level checked. haish.
anyway, my weight is catching up too. with the lack of exercise and binge eating. all these symptoms of stress. i need to learn some stress management. its just beginning of the marathon. still a long long way to go. i don't want to collapse halfway.
engine is warmed up. i just have to keep going and accelerate from now. to where? i don't know.
planning for my future path is a headache. to the red dot down under? or to the states? or just stay here? choices. you complain when you don't have choices, you complain again when you have too many of them. its just human nature to complain.
going to surgery next! its where we first met 1.5 year ago. i would rather we did not.
Friday, September 23, 2011
strangers
We don't message each other anymore.we don't call each other anymore. we don't email each other anymore. we don't skype anymore. we don't say i miss you to each other anymore.
i supposed we don't have to. and never should. you and i make the perfect strangers.
and you moved on so fast and so well. it just makes me feel that you are a big fat liar.
it sucks to say this. but i still miss you.
i should wake up soon.
i supposed we don't have to. and never should. you and i make the perfect strangers.
and you moved on so fast and so well. it just makes me feel that you are a big fat liar.
it sucks to say this. but i still miss you.
i should wake up soon.
Saturday, September 03, 2011
i am back!
i am back after two months break!
time flies eh. i looked back at my last entry, it was during my minor posting. now, i am about to start my semester 9, which marks the start of my final year as medical student. somehow, now i feel the term medical student is not that bad after all.
two months. taiwan then to singapore. so much that i have gained. exposure, knowledge, skills, experiences, friendships, and weight too! lol..
this post is going to be so long if i share everything here. but i am more than glad to share my experience with anybody.
i am still not bored describing how much i loved taiwan's beauty, how much i missed the bubble tea ( and other food :D) , how surprised i was by the organised health care system there, etc etc. not forgetting my hospital experience in SGH. this part is boring, but undeniably, i have learnt so much so much over the 4 weeks there.
and of course all these wont be as exciting if i havent had experienced them with my friends, be it the new friends whom i have met or friends whom i have known for ages. it was nice to stay together with my ex-roomie again after so long. my stay in singapore would be so dull without her and her sister.
the 2 months was also a time for me to reflect. of whether what i am fighting for all this while is what i really want. are the sacrifices which i need to make/already made along the way worth while? is that the place where i truly want to be? is that the life i want to lead?
i don't have answer for that. but the most important lesson i have learnt is that nothing beats home. no matter how good, how nice, how organised, how awesome, how wonderful other countries are, nothing beats being in your own homeland. i felt so patriotic for the first time. lol.. and that also made me reflect on my future plans.
should i just stay here. bah. i don't know.
time flies eh. i looked back at my last entry, it was during my minor posting. now, i am about to start my semester 9, which marks the start of my final year as medical student. somehow, now i feel the term medical student is not that bad after all.
two months. taiwan then to singapore. so much that i have gained. exposure, knowledge, skills, experiences, friendships, and weight too! lol..
this post is going to be so long if i share everything here. but i am more than glad to share my experience with anybody.
i am still not bored describing how much i loved taiwan's beauty, how much i missed the bubble tea ( and other food :D) , how surprised i was by the organised health care system there, etc etc. not forgetting my hospital experience in SGH. this part is boring, but undeniably, i have learnt so much so much over the 4 weeks there.
and of course all these wont be as exciting if i havent had experienced them with my friends, be it the new friends whom i have met or friends whom i have known for ages. it was nice to stay together with my ex-roomie again after so long. my stay in singapore would be so dull without her and her sister.
the 2 months was also a time for me to reflect. of whether what i am fighting for all this while is what i really want. are the sacrifices which i need to make/already made along the way worth while? is that the place where i truly want to be? is that the life i want to lead?
i don't have answer for that. but the most important lesson i have learnt is that nothing beats home. no matter how good, how nice, how organised, how awesome, how wonderful other countries are, nothing beats being in your own homeland. i felt so patriotic for the first time. lol.. and that also made me reflect on my future plans.
should i just stay here. bah. i don't know.
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
ear nose throat
ear nose throat. funny how things are inter-related. how one thing can lead to another. even our organs are created this way. anyway, i am loving this posting, coz at least its not as tiring as accident and emergency.
acls is over and i can proudly say that i have passed :D but whether or not i can react fast enough and recall the algorithm when someone collapse in front of me is another issue.
have been trying to get back on track these few weeks. i duno if this is the kind of life i want, but at least i feel more at peace with myself.
3 more weeks and semester 8 is over. then i am leaving to taiwan for my elective. i cant wait to leave this place coz it kept reminding me of someone.
need to exercise and control my diet from now. then i can eat till i die in taiwan! ;p
if anybody say this to me, i will melt like a chocolate!not exactly anybody, maybe only somebody. but i don't think i will get that. cant believe i am saying this, but i actually miss all the sweet talkings, and how you made my heart skip a beat :(
sometimes, i really don't understand you.
acls is over and i can proudly say that i have passed :D but whether or not i can react fast enough and recall the algorithm when someone collapse in front of me is another issue.
have been trying to get back on track these few weeks. i duno if this is the kind of life i want, but at least i feel more at peace with myself.
3 more weeks and semester 8 is over. then i am leaving to taiwan for my elective. i cant wait to leave this place coz it kept reminding me of someone.
need to exercise and control my diet from now. then i can eat till i die in taiwan! ;p
if anybody say this to me, i will melt like a chocolate!not exactly anybody, maybe only somebody. but i don't think i will get that. cant believe i am saying this, but i actually miss all the sweet talkings, and how you made my heart skip a beat :(
sometimes, i really don't understand you.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
200th post
wow. this is my 200th post. i am amazed myself. this blog witnessed my process of growing up. i hope these posts here will be gentle reminder for myself not to repeat mistakes which i have done due to my naiveness.
being in accident and emergency department for one week has taught me a lot. red zone can either be a havoc like a disaster scene or as quiet as library. during the havoc period, thats when us as medical students get to kaypoh a bit and try to learn.
and during these havoc moments, thats when i realised i just cant think straight when i am nervous. thus a lesson to learn, i have to remain calm, controlled, confident, focused and observant, even when the world is in a storm. Have you heard of in the midst of the stormy disaster, the most tranquil place to be is in the eye of the hurricane? i want to be there in the midst of a storm.
and the only way to do so is by experience , experience, and experience. only through experiences we will gain confidence. i remembered how my hand trembled when i first attempted to insert an intravenous line. now, i can confidently put in one :)
being in the field which death is such a common matter made me feel desensitised. somehow, i feel cold. feel apathy towards patient's pain. i do not want to be this way. but the more i have seen, the colder i have became. and this is worrying.
i love the on calls at night in A&E. because it keeps me occupied. instead of sitting infront of my books passively trying to absorb the never ending medical knowledge, the running up and down in A&E is as good as jogging/swimming. and at the end of the day, i will feel so tired that i collapsed in the bed after getting home. spare my mind from thinking about nonsense.
i just cant wait to leave here. to be away from all this. 5 more weeks!
being in accident and emergency department for one week has taught me a lot. red zone can either be a havoc like a disaster scene or as quiet as library. during the havoc period, thats when us as medical students get to kaypoh a bit and try to learn.
and during these havoc moments, thats when i realised i just cant think straight when i am nervous. thus a lesson to learn, i have to remain calm, controlled, confident, focused and observant, even when the world is in a storm. Have you heard of in the midst of the stormy disaster, the most tranquil place to be is in the eye of the hurricane? i want to be there in the midst of a storm.
and the only way to do so is by experience , experience, and experience. only through experiences we will gain confidence. i remembered how my hand trembled when i first attempted to insert an intravenous line. now, i can confidently put in one :)
being in the field which death is such a common matter made me feel desensitised. somehow, i feel cold. feel apathy towards patient's pain. i do not want to be this way. but the more i have seen, the colder i have became. and this is worrying.
i love the on calls at night in A&E. because it keeps me occupied. instead of sitting infront of my books passively trying to absorb the never ending medical knowledge, the running up and down in A&E is as good as jogging/swimming. and at the end of the day, i will feel so tired that i collapsed in the bed after getting home. spare my mind from thinking about nonsense.
i just cant wait to leave here. to be away from all this. 5 more weeks!
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
reasons to smile
got a package from my dear postwoman, wy, all the way from philly :) it really warm my heart. reading through the postcards made me feel loved, this familiar feelings which i have long forgotten. hamsap, you just never failed to make me smile ( and tear) :)
and in the postcard, there's one line which i once wrote, which i have forgotten,
'you know, your ventricles need to pump very hard to circulate blood through your body. For every pulse, every breath, there are so many things happening in your body. so, don't waste your heart beat'
well said. i know have been wasting my heartbeat.and i know there's a sequelae everytime i get hurt. i know i have made people who care about me worried.
weekend break back in kuantan made me realised how much i have made my mom worried. she said i look cachexic. i have lost the radiant on my face.i have lost the smiles. and her heart aches when she sees me like this. i need to take that fresh new step forward, and not allowing myself to fall deeper.
anyway, thankyou hamsap!for everything!for being the very special person :)
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
answer
sometimes, we ask for answers. often, we don't get the answers. we spent our time thinking and thinking.
perhaps, what we need is not an answer. its a decision.
and to make the decision, it takes a lot of courage.
perhaps, what we need is not an answer. its a decision.
and to make the decision, it takes a lot of courage.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
downhill
how can all these happen so fast? i hope things could end up better.
this is like a vicious cycle. everything is so familiar. i went through the whole cycle before.
why do i always allow myself to fall into the same maze?
i always hope if there is someone who can tell me what i should do at such moment. but i know certain things you just gotta learn to solve it yourself. coz thats how you learn.
but i never seem to learn from mistakes. and i am going downhill again. i hope i can go back to the pre-eos period, when i just study study and study, nothing else but study. at least i feel like a human then. a useful one.
i cant wait to go taiwan/sg. away from all this. coz everything in my room reminds me of somebody. and its just plain torture.
looking back at my blog, i think i only update whenever i feel sad. many things happened in between. many reasons to smile. maybe what dr P said is true, we should always look at the positive sides of things.
this is like a vicious cycle. everything is so familiar. i went through the whole cycle before.
why do i always allow myself to fall into the same maze?
i always hope if there is someone who can tell me what i should do at such moment. but i know certain things you just gotta learn to solve it yourself. coz thats how you learn.
but i never seem to learn from mistakes. and i am going downhill again. i hope i can go back to the pre-eos period, when i just study study and study, nothing else but study. at least i feel like a human then. a useful one.
i cant wait to go taiwan/sg. away from all this. coz everything in my room reminds me of somebody. and its just plain torture.
looking back at my blog, i think i only update whenever i feel sad. many things happened in between. many reasons to smile. maybe what dr P said is true, we should always look at the positive sides of things.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
strength
i think pre-exam period is the time that i reflect a lot. what to do, i am easily distracted. anyway, reflection of the day, my friends say that i am a stressor to people around, as in, i tend to make people feel pressurized. i think i portray myself as someone who is very strong, especially for people who do not know me well. not many have seen me teared. thankfully.
personally, i do not think that i am very strong. i break down very easily too. its just maybe i am not comfortable to do that infront of other people.
but i think my immune system is breaking down nowadays. the wall is slowly crumbling. or am i too tired inside this wall? the wall which i have built to protect myself all this while.
maybe i need the adrenaline rush, the stress, to push me harder. push me away from thinking so much.
personally, i do not think that i am very strong. i break down very easily too. its just maybe i am not comfortable to do that infront of other people.
but i think my immune system is breaking down nowadays. the wall is slowly crumbling. or am i too tired inside this wall? the wall which i have built to protect myself all this while.
maybe i need the adrenaline rush, the stress, to push me harder. push me away from thinking so much.
Thursday, April 07, 2011
wedding invitation!
wedding cupcake :))ahhh. wedding is such a happy thing. and i am so happy for her:) and , she is the top top student in our batch. i admire her for her discipline, how she can focus so well. i wish her happiness and much love!
first invitation. and i foresee many many more coming soon! maybe i can be like the show 27 dresses. lol. i like to go online and browse through those wedding photographer websites. it has became a habit to destress. every couple wants their wedding to be immotalized. and those wedding photographers are just so awesome. they are just so good in capturing those special moments:)
Friday, February 18, 2011
:)
so, the war is over. and i am proud to say that i have fought it well :))
having more than one lecturer saying that you are just not good enough is really a good form of motivation. it feels great to prove to other people, and most importantly to yourself ,that you can actually achieve more than you can ever imagined.
it still feels like a dream. i am really grateful that my effort is paid off. the sweat, tears, every small step, throughout this year, are not wasted. the satisfaction after trying your best and getting what you desired is awesome.
i will take this as a motivation, to motivate myself to work even harder. i know with effort, with faith, with your 100% heart, you can achieve what you want:)
i owe my gratitude to so many people. but most importantly my parents. i know i have made them worried. i need to learn to be independent.
thankyou so much. to you . you. you. and yes, you who is reading this now :)
having more than one lecturer saying that you are just not good enough is really a good form of motivation. it feels great to prove to other people, and most importantly to yourself ,that you can actually achieve more than you can ever imagined.
it still feels like a dream. i am really grateful that my effort is paid off. the sweat, tears, every small step, throughout this year, are not wasted. the satisfaction after trying your best and getting what you desired is awesome.
i will take this as a motivation, to motivate myself to work even harder. i know with effort, with faith, with your 100% heart, you can achieve what you want:)
i owe my gratitude to so many people. but most importantly my parents. i know i have made them worried. i need to learn to be independent.
thankyou so much. to you . you. you. and yes, you who is reading this now :)
Sunday, January 16, 2011
war
the EOS war will begin soon.
i hope by then i will be all prepared.
everyday, i just want to tell you, it is not because of convenience, now.
but it was because of inconvenience, 3 years ago.
anyway, i shall be focused to fight this upcoming war.
smile and jiayou :)
i hope by then i will be all prepared.
everyday, i just want to tell you, it is not because of convenience, now.
but it was because of inconvenience, 3 years ago.
anyway, i shall be focused to fight this upcoming war.
smile and jiayou :)
Saturday, January 08, 2011
still breathing
i am still surviving, despite the crazy timetable. there goes three weeks of obs. and in few weeks time will be eos. everyday is a new learning day. the more i learn, the more i realise i duno something. its tiring, every night coming home to collapse on my bed, but it feels good to coz i know i have fully utilized each day.
i presented a case on anemia in pregnancy the other day. during physical examination, i commented that there is no pallor in the patient even though her hemoglobin level is just 7.5g/dl. the lecturer took a look at her palm and compared with his, and said, how can u say there is no pallor? coz obviously his hands look much more erythematous compared to the patient's. But i took up my palm and compare, mine is paller than the patient. lol.. the lecturer was then speechless. lol. i also didnt believe that she has no pallor on the conjuctivae and palms until i compared with mine. maybe my Hb is lower than a pregnant mother with twin pregnancy. lol..
looking at so many pregnant mothers with medical / obstetric problems in the ward everyday, i am thankful that i didnt create so much problems to my mother. and i am thankful that i was born healthy and not sent to NICU after delivery. i am thankful for my mother, for her unconditional love which has guided me all these years :)
hope the new year has been good for everybody.
i presented a case on anemia in pregnancy the other day. during physical examination, i commented that there is no pallor in the patient even though her hemoglobin level is just 7.5g/dl. the lecturer took a look at her palm and compared with his, and said, how can u say there is no pallor? coz obviously his hands look much more erythematous compared to the patient's. But i took up my palm and compare, mine is paller than the patient. lol.. the lecturer was then speechless. lol. i also didnt believe that she has no pallor on the conjuctivae and palms until i compared with mine. maybe my Hb is lower than a pregnant mother with twin pregnancy. lol..
looking at so many pregnant mothers with medical / obstetric problems in the ward everyday, i am thankful that i didnt create so much problems to my mother. and i am thankful that i was born healthy and not sent to NICU after delivery. i am thankful for my mother, for her unconditional love which has guided me all these years :)
hope the new year has been good for everybody.
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