it's so easy to describe everything in one word, confused. it practically covers everything. and u dun need to explain yourself after that. just coz you are confused.

i hate it when people tell me that they are confused.

but now, i am confused, too.

i really dun understand myself.

that just reminds me of the way my niece looks at me. lol.

i am already excited now. the anticipation. it's amazing how my pulse rate still fluctuate at that split second. its amazing how i can still catch my breath at that moment.i thought i am desensitized. but obviously i am not. geez.

radio was playing the song fall for you by secondhand serenade yesterday night. after so long. it just reminded me of someone. it still does. it also reminded me of the days which i play it every single night before i sleep. whereby it accompanied my tears. just coz it reminded me of someone.

A lecturer said to us,

everyone has got his fullstop. and we doctors create havoc as we try to move or change the fullstop.

sometimes, i cant help but to agree with this statement.


end of posting exam is over. this marks the end of surgery posting. i cant believe i am saying this, but i think i will miss surgery!! i didnt like it initially, probably because i was still a lost soul that time. but till the end of the last few weeks, especially when i switched to ward 3A, i totally fall in love with surgery :)

and despite the rumours on the 'malignant' lecturer of 3A, our group totally respect and admire him. he is the best best best lecturer of all :) eventhough i have to wake up at the wee hours, and be in the ward before 7am, and 'attempt' to cover the whole ward each day, i have no complaints. just coz i know he wants the best out of us. he has my respect :)

now, i am happy. back at home. and can you believe it, i actually slept 16 hours yesterday! time to recharge before the super hectic internal medicine posting starts.

you don't drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there. - Edwin Louis Cole


it's not easy to come out of it. it looks simple. i thought is not hard. but, its really that hard.


sometimes, i hope i can be least dependant to others.

i did a few mistakes on friday. i was so dissappointed with myself. i still feel so guilty now. to the patient. and to the family. it wasn't something big, but somehow i still feel so sorry. pfft. and, one senior told me, dun worry, at least now you learnt.

i always wonder, if i am going to hurt someone in my process of learning, then i already break hippocrates oath, Primum non nocere - first do no harm.

but, the only thing i can do now is to keep learning. hopefully one day i will be really competent.

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

that was the question i have been asking myself since i stepped in to hospital 4 weeks ago.

and i still don't know the answer yet.

i don't know how long more i can keep walking in this dark tunnel.





andd, another question i really want to ask you, why?